New Washer and Dryer Day

Last week, we had to buy a new washer and dryer. Our dryer would randomly suck up clothes and leave a nice little burn that looked like a skid mark on the clothes. If I soaked the clothing in Oxi-Clean, the stain would come out, but then I would have to rewash and dry the clothes again, praying that another burn mark wouldn't show up. This was probably a humongous fire hazard but I guess we were hoping that someday our dryer would make amends with us. It never did. Then last week, I put a load of laundry in the washer. When I went back to put them in the dryer, I found a little pool in our laundry room. That was the straw the broke the camel's back. The following Sunday we bought our new washer and dryer and we specifically choose one that would not pee on the floor or poop on our clothes.

Today was the day the washer and dryer would come home to live with us. When I heard the truck pull up into our driveway, I shouted, "They're here!!" and I ran to the door to greet Roberto with a big smile and friendly hello as if he were family. "I'm here to deliver and washer and dryer," Roberto said matter-of-factly. "Yes! Yes! That's us!!" I replied, eagerly. I showed him to the laundry room which actually only entailed me pointed to my right since the laundry room is directly off the front hall. Roberto, after looking at the tight laundry room and stack-able washer and dryer that he would soon be removing, slumped his shoulders and said, "Well, this should be fun." Umm, thanks a lot, Roberto. You're ruining New Washer and Dryer Day.

After a quick switch-a-roo and test run of the washer, Roberto left me and Troy to spend some time alone with our new appliances. It was a little overwhelming because of all the buttons, but these pieces of machinery are beautiful and I already gave them a hug. I quickly threw a load of laundry in the washer and we pushed all the fancy buttons to make it operate how we wanted. Then we sat on the floor with a flash light watching the maiden wash cycle to see what was going on in there. I wish I could tell you that I was joking, but I'm not. We seriously did this. And we enjoyed it. We aren't the only ones who like our new toys. The first time we opened the front load washer door, our cat, Olivia, jumped in and made herself comfortable. It was pretty cute.

I have now been doing laundry all afternoon and will be continuing to do so into the evening. Partly because I love my new friends but mostly because our old washer died when our dirty clothes basket was already at its highest peak. I have three weeks of dirty clothes, towels, and sheets to clean. I didn't realize how desperate we were getting with clean clothes supply until I put away some of Troy's clean boxers. He only had three clean pairs left!! Looks like that washer and dryer came just in time!! Whew!

The best part about the new washer and dryer is that when the cycle is compete, it sings to you! I'm serious. Our old dryer would make this horrendous buzzing sound, but the washer and the dryer both play this cheerful little melody when the cycle is done! It also plays a little tune when you turn it on! I love it. Also, there are tons of buttons and they light up!! Plus there is a digital timer to tell you how much longer til the clothes are done! It's awesome. Troy and I only wish that there were lights on the inside of them though. Maybe a little disco ball? A strobe light? Another awesome thing about the washer is that it is energy efficient, so basically I am saving the world every time I do a load. You're welcome.

Well, I have to get going now. I just heard my dryer sing to me . . . I think the new washer and dryer love living here as much as we love having them. I can't be sure, but I think they hugged me back earlier today . . .

Silly Bandz vs. Slap Bracelets

If you have any kind of contact, whatsoever with a child ranging in age from seven to seventeen, you have probably heard of Silly Bandz. For those of you who choose not to spend your workday with little humans beings, they are plastic bracelets that are made out of different shapes. When you wear them around your wrist, they look like a bended bracelet, but when you lay them flat on a table, they show a shape. The shapes range from animals to cars to flowers. Apparently, they are all the rage and if you ask any kid about them, they will probably answer you non-verbally. They will simply raise up their arm, pull up their sleeve and expose the twenty five bands they are wearing all at once.

Now, if you are an educator, Silly Bandz are the Dark Force of the galaxy. They are a great way to keep kids from getting their work done. They also excel at distracting students from listening to directions. Today, I was the mean teacher that took away three Silly Bandz. (I even gave the old comment, "Come see me at the end of the day to get this back." I know, I'm a total ogre.) This afternoon, I was become super annoyed with these plastic procrastination playthings, and then I had a flash back to the second grade . . .

**Begin Dream Sequence**

Little Pammy Kohler was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the front carpet in Mrs. Kilpatrick's second grade classroom. She, along with many of her classmates, were enjoying a new toy that just came out on the market. It had the power of captivating young minds and it was the perfect tool to avoid doing school work. It was . . . the Slap-on Bracelet!! Many reminders were given from Mrs. Kilpatrick to leave the bracelets alone and stop slapping them during her lesson, alas, none of the students did so, and therefore, Mrs. Kilpatrick was forced to take the beloved Slap-on Bracelets away, never to be seen again. A letter was typed up and sent home to all the second graders, informing parents that slap on bracelets were never again to make an appearance at Orland Park Elementary School. (Sniffle)

**End Dream Sequence**

After my flashback, I felt torn. I remembered how much I loved Slap-on Bracelets. My mom used to buy them from the Oriental Trader so we had a boat-load of them at home!! I bet if I searched my parents' house long enough I would even find one there now. I loved the different colors and patterns they had and I really loved the sound it made when you slapped them on your wrists. Then I thought about my students who probably have similar feelings to their Silly Bandz. I decided the only way I could solve this problem would be to hold a Bracelet Smack Down.

Here's how it works. I will simply weigh the pros and cons of the Slap-on Bracelets to the Silly Bandz. We will see which one comes out the best. That bracelet will then win the Bracelet Smack Down, and would also be entitled to all the bragging rights. Let's begin.

In this corner, we have the retro Slap-on Bracelets.
Pros: 1. They come in a variety of colors;
2. They come in a variety of fabrics;
3. They make a really great thwacking sound
Cons: 1. When bent, they are ruined;
2. Parents get sick of the thwacking sound

In the other corner, we have the current Silly Bandz.
Pros: 1. They come in a variety of colors;
2. They come in a variety of shapes;
3. They are quiet
Cons: 1. They get stretched out;
2. They don't know how to correctly spell the word 'bands'

Slap-on Bracelets: Pros-3, Cons-2

Silly Bands: Pros-3, Cons-2

Well, that was a big, fat waste of time. We came out with a tie. I once heard that a tie is like kissing your sister/brother. I guess we still have some data we can draw a conclusion from. Both bracelets are awesome and I am pretty sure when my children go to school, there will be a new bracelet that will also drive teachers crazy. It's the circle of annoyances.

From Flu Shots to Freak Outs

I was passing out papers today when a student totally hacked out a smokers cough right on my hand. Completely unrelated to this incident, I went to the Target Clinic to get a flu shot after work. I probably wouldn't get a flu shot every year if I didn't work at a school, but those walking Petri dishes (also known as students) always spew their illnesses on me so I figure it is smart to just get the shot. So, I walk into the clinic, fill out the paper work, hand over my insurance card and wait patiently for the smiling physicians assistant to call my name. **Side Note: In the meantime a trio of ladies walked in after me, also filling out paper work waiting for their lucky numbers to be called. The whole time I am thinking, 'I wonder if any of these women have something contagious.' This is definitely due to my germophobic issues, needless to say, I was breathing through my nose just in case.**

Finally, after many moments of breathing through my nose, I hear, "Pamela?" and I shuffle to the back exam room for my shot. The PA pulls my my sleeve, swabs my [raging] bicep and is about to poke me when she tells me that this flu shot also has the H1N1 string in it so I don't have to worry about getting two shots. This is the part where I wigged out. I nearly jumped off the table. Here's my problem with the H1N1 shots; they freak me out. I just don't know enough about them and I am convinced that no one really does. Now, everyone knows that Troy and I are not jumping on the baby train anytime soon. We haven't even purchased our tickets, or even made our way to the station, but it is in the five-year-plan. I am worried that in a few years, researchers will found out that the H1N1 vaccine has some super weird side effect. I mean, it was orginally called the Swine Flu. Gross.

I have always thought that my fears about the vaccine were fairly valid - until I had to explain to the PA who is now looking at me like a compete psycho. As I am trying to explain my theory, I am slowly realizing that I might be an idiot. She tells me that it is completely safe (sure, sure, that's what you would say!) and that doctors actually recommend pregnant women to get that H1N1 vaccine. She also mentioned that all the flu shots for this season contain that particular strand. I ended up getting the dang shot and then apologizing profusely for my freak out episode. She told me it happens all the time. Great. Now, I'm just another weirdo on the street.

Oh well, what's done is done. If our children come out with a third arm or nine toes, we'll know why. I did take a few extra milligrams of folic acid, just in case. You're welcome, offspring.

More Awesome Things Thought by Pam

Due to the intense popularity of the Awesome Things Thought by Pam, I have thought of a few more awesome things that you might also think are awesome. Therefore I have taken the time to type them out for your reading enjoyment. You're welcome.

1. Random, Perfect-Aim, Back Scratches. Have you ever sat next to a friend, your grandma or your mom and you feel that little twinge on the part of your back that is impossible to scratch? You know what's coming. It is going to get super itchy, really quick. Just when you are about to make the move to attempt to scratch it, the person next to reaches to scratch your back - in the exact spot you were attempting to aim! That's the best. My grandma is notorious for that. She is a really good back scratcher and she always seems to find that spot before I get to it, which is awesome. My friend Brooke is pretty notable for that too, although I have never told her so. I should probably do that.

2. Perforated Edges. Ticket stubs, legal pads, and check books have these fabulous, helpful edges. There is something really satisfying about ripping a piece of paper, in a perfect line due to the aid of those little holes punched in a row for your convenience. I have a really hard time not ripping paper with perforated edges, especially tickets. I remember going to sporting events before those fancy scanners were used. The service personal would rip the ticket but I always wanted to rip my own ticket. Those perforated edges have a spell on me. Not ripping a perforated edge is like not popping bubble wrap - impossible.

3. Humming Refrigerators. You are sitting at home after returning from work. You are too tired to turn on the TV. You plop down on the couch and let your brain unwind. After a few minutes, you realize that your house has a gentile humming that seems to be coming from the kitchen. It is the refrigerator. There is something calming about that hum. It's almost like a little lullaby that your appliance sings for you. I love that sound. I definitely associate that sound with being home and being cozy, therefore . . . awesomeness.

4. Coffee with Desert. I absolutely love fancy dinners. Whether it is a wedding, a rehearsal, a Christmas party, or a nice restaurant, I heart them all. I love enjoying a glass of wine or champagne. I love the appetizers and I love the main course but my favorite part is the desert. Not because I am a "sweets" person. To be honest, I prefer the appetizer because it is usually something salty and it means you still have the whole meal left to enjoy. I love the desert part because I always get coffee. I love having coffee with desert after a delicious meal. It almost feels like time slows down a little bit . . . but not too long because if I am sharing a desert with Troy, I need to eat quick!

5. Dry Underwear. Maybe you got caught in a rainstorm, or maybe you have been riding all the water rides at Great America, either way, you're soaked right down to your skivvies. You have to endure the ride home and after slipping out of your sloshed shoes, you take a nice hot shower, put on dry underwear and realize there is no greater feeling at that moment than dry fabric on your rump. You know what I'm talking about and it is glorious.

6. Greeting with a Kiss. Now, I know that I have stated before that I am not a touchy feely person, so this awesome thing does not apply to everyone. My apologies. But, we have a few friends who are consistent with their kiss greetings. Every time we see them, they hug both Troy and I, but give me a kiss on the cheek. I love it! It is very genuine and not at all creepy. It feels like we are in Italy and who wouldn't love that?

7. Loafers and Tassels. I love these. My grandpa used to wear these shoes a lot. You know the ones; the leather slip-on loafers with the two tassels on the top. They are great. They even make them for little boys. If I ever have boys, I am buying them and making my boys wear the tasseled loafers all the time. I secretly hope Troy will wear them some day.

8. Dogs Hanging out the Window. There have been days when I am feeling grouchy and I am on my way home from work or out running an errand. I have this gray cloud over my head, threatening to pour rain down right on my head. Then I see a dog with its head out the window, ears flapping in the breeze and just loving life. It makes me smile every time, even when I am in a rotten funk. I love how happy those dogs look with their big noggins hanging as far out the front window as possible.

9. Garlic/Onion Hands. My mom has a small silver soap bar. It's not real soap, but you are supposed to run water over your hands while rubbing this silver soap as though you were lathering up. Somehow it gets rid of the smell of onions or garlic on your hands. My mom swears by it. I do not own one of these because I love the smell of onions and garlic on my hands. I love how it stays there for two or three days, and sometimes, I purposely smell my hands during the day just to get a whiff. It smells like a good, home-cooked meal. How could you not love that?

10. Shoe Sounds. There are four specific noises that shoes make that I love. The first one is dress shoes on a tile floor. I love to wear my high heels and hear the click-clack sound on the tile. It makes me feel like a grown up. The second shoe sound I love is the squeaking noise that gym shoes make on the gym floor at a basketball game. Sometimes, I don't even listen to the announcer. I just listen to the squeaking. The third shoe sound I love it similar to the first: it is the sound of baseball cleats on the cement. I think it is for the same reason; I like the click-clack sound. They sound kind of like dress shoes. Finally, I love the sound of walking on gravel or leaves. There really isn't a reason, I just like it.

There you have it folks. More awesome things thought by me. I hope that you can identify with a few of them, and if you can't, I don't really care because the title of this blog is "Awesome Things Thought by Pam" not "Awesome Things Thought by (insert your name here)".

Chap Stick

I can not believe I have written thirty-some-odd posts without talking about chap stick! I have a severe addiction to chap stick. If you don't already know this about me, we must not be friends . . . or even acquaintances . . . honestly, we've probably never met. I am not exactly sure when this addiction started. I want to say it began in my late junior high years, but it is safe to say that by the time I was established in high school, I was known for always having chap stick on me.

I remember a sad and lonely time before I began my love affair with chap stick. I was riding my bike, one crisp, fall day. My lips were really dry and so obviously I kept licking them, only exasperating the problem and the whole time I was thinking, "I hate this feeling . . . a lot. I don't want to feel like this again." Maybe that's when I made my move. Regardless of when I started, once I began, I was hooked. One time, my sister, Laura and I were in the car, (probably on our way to somewhere awesome) when I had a small panic attack. I quickly checked my pockets and realized that I did not have my chap stick!! I promptly turned the car around to retrieve my beloved, who was waiting for me in my room.

My chap stick lives in one of two places: my pocket or my night stand. When I am ready for bed, it goes on my night stand because obviously I am going to want to reapply before I go to bed. After I get dressed the next morning, it goes in my right pocket. I actually have a pair of jeans that have a small rectangular wear-mark from my chap stick, kinda like dad jeans and the worn back pocket where their wallet goes. Same thing. Although, there are rare situations where my chap stick might live in my purse if I am wearing a dress and there have been a few times where I put it in my socks if my pants didn't have pockets. By the way, that's not weird, that's improvising.

I am pretty brand loyal to my chap stick, although I have made a few switches in the fifteen-ish years I have been addicted. I started out with Lip Smackers Dr. Pepper chap stick . . . obviously. Then I went to Blistex Silk and Shine. Troy didn't like the way that one smelled so I have recently switched to Vanilla Soft Lips. When I put on my chap stick now, Troy's sense of smell doesn't make him form furrowed brow nor does he roll the windows down in the car, which I really appreciate in the winter months.

Troy doesn't really understand my "need" for chap stick. He has one tube of the original Chapstick brand that he has probably had for five years or longer. He puts it on only a few times a year, usually in the winter, and only before bed. I always ask him to wait for me to put it on. I may or may not think it is a little bit sexy. Before you judge me . . . just don't judge me. It's the little things that help make a relationship work and if you make fun of me, I will body slam you.

My friend, Krista, told me about a friend of hers who also had a chap stick addiction, and she decided to quit cold turkey. Apparently after about a month, her lips blistered up!! They looked really gross and were painful. Eventually she healed and now she is proud to say she is chap stick free, using it only sparingly, much like Troy does. Krista - who shares my chap stick addiction - and I decided that it isn't worth it. We decided to be a slave to chap stick over having our lips blister up.

This summer, I started thinking about how much money I spend on chap stick. I started to keep track, and then it kinda made me depressed, because I know down the road I could have bought like 50 pairs of shoes with that money, so I stopped.

So, I guess this is the part where I need to address I have a problem. Here it goes:
Hi, my name is Pam and I am addicted to chap stick.
Hi Pam.
I am aware that I have a problem.
Good for you, Pam.
I am also aware that I do not have the desire to quit.
Umm, excuse me???
When I die, please bury me with a fresh tube of chap stick.
I don't think this group is for you if you are unwilling to change.
Okay, later suckers!

Goosebumps

Yesterday, we were out on a boat in the middle of the day. Common sense would tell you that it will be hot out there because there was a little breeze, no shade and the sun was at it's hottest. I still tried to do the Girl/Boy Scout Motto of 'always being prepared', so I wore longer shorts and brought a cozy jacket, thinking I would cover all the bases this way. Apparently, Mother Nature could not decide how she wanted to behave because it went from warm to cold and then my goosebumps crashed the party, even though they were not invited.

I have ninja goosebumps. First of all, sometimes they sneak up on me when I am not even cold. Like when I get into a hot shower or a hot car. For some reason, my body freaks out at the warm temperature and thinks that it needs to call for backup, so the ninja goosebumps bust out. Sometimes, I even get them if I am feeling awkward or uncomfortable. That's kinda weird. Those uncomfortable goosebumps always show up on the back of my legs. I really don't know what that means. Those ninja goosebumps are like Fort Knox and they refuse to tell me their top secret plans. I guess I'll never know. Another weird place my goosebumps show up is on my head. If someone is playing with my hair, they creep up. In this case, I think they just want a nice massage after a long mission. Those selfish jerks.

The other reason why I think I have ninja goosebumps is because they are X-treme. They are so X-treme that I can't even write the correct spelling of extreme to describe them. When I get really cold, my goosbumps are really like goose-Mount-Everest bumps. I must have really elastic skin. It is only when they start to recede that they look like the normal goosebumps of the average person. I also know that they are X-treme because people have commented on their sheer size and strength. Especially when they spot them on my legs. It usually starts out with a clever comment, stating the obvious, and then they realize they are looking at X-treme-ninja-Mount Everst-goosebumps. It goes a little something like this, "Are you cold or something, Pam? Whoa, look at those goosebumps! Those are X-treme!" I know that you can't tell when someone is talking to you, how they are spelling of their words, but trust me they are saying 'X-treme' not 'extreme'.

Remember the Goosebumps books as kids? The title on the cover page was raised and had little goosebumps over all the words. I was totally into those books. They never gave me goosebumps though. False advertising. I just thought I should mention them in my blog because we are on the topic.

Panera = Boat Loads of Women

I met Troy for lunch today and he said I could pick where we would eat. After many, many hours of pondering and weighing the pros and cons, I decided on Panera. In case you can't read my sarcasm, I was being facetious. Panera is one of my favorite places to eat when you want a quick bite. I love how cozy it is in there and I love soup since I am really an eighty-three-year-old woman living in a twenty-seven-year-old's body. Panera is not one of Troy's favorite places, but he doth not protest too much when I suggest it. He does have a theory about Panera though which makes him wary to enter . . . chicks love Panera.

That's the theory. That only women and the men they drag there eat at Panera Bread Co. I thought this was ridiculous until I looked around the eight-by-ten square foot part of the restaurant we were eating in. There were approximately twenty five people in that section. Three of them were men, and one of them was Troy. That is crazy! Troy said when he was in line to order, there were about fifteen people - two men, one being himself. All the men that I saw there were accompanied by a woman, and it didn't look like a minor coffee date. It was obvious these men were in committed relationships.

Troy's theory holds a lot of water. For starters, I love Panera and I also happen to be a woman. Interesting. Many of my friends love Panera too. They coincidentally share my gender as well. I went to Panera's website and wanted to learn a little more about them to see why this theory seems to be true. In the 'About Us' section there is a paragraph describing who Panera Bread is. Let me write this out for you:

We are Panera. We are bakers of bread. We are fresh from the oven. We are a symbol of warmth and welcome. We are a simple pleasure, honest and genuine. We are a life story told over dinner. We are a long lunch with an old friend. We are your weekday morning ritual. We are the kindest gesture of neighbors. We are home. We are family. We are friends.

If this isn't written for a woman, than I'll shave my head and walk backwards. This is foreplay for women. Plain and simple. Everything about that paragraph is appealing to me. Reading that makes me want to go back to that place for dinner and then hope I get invited for a sleepover. I feel like I know who the real Panera is. I mean, I think I am ready for an intimate relationship with Panera Bread.

Now, when Troy reads Panera's bait for women (also known as the 'About Us' section), he is going to laugh the laugh he uses when he reads something that he thinks is completely ridiculous. Let's be honest, if I wasn't so blinded with my love for Panera, I would think the same thing. If I wasn't completely head over heels for Panera, I would think that paragraph was written by a forty-five year-old cheeseball who might still live at home with his mom. Alas, I my love for Panera is to strong.

There is a one wrench that needs to be thrown into the mix to fairly test this theory. Troy does go to Panera often with two of his guy friends. They meet there pretty regularly. As part of my research, I asked if he really likes to the food. He said it was okay, but really they just meet there because it is centrally located and there are more vegetarian options for one of the dudes. Interesting.

I still need to do more research on this topic, but I have to say, judging by what I saw this afternoon, I can't say that Troy's theory is wrong. What we need to do now is harness this powerful knowledge. All you single fellas out there . . . get your butts over to your local Panera Bread Co and pick up a lady friend today! Apparently that is the female watering hole. Might as well take advantage of it.