When Quitting is Winning

My son, Zachary, turned two at the end of May, and consequently my husband and I started to get a few inquiries about when we were going to potty train him. Having just birthed our daughter in March and still struggling for daily survival, I would just wave my hand and tell these well wishers that potty training wasn't even on my radar. Although, we had been prepping for potty training. Zachary would follow my husband or me into the bathroom and we would talk about what we were doing. We bought a couple of potty chairs and put them in the bathrooms.  Zachary would sometimes want to sit on them and read books. Other times, he would even go pee-pee. (Since my daily dialogue is with a toddler, please forgive me for referring to bodily waste as 'pee-pee' and 'poo-poo.') That was the extent of our potty training. As far as the signs of 'readiness' went, Zachary didn't show any. He wouldn't grab himself if he had to go or tell us when he was going. He would also wake up wet from his naps. He couldn't pull down his pants - although this is probably due to the fact that he wears cloth diapers so it makes his rear end very "J.Lo-ish" 

We would hear about parents who potty trained their kids - some as young as 18 months! - in three days regardless of their child's readiness signs. Consider me intrigued. I am a disciplined and scheduled person, so a three day potty training boot camp seemed like something I could accomplish. Having only one kid in diapers also sounded pretty awesome, especially since we use cloth diapers.  Therefore, I am washing diapers every other day with both kids now using them. I even thought that maybe Zachary would have a leg up on using the potty since he knows what cloth diapers feel like when he wets them, which I hoped he would transfer to understand as accidents. 

There was a week this summer where we had absolutely nothing on the calendar, which was very unusual. Troy thought we should give this potty training thing a try. After I teased him about how "we" is actually only me since he would be scampering off to work each day, he told me that I could veto the idea.  I will admit though, I was seduced by the thought of having Zachary out of diapers. Besides, with all these other moms potty training their kids in three days, I knew I could too. 

The next day we started our boot camp. I didn't have any supplies like underwear or bribes, but I figured I didn't need them. I decided to just let Zachary run around naked from the waist down and pump him full of juice so he would have lots of chances to use the potty. His reward for going pee-pee in the potty was a big cheer from me, because after all, I wanted his behavior to be intrinsic, not rewards based. (Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!) After he had three accidents in a row, I figured out that he needed to sit on the potty about every 25 minutes. He would go when I would prompt him and we would have a dance party in the bathroom before he flushed his business down the big toilet. I decided I would keep track of the accidents, so that I could see his progress throughout the next three days. He had about ten accidents each day. On day three, Troy came home with a bag of M&M's which certainly peaked Zachary's interest in using the potty. He could now get his "nummies" but he still wasn't telling us when he had to go.

After a week and a half of our three day boot camp, and about 75 accidents later, I was exhausted. Zachary wasn't himself either (although how can you be when you're running around 1/2 naked with your man-bits out for everyone to see?). Sadie wasn't getting the attention she needed either because I was always on edge and waiting for the next accident. Fed up, I decided to put Zachary back in his diapers. I was dreading telling Troy that I couldn't potty train Zachary. I knew he would be supportive, but I felt like a failure. After I put a diaper on Zachary, we went downstairs to play, and the toddler I saw running around the house with his toy lawn mower was a different toddler that I saw for the last 12 days. He was happy again!

I then realized that it didn't matter what Parent's magazine/Pinterest/friends/family said about when Zachary should be potty trained. The fact was, he just wasn't ready. I watched him show off for me and cheerfully call "Mommy!" as he ran around, and I realized, that I was able to exhale and smile as well. I could let Zachary play independently without worry of an accident, and actually give Sadie some attention. All three of us seemed much more relaxed and happy. The rest of the afternoon was so pleasant that by the time Troy came home from work, I was certain I had made the right decision to quit potty training.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way that moving forward is actually taking a step back. Zachary wasn't ready to be that big kid using the potty yet, and part of me is grateful for that. Tomorrow he will be taller than me, driving a car and going to college, so if today he wants to go pee-pee in his diaper, that's fine with me. When he is ready, then he will tell us. 

How many times do we try to shove a square peg in a round hole when it comes to our kids? We see what peers are doing and the accomplishments of their children and wonder if our kids are lagging. Most of the time our sweet kids are just trying to be kids and simply aren't ready for the next big thing. That's what we realized with Zachary. Often times, we rush through stages of our lives to try and get to the finish line. I have found that when it comes to anything of value in life, quitting our own agendas seems to make us winners - that and finding a good carpet cleaning company.

5 Reasons Why Moms Don't Ask for Help

When I say that I hate asking for help, it’s not a joke. I physically hate asking for help. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible outcomes, my stomach gets twisted along with my words and sometimes I even start to sweat. Growing up, I was conditioned by my circumstances that asking for help was a waste of time. As I got older, I figured out how to do things on my own. I came to view help as a weakness or a lack of creativity. 

This carried view into adulthood and I had no idea how out of control my issues with help were until I had children. After my son Zachary was born, I soon learned how to juggle all the tasks that needed to be done. I knew that I should be getting more help than what I was receiving but I wasn’t about to ask for it. That was beneath me. That was weakness. After my daughter Sadie was born, I felt like all the balls I had been juggling on my own were starting to fall one by one. Emotionally, I was unraveling. Physically, I was a hot mess. Mentally, I was depleted. I lacked value in myself as a mother, a wife, a friend and a woman.

I finally addressed this issue with my husband. (I share more about this story in my Faithfulness blog.) My problem was not him, it was me. I had such a hard time asking for help that he just assumed I was able to handle it all. “I can’t read your mind, Pam. You need to ask me for help sometimes.” That’s easier said than done. What if he lets me down? What if when I ask for help, things get worse, or I get an excuse, or I am viewed as a bad mom?

Around this time, my dear friend presented me with a challenge. She told me that I needed to ask for help every day for the entire month of August. During this time, I was to write down the request, how I felt about it, the other person’s response and then reflect on the aftermath. After she told me this, I had a minor panic attack. I immediately began coming up with a mental list as to why I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge. Then I realized that I NEEDED to do this challenge BECAUSE it made me feel so uncomfortable. So I agreed to this help challenge, and wouldn’t you know it, my August was a challenging month which meant lots of “opportunities” to ask for help. 

The beginning of the month, we did a lot of traveling. One trip was to see my family in Michigan while Troy was at a wedding in Minnesota. I knew that I was going to need to ask for help a lot during that weekend because I was caring for Zachary and Sadie alone, and in an environment that was not our home. I had to unpack all the gear, clothes, toys and food we would need, all by myself. I had to feed, bathe and play with the kids, all by myself. I knew if I was going to finish the weekend with my wits in tact, I was going to need to ask for help. My sister and her husband decided to meet up with us at the cabin that weekend and I probably asked Laura to help me at least 20 times. She either held, clothed, changed a diaper, fed, cleaned or occupied one of my kids almost all weekend. She even helped me repack the car. I felt cared for and less stressed out knowing that I wasn't doing everything alone. I realized my own limitations and was only too glad to ask Laura for help, but I also know that Laura always cheerfully comes to my aide.

After the weekend with my family, my husband rejoined us for a week at the beach with his family. When it was time to move the kids into their bedtime routines, I asked my sister-in-law if she would hold Sadie in the sink while I washed her. I had some anxiety about asking for help, but Tricia was glad to have some extra time with Sadie. I was feeling pretty good about asking for help, so I went out on a limb and asked if she would help me bathe Sadie for the rest of the week (bonus points!!!) and she said yes.  Once again, I felt proud of myself for not trying to bathe Sadie alone and risk having to schedule rotator cuff surgery on a five month old.

The rest of the week I asked for general help from my husband and his famly. The last day of our trip, I was packing the car and got overheated. Sadie wouldn’t stop crying for Troy and so we switched jobs, but I was so sweaty and light headed that I couldn’t really hold her. I asked my mother-in-law to take Sadie - well I really just handed the sweet babe to her without giving her a chance to say no. She immediately took her and I felt like she did so out of concern for me which made me feel cared for. My mother-in-law even got me some water and told me to relax.

When we got back from our vacation, I needed to go to the grocery store. While there, I was reaching for a bottle of salad dressing and it was too high. I looked over at a tall man who was nearby and thought of my friend’s challenge. I knew I should ask him for help but I felt weird about it, so I stood there arguing with myself and probably looking like a fool. He offered to help me before I had the chance to ask him. I feel like I cheated and sheepishly put the dressing in my cart and slinked away to the next aisle.

Throughout the month, there were a number of times I asked for help. I asked a friend to hold Sadie when my cat escaped out the front door - normally, I would have run down the street, jostling Sadie to grab the cat. I asked Troy to take care of the dinner dishes a couple of nights - which is a much healthier alternative to complaining about doing everything myself. I even asked Zachary to help me get some of Sadie’s toys out for her - which is important for their relationship and for family life. I know this may seem like simple requests, but these are exactly the kind of things that I would juggle all by myself instead of simply asking for help. Then the last full week in August, my husband decided “we” should potty train Zachary. That week I asked for help a lot. I would ask for advice from a friend who was potty training her daughter. I asked Troy to figure out dinners for a majority of the nights, I asked Troy to either care for Sadie or watch Zachary like a hawk as he toddled around my house naked from the waist down and proceeded to mark his territory around my house. Before I knew it, the month was over and so was my challenge. 

So, what did I learn from this experience? First of all, I learned that I need to have this challenge every day even though August is done and over. I need to be asking for more help so that I don’t get fried. Being a mom and is a 24/7/365 job. There are no lunch or coffee breaks, there is no clock out time and there is no vacation. If I don’t ask those who care about me to lend a hand sometimes, I am going to snap and the thing is that I really can’t do it all. I don’t want my kids to think they can’t ask for help when they really need it but if I am their example and they never see me asking for help, what I am I really teaching them? Secondly, most people don’t mind helping. As I reflected on this month, I realized that I am not the only mom who struggles with asking for help. I think that there are five reasons why moms have a hard time doing something so simple.

1. We assume people won’t help when we ask. When I sat down to write this piece, I finally told my husband all about the challenge. I didn’t want to say anything before because I thought it would taint the experiment and I wanted to see the real response he would give me. The thing is that his real response was genuine. He truly didn’t mind helping me. He didn’t do it so I would write nice things about him; he helped me because he cares about me. The real kicker is that Troy told me that he didn’t even notice me asking for more help which he said should put my mind at ease because he knows I feel guilty about it.

2. We actually think we can do it all. I am a control freak which is one of the reasons why my friend challenged me to this asking for help thing. I think I can do it all and honestly, I can – for a very short period of time. After all, isn’t that what we see all over Pinterest and Facebook? Moms looking stylish while crafting gorgeous monogrammed wreaths for their front door only after they finished assembling their child’s funny face lunch made only with organic fruits and veggies? I mean if she can do it, then I should too, right? Wrong. All moms struggle with putting too much on their plate and getting burnt out. Even Organic-Veggie-Mom probably cried when her toddler threw the plate on the floor and demanded macaroni and cheese. It is vitally important for us moms to learn two phrases and use them:

                “No, I can’t work that into my life right now.” 

                “I need help.”

3. We don’t want others to think we are weak. By asking for help, we are admitting that we can’t do something on our own which can feel like a form of weakness but this myth is something that we need to debunk right now. Think of someone who is strong - physically, mentally or vocationally. That person did not obtain such a high level of success alone. Someone was there coaching and directing and yes, helping them achieve their goals. The same is true with us moms. The beauty of the tribe of motherhood is that we all get it. We all know that this job is so hard. You’re not weak when you ask for help. You’re human.

4. We have had people in our past who have let us down. Everyone has baggage when it comes to failed relationships but we have to remember that what was true in our past does not dictate what will be true in our future. We all have two classifications of people, those who we can depend on and those who we can’t. We need to tap into that first group and ask for help sometimes. Those who really care about us won’t meet us with an excuse, they won’t judge us for being a bad mom, and they want to see us succeed as a parent.

5. We don’t know how people can help us. Sometimes our problems seem so big that they swallow us whole. We have no idea how to claw our way out and so we assume that others won’t be able to help us either. I have found that if you start with your personal goal, those who care about you can help you work backwards. A few months ago, I was taking on too much alone. By then end of the night, I would end up in the shower, crying, because I knew tomorrow would be a rerun of that day. I stepped back and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy my family. I wanted to look at my children and not feel like they were holding me back. I didn’t want my joy to be taken from me. So I talked about it with a close friend and my husband and with their help I came up with a plan which involved asking for help . . . a lot. 

We have been entrusted to love and care for these little people who know us as “Mommy”. This exercise has taught me to sit back and reflect on how I want my children to see me. I do not want them to see me as a person who gets burnt out because I say yes to everything. I want them to see me as someone who recognizes limitations and has the courage to reach out and ask for help. So, if you see me struggling at the grocery store to reach for a bottle of salad dressing, this time I hope you also see me turn to the tallest person in the aisle and ask for help.

** Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**

Self-Control

"The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is now law."

Galatians 5:22

I used to be a salty-loving kind of a gal. Get a plate of chili-cheese fries in front of me and I would fight you for them. I never really understood all the jokes and memes about women's obsession with chocolate - and then I got pregnant. Suddenly, sweets - especially chocolate - was a round the clock craving. After I had Sadie, lots of friends dropped off meals for us and many of these meals had a dessert, so I had become accustomed to eating some kind of sugar almost every day. When the meals stopped (and so too, the desserts) my cravings did not. One time, I actually made my Mema's chocolate-chocolate chip cookies from scratch because I wanted something sweet so badly. I thought about buying a bag of Hershey Kisses and just having one or two a day, but I knew I would eat the whole bag in one sitting. I had a problem. I had no self-control when it came to sweets in the house. I had to quit cold turkey. No sweets in the house until I could control myself.

While the idea of self-control of chocolate and sweets is amusing, I realized this week that I had a lot of work to do with self-control but it was much bigger and more important than chocolate. You read about how I had (and sometimes still have) a problem when it came to asking for help and I was (and sometimes still am) allowing Satan to creep in and fill my head with filthy lies about my parenting, my marriage, myself and my relationship with the Lord. I realized this week as I was prepping for this final installment of the fruits of the Spirit, that I needed to have more self-control when it came to those issues. I needed to make sure that I was not allowing myself to sink back into self-pity.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "Like a city whose walls are broken through, is a person who lacks self-control." When Satan breaks through our walls and we allow ourselves to believe the blatant lies of The Creeper, our city - our hearts - become compromised. Instead of rejecting these lies, we let them fester and they slowly start to destroy us. We have the strength within us to defeat The Creeper whose only plan for our lives is destruction, but this requires the control of our thoughts and actions.

Romans 8:6 tell us, "The mind of a sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The good news is that as Christians, the Holy Spirit lives within us as well as all the qualities that the Spirit has - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When we tap into these attributes, in this case we are specifically focusing on self-control, we have the power (and the responsibility) to tell Satan, "No! We will not believe your lies any longer!" Titus 2:11-12 says, "For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

So just as I had to put the kibosh on sweets in the house, I also need to take responsibility for not allowing the Creeper to come in and sabotage my heart. Just as I need to show restraint for sweets, I need to show restraint on allowing my mind to become polluted with filth. I need to lean on God's Spirit to help me control my thoughts and remind me that I am valuable to Him and His purposes in my life.

Weekly Parent Goal:
1. Ask the Holy Spirit to control our mind and create a clean heart.

This was one of my personal goals that I listed in the Faithfulness post but this time, I have a different spin on it. We learned in Romans 8:6 that the Spirit can control our mind and do so with peacefulness. When those negative thoughts come into our minds - and all parents hear them -  we need to stand up to The Creeper and tell him to beat it! We need to control our minds to reject the filth he is trying to spread across our thoughts and focus instead on our Father who loves us. We need to ask the Lord to help us control our minds and focus on His plans, not Satan's or our own.

This week's application for kids:
1. Blessing your kiddos.

Kids are naturally impulsive and the same it true for their words. This blessing from Mary Ruth Swope in The Power of Blessing your Children is a blessing of pleasant words which takes a great deal of self-control not only for our little ones, but for adults too. Pray this blessing over your kids:

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless you with an understanding of how important it is in life to set a guard over your mouth and to keep watch over the words that come from your lips. You will not speak negative and hurtful words that cause pain and wound spirits. 

May you learn quickly that a soft answer turns away wrath and that words thoughtfully spoken bring great rewards with them. You will learn to express pleasant words, profitable advice, and kind speech in all your conversations.

2. Try and activity that explains self-control to your kids.
Literary Example

One of my favorite books to read to my students was My Mouth is a Volcano! by Julia Cook. It talks about a boy who has a hard time interrupting which is something that most kids can understand. This book a great way to teach children how to engage in polite conversation and understand that everybody's words are important and should be heard. It is a great way to teach kids about self-control when it comes to their words.

Sesame Street Clip

I don't know why we pay for cable. If there was a package that only offered ESPN, HGTV and PBS, it would be called the Carlson Bundle. Zachary loves PBS and next to Dinosaur Train, Sesame Street is his favorite. I love how they have celebrities on the show to help explain the word of the day. in this clip, Ian McKellen and Cookie Monster are showing an example for the word "restrain" which ties in nicely with self-control. After I watched this with Zachary, we talked about how sometimes we have to wait - even if we really really want to do something. However, he is two so I know this is something we have to discuss every day - let's be honest, sometimes every minute.

Excuse for Sweets

Bring on another baking activity! Making cookies or brownies is a great way to show self-control because you have to wait for the end result. Plus, you get to eat something delicious. After you have baked your delicious treats, talk about how we have to show self-control by not eating all of the treats at once. If we did that, we would have a stomach ache and sweets are a once in a while treat so we wouldn't get the nutrients we need from eating only cookies. Talk about other ways we have to show self-control.

3. Weekly Scripture Challenge.

Though this scripture is a little longer than the ones I have posted in the past, I think this verse is a great reminder to us about the power that we have inside us. So this week's verse is the same that I mentioned above. Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus this week and encourage your children to do so too!

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

Titus 2:11-12  

***I can hardly believe that two months ago I simply said "Yes" to God. He gently nudged me to write a series of blogs about how to parent with the fruits of the Spirit as a way to encourage moms but I had no idea that He would be working in me too. I have been stretched, broken, healed and exhilarated as I went through this journey. You as readers have also been a blessing to me with your words of encouragement and also your willingness to share your hearts with me. Thank you! It is amazing how simple this task was. All I was asked to do was to write - which is something I love. I did not know that I would come out stronger and feeling more loved and valued than ever before. My prayer for you is that when you feel that nudging from the the Lord, that you would emphatically say "Yes!" and allow the Lord to work through you. 

Maybe for some of you that nudging might be to open your hearts to Jesus. Maybe He has been calling you to reach out to Him. If you were reading this series and don't have a personal relationship with the Lord, I encourage you to take His gift of salvation. It is for everyone, no matter what your past may look like. We are all sinners and no one is deserving of His mercy, but He gave it to us anyway when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. There are no strings attached. His love is for all of us. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." By accepting Jesus into your heart, not only will you get the ultimate gift of spending eternity with Him in heaven, but you will also be filled with the Holy Spirit who will never leave you, who will help you in times of trouble and who will fill you with all the attributes that we talked about during this journey: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Mary Ruth Swope has a prayer of salvation at the end of her book. Pray this prayer in faith and receive Jesus in your heart:

Heavenly Father, I come to You in the name of Jesus. I am a sinner. I ask You to forgive me of my sin. I confess that Jesus is Lord. And I believe in my heart that You raised Him from the dead. Thank You for coming into my heart, for giving me Your Holy Spirit as You have promised, and for being Lord over my life. Amen.

Gentleness

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22

After I posted last week's blog about faithfulness, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I have been working through digging myself out of the pit of despair but I am still feeling very raw, very exposed and very exhausted. So it seems divinely appropriate that the next attribute of the fruit of the Spirit is God's sweet gentleness.When studying this characteristic, I came across the following verse that brought me comfort as I seek to find shelter in the Lord's gentleness:

"He tends his flock like a shepard; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."
Isaiah 40:11

We are the flock and the Lord is the shepard. The shepard loves his flock and tenderly cares for them. The last line is my favorite though, "he gently leads those that have young." Guess who that could be? It's us! The Lord knows how tiring it is to be a good parent. He knows that this is the hardest and most important job we will ever have. During our lowest lows and highest highs, He is always with us. He sees us rocking our babies for hours in the middle of the night. He sees us with our spit up stained shirts. He sees us cry in desperation when our children test and break our limits. He knows we are smiling on the outside but are fragile on the inside and so he is gentle with us mamas (and daddys too). 

God sees us as precious and valuable. When we are feeling beaten down, tired, and hopeless, He wants to be near to us and give us a hug. When we embrace the negative self-talk that The Creeper tries to pass off as truth, the Lord comes alongside of us and whispers our great value to Him. He gently leads us to repent our selfish ways. He gently leads us to those who will help us. He gently leads us back to Him.

Since becoming a mom, Matthew 11:28-30 was the verse I had on repeat mode especially during the nightly nursing sessions when I was exhausted and lonely. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” As parents, this verse describes us perfectly. We are weary and burdened. Raising these babies is hard but the Lord tells us that he is gentle and humble. He is ready and willing to love on us, but he leaves the choice up to us. He tells us to come to him but this isn't a command, it is a heartfelt offer. 

In those weeks leading up to me admitting my issues with control and believing the lies that The Creeper had been telling me for so long, I felt hopeless, lonely and entitled. The whole time, I know the Lord was saying, "Pam, come to me. I know you are weary. I know you are burdened. I will give you rest. I know you are worried about what's to come. I will gently lead you. You just have to choose me." When I finally did choose Him, I felt like the heavy ugliness that has been weighing me down for weeks was lifted. I felt like I could breathe again. I felt like I could genuinely smile again. I felt like my restlessness had calmed. I am not saying that I don't still have a lot of work ahead of me - because I do. I still need to choose to love Troy first. I still need to choose to be thankful. I still need to choose to flee from The Creeper. These are all choices that I mentally have to make every single day, but when I realized what I was allowing to happen to myself, my family and my relationship with the Lord, I asked for forgiveness and was given the Lord's gentleness as I begin to heal.

Weekly parent goal:

1. Find refuge in the Lord and linger in His gentleness.

I received a lot of feedback from you all after you read about my failures. Many of you echoed that these are issues you struggle with as well. Friends, I urge you to speak out your own truths. Go to your spouse or close friend and tell them what is trying to steal your joy as a parent, spouse or woman. Talk about it with the Lord. Then rest in His gentleness. Visualize him wrapping his loving arms around you. Close your eyes and let Him take control. He will not abandon you, especially when you are choosing Him. Let Him gently lead you.

2. Do something restful for yourself.
Ooooh, this is a hard one for me. It sounds so simple, but for many of us moms, we feel guilty doing something for ourselves when our family is back at home, probably naked and starving (do you see my control issues?). Even though it is hard, we need to try to take care of ourselves every once in a while, otherwise we will burn out. It's like when the flight attendant on a plane tells you to put on your oxygen mask on first and then help your neighbor. You can't help your neighbor is you have already passed out. Encourage your spouse or close friend to hold you accountable for this goal this week. Go get a pedicure, spend an hour reading or working on a project you have been thinking about. Go to Target and run down every single aisle screaming, "I have no kids with me!" Whatever you choose, while you are doing this act, cognitively allow your brain to shut down and your muscles to relax. Spend some time talking to the Lord and enjoying His gentleness. Enjoy yourself!
 

This week's application for kids:

 1. Blessing your kiddos.
In my previous posts I have used blessings written by Mary Ruth Swope in her book, The Power of Blessing Your Children. She says in her book, "One thing should be clear: we have the ability to influence both our personal lives and the future of our nation through the powerful act of speaking blessings. It is a foundation stone for successful family and community living." Of the many blessings she has listed in her book, there is not a blessing on gentleness, but there is a blessing of assurance which I think aligns well with our topic this week.

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless you with assurance that God will search for you if you are lost and will bind you up if you are broken and will strengthen you if you are sick. Indeed, He will always be seeking you as one of His sheep, and He will deliver you to a safe place if you wander off the right pathway.

He will never leave you or forsake you; the Lord is your helper, so do not fear. May you, the beloved of the Lord, rest securely in Him who surrounds you with His loving care and preserves you from every harm. 

You may be sure that God will do what He has promised.

2. Try an activity that explains gentleness to your kids.

Rephrase your sentences.     Our house can be pretty noisy. I am convinced that Zachary loves to make a ton of noise just to see how long it will take to drive his parents crazy. One of his current pastimes is opening the kitchen drawers and slamming them closed. It scares the heck out of me every time. Instead of yelling at him to knock it off (which I sometimes do), I try to reinforce the behavior that I want to see. I generally say something like this, "Oohh, that was loud! Can you show me how you close that drawer gently?" And every time, he opens the drawers and closes it gently with a proud smile, and of course we make a big deal about what a wonderful job he did and how I could hardly hear the drawer close! Maybe the first few times, show your child what gently looks like and then ask him/her to mimic that behavior.

Go to a petting zoo.     Zachary, like most toddlers, loves animals. His favorite animals are our pets,

Here is Zachary, sitting on our cat, not showing gentleness.

our dog Bruce and our cat Olivia. We seriously have the most patient and loving pets. Sometimes, Zachary can be found laying next to Olivia, sucking his thumb and letting her furry tail tickle his toes. Other times, Zachary can be found filling Bruce's food bowl and then calling for "Brucie-Bruce" to come for dinner. And then there are the times where Zachary is not so gentle, like when he his trying to run Bruce over with his toy lawn mower and poor Bruce rings the bells to go outside only to take a nap on the warm (and quiet) patio. Olivia seems to be a glutton for punishment because even though she could get away from Zachary, she chooses to stay and allows for him to sit on her or try to herd her around the house. Kids don't always know what attributes like the fruits of the Spirit look like. They need to be modeled for them. When you want your child to be gentle, tell them what that looks like. For example, "Zachary, Olivia probably doesn't like it when you throw your football at her face. That probably hurts her. Can you show me how to love on Olivia gently? Maybe we could give her some scratchies?" Animals are a great way to teach kids about gentleness. Find a petting zoo and allow your kiddos to practice gentle touch with the animals. 

3.  Weekly Scripture Challenge.

Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week. Encourage your children to so too!

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."
Colossians 3:12

Be sure to share your experiences with this topic. What did you learn about yourself/your kids/the Lord? What activities did you do with your kids to teach them about gentleness? I would love to hear them! 

Faithfulness

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22

This post is the hardest one I have had to write so far because I am about to get real with you - like brutally honest and somewhat embarrassed to be admitting all of this - real with you. The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me with this last week completely knocking me to my knees. I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. As a mother, I had zero patience with Zachary and Sadie. Their needs felt like boxes on my "to do" list. I would groan when Zachary would want to be held while I was nursing Sadie or when Sadie would cry while I tried to eat dinner. As a wife, I realized that I was creating a contractual marriage instead of a covenanted marriage. My husband has started to become my roommate and instead of focusing on all that he does for our family, I was focusing on what he wasn't doing for me. As a woman, I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and lamented about how this was the best I could do. All around, I was selfish with my husband and children. I wanted to know who was going to take care of me? When was I going to get doted on? When was it my turn to have fun or relax? As a writer, I was prideful about my blog posts. I judged my "success" of them by how many post viewings I had. Or I worried that people would think that I was a crazy religious zealot. I cried often, feeling like I was stuck in my own prison of self-pity. In my despair, I was unable to act on the parent goals that I had written about during this series.

I wasn't completing tasks with joy or looking for joy in my trials.

I wasn't stopping in my tracks to pray.

I wasn't practicing gratitude.

I wasn't letting go of worry.

I wasn't practicing patience.

I wasn't forgiving.

I realized that I was feeling such despair because of two people; "The Doer" and "The Creeper." The first person who was destroying my joy was "The Doer," who was . . . . me. I am a control freak. I think that I know what works best for me and my family and so I juggle everything by myself. I can't let Troy -or anyone else- help me because it won't get done the way I would do it. I hate asking for help because it means I can't do something. I hate asking for help because I am worried that I will be met with an excuse. I hate asking for help because I feel guilty that someone is doing something that I am physically capable of doing. So instead of reaching out to someone, I add it to my pile of stuff and make it work - and it does work, for a short amount of time. But then I become an enabler to all of those around me. They see me juggling just fine on my own so the offer to help is non-existent, which fuels my stress and the attitude I take on as a martyr.

The second person who was beating me down was "The Creeper." The Creeper is the one who tells you that you can't do something that you know you should. There are times when each of us are called by God to do something to further his kingdom. Maybe you were called to be brave and reach out to someone you didn't know. Maybe you were called to give a substantial amount of time to a cause. Or maybe you were called to write a bunch of blogs about how to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. The point is that when we are obedient to the Lord, we become a target for evil. Satan wants nothing more than to derail us from sharing God's love. My friend, Becca calls Satan "The Creeper" because he slowly creeps in and whispers things like,  

"Your kids are so needy. Just yell at them and then ignore them. You should make Zachary feel guilty for hitting you. Those kids shouldn't get to play with you. You're much too busy with more important things. Who else is going to get the laundry done, the kitchen cleaned and dinner on the table? You are totally unappreciated."

"Wow, it must be so nice for your husband to be sitting there without any kids to care for. What does he know about "work"? You're the one who deserves a break. Don't bother serving him until he serves you."

"How's the blog coming along? I wonder how many people read it? Oh wow, that post didn't get many viewings - people are probably getting tired of all your "God talk." You're not going to keep writing about God are you? You know that all your non-Christian friends are going to unfollow you on Facebook because you keep posting this propaganda. I can name five people off the top of my head who think you're a Bible thumper."

"Geeze, have you looked in a mirror today? You look like a hot mess. You probably won't ever lose all that fat around your belly. Your kids totally ruined your body. Remember when you used to be firm? Well, it's not like you were ever that firm, but you definitely looked better before kids. Why can't you look more like so-and-so who can wear a bikini? She always looks so put together with stylish clothes and beautiful hair. She has THREE kids and you only have TWO, so what is your excuse? You look frumpy in everything you put on. Could you at least put a little eye-liner on? There is no way your husband wants to be intimate with you looking like this. You're lucky you had him for this long."

I heard The Creeper say all of these disgusting lies to me. Many times a day. Most nights, I would cry in the shower and hope that tomorrow would be better, but it only got worse. The Creeper knows your innermost insecurities. He knows the buttons to press to send you deeper and deeper into the pit of despair where he hopes to slowly destroy you, your family and - most importantly - your relationship with God. The Creeper comes in and gives you a plethora of excuses as to why you can't fulfill God's purpose in your life.

I know, without a doubt, that my purpose right now, is to raise our children to love the Lord. In doing so, they need to see their parents love them in a way that reflects the love of Christ and they need to see what a God-centered marriage looks like. That means that another purpose for my life is to love, honor and respect Troy. I have also been given a purpose to use my passion for writing to encourage mothers who may feel like I do. These are all very important tasks that the Lord has given me and so of course Satan is going to attack me on all these accounts. I am listening to what my Heavenly Father is telling me to do and that threatens Satan. He likes to tell us that we aren't good enough to be of use to God, but even he knows that is a lie. We are empowered, gifted and prompted by the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit who encompasses all the fruits we are studying; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. God sees us as precious and valuable.

Something needed to change and quickly. The whole time I kept looking to Troy to try and fix me but  he didn't know what going on in my head - which is something that I do often. I want my husband just to take care of the problem, but unless I communicate that problem, my man can't help. I couldn't let my joy be robbed anymore. I sat down and talked with Troy. Well, I really more sobbed at him. I am surprised he was able to understand everything I was saying through my tears (it was actually ugly bawling). I told him that I was sorry for my selfishness and for trying to do everything by myself. I told him I was going to start asking for help (which he has been telling me to do for a while now) and I already had a few things that I needed him to do:

1. I need Troy to pray for me EVERY DAY.   Being a mom is super hard which Troy (and all of you) will definitely attest too. I need to know that my life partner is supporting me through prayer every day so that when the morning takes a turn for the worse with a sudden toddler temper tantrum combined with a baby blow out diaper, I know that I am covered in prayer. I also need to be praying for Troy everyday so when he is stressed at work he knows that he is covered in prayer.

2. I need Troy and I to pray together EVERY DAY.   During the toughest times in our marriage, we have prayed out loud together, but once things went back to easy living, we stopped. I need to be praying with my husband everyday about things that are specific to our marriage, our parenting and our struggles.

3. I need to have quality family time.   This means that while the kids are awake, NO PHONES. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Pinterest. No surfing the web or playing games. We can answer calls or send and receive texts but anything else needs to be done during a nap time or after bed time. We have already seen our first baby turn into a two year old in what seemed like overnight. I know that kids grow fast. I don't want us to miss anything and our phones are overpowering and destroying our family time. When Troy was on his phone, I would feel lonely and isolated even when he was home because he wasn't there mentally. Or when I was on my phone, I was missing out on sweet Sadie's gummy smiles or Zachary's new learned skills because I was checking my Twitter feed. It was gross and it had to stop.

After I bawled my eyes out, Troy held me for a very long time and as I calmed down, I realized that I felt better because now it was out in the open. Now my issues could start to be resolved. Now my hurts could start to be healed. As Troy hugged me, I thought about how his faithfulness to me as his wife was much like that of the Lord's faithfulness to me as His daughter. Even though I let The Doer and The Creeper come in and start to destroy the blessings and purposes that God gave me, the Lord never left me. Even though I felt helpless and alone, the Lord was always with me. And when I repented, He opened his arms even wider to me. God is always and forever faithful to us. Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." I love that visual.

My only goal in this life is to live in a way that when I meet my Creator in Heaven, he tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matthew 25:21) In order to be faithful to my Lord, I need to respond to his calling. And when I respond to his calling, I need to prepare myself for attacks from the evil one. And when The Creeper creeps in, I need to resist him, repent and turn my eyes back to the Lord, who is always faithful.

Weekly Parent Goals:

**This week, these goals are specific to me. As you can see from above, I have a lot of homework to do to dig myself out of the pit of self-pity. These goals are going to take much longer than a week. They are going to take a lifetime to work on as the ebb and flow of joy and brokenness wage through my life. Of course the Holy Spirit will speak into your heart if any of these goals resonate with your God given purpose.**

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to control my mind and create a clean heart.

Romans is probably the most underlined books in my Bible. In chapter one, we learn that the Holy Spirit convicts cleanly. He doesn't use crushing words of shame. If we are feeling guilty, we need to know that it is not from the Lord. Guilt is not a motivational tool used by the Lord because it undermines grace. When I start to find myself sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of despair, I need to ask the Lord to control my mind so that I am only thinking thoughts of the Lord. With that, I also need to ask the Lord to hit my restart button on my heart. My friend gave me a verse to meditate on while I was wallowing in my self pity. Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." This verse has been my reminder to ask the Lord to get rid of the filth and guilt and selfishness that I have carried in my heart and regain the joy that I have in knowing that I am a part of my Creator's family. This has been a very hard task for me to work on. Bitterness is ugly and it takes root on your heart and holds on tight. I have been reciting this verse many times, daily.

2. Have a marriage that reflects a covenant, not a contract.

Laura and Eric

We went to visit my sister and her husband over the fourth of July. I love watching how Laura and Eric interact. The word I would use to describe their marriage is 'thoughtful.' I told Eric over the weekend that he reminded me of my Pepa because he used to treat my grandma like a queen and Eric does that for Laura. Eric tried to scoff off the complement by saying that he is actually selfish because he just wants people to do the stuff for him that he does for others. But that is actually very far from selfish. One of the commands that Jesus made in the Sermon on the Mound was "Do to others as you would have done to you" (Luke 6:31). So all this time that I was bemoaning what Troy wasn't doing for me, I should have been doing those things for him. This means that if I want Troy to rub my feet more, I need to start rubbing his feet. If I want Troy to hug me more, I need to hug him more. If I want Troy to do sweet things for me more, I need to do sweet things for him. I was "keeping score" in our marriage.  Troy is the best thing that ever happened to me. Why on earth would I stoop so low as to keep score and possibly ruin one of God's greatest blessings to me? I love Troy but love is an action which means that I have to choose to do it. So my life's goal is love on Troy first . Do things for him first. Rub his feet first. (He is going to remind me of these foot rubs after reading this post!) Hug him first. Love him first.

3. Ask for help. 

We were not meant to do life alone. God created Eve for Adam because "it was not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). This is because we are supposed to help each other. I need to get over whatever baggage I have when it come to asking for help and just do it. I need to let go of the control issues I have and accept that when someone helps me, it will be different than how I would do it, and that's okay. More than that, I need to celebrate those moments when I actually have the courage to ask for help - even if the response is not what I was hoping for. Asking for help shows that we are aware of our limitations - which is good. We aren't meant to do it all.

This week's application for kids:

1. Blessing your kiddos.

Mary Ruth Swope wrote a book called The Power of Blessing Your Children. The book contains many blessings that you can read to your children. In her forward she writes about the power of blessing our children and that this power helps us to live successful lives for the Lord. She writes "We cannot allow Satan to rob us of this wonderful privilege." Of the many blessings she has listed in her book, there is one on faith, but I wanted to make this blessing more personal to the story I shared, so I wrote my own blessing this week on faithfulness. 

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless with you with the ability to clearly know God's purpose for your life and the obedience to follow through with it. I bless you with the power to ignore Satan's desire to rob you of your joy and derail you from the Lord's plans. 

I bless you with the knowledge of God's undying faithfulness for you and know that he will never leave you of forsake you. I bless you with the love of the Lord and to show your faithfulness to Him.

2. Weekly Scripture Challenge.
Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week and encourage your children to learn this verse too!

 "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

Psalms 36:5 

**I realize that this post was unlike the other fruits of the Spirit posts. I did not go into great detail on what the Bible says about faithfulness. I did not include an activity to teach faithfulness to our children. I certainly did not keep this post short and simple. What I did do was write with brutal honesty on how God is faithful to me (and everyone) even though we screw up.  I felt it was more important for you to know that I do not have all the answers and that I fail on a daily basis. I felt that this post was better spent sharing my struggles as I attempt to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. I also feel like living our purposes given to us by God is a life-long lesson in showing our children our faithfulness to the Lord and his faithfulness to us. Thank you for your understanding and hopefully kind and nonjudgmental thoughts.**

Goodness

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22

As a pseudo-writer, the word 'good' feels weak. I would rather describe something with a more colorful and visual word. Even when I was in school, my teachers would encourage us to use a different word to describe something as good. That word gets overused so much that it feels very bland.

How was your day today?                 Good.
How is your cheese pizza?                Good.
It's been so long! How are you?        Good!
What did you think of the movie?     Oh, it was good.

In Bible times, in order to get a point across, writers were redundant. They would repeat the word or phrase many times to get the message across that what they were saying was important. The concordance in my Bible lists 54 verses that contain the word 'good' which means that from the Bible's perspective, 'good' is far from bland.  'Good' is used to describe what God makes (Genesis 1, 1 Timothy 4:4) or God's character (Matthew 19:17, Psalm 34:8, 86:5). I think in today's culture, people - especially non-Christians - have a hard time viewing God as good. They see pain, suffering, sickness, hatred, war and destruction all around them and wonder how a "good God" could allow these things to happen. Some believe that these misfortunes are punishments to appease a vengeful God. I would image that people in Bible times had similar thoughts. Life was even harder then without the luxuries we have today. God does see the pain, the suffering, the sickness, the hatred, wars and destruction all around us. And he weeps with us. God doesn't revel in our low moments. He whispers encouragement to us and helps us up. In the verses below, Jesus describes what the Father is really like -  and He would know; He is his Son.

Matthew 7:9-12
“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

What Jesus is trying to explain here is that we, as loving parents, wouldn't be cruel to our children, and in the same way, God won't be cruel to us because we are his children. 1 John 3:1 says, "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"  He wants to pour his love on us. He wants to send down his blessings. We don't deserve it, but we are his children. Aren't we like that as parents? Don't we want to "lavish" our kids? I hate clutter and excess toys with a passion, but sometimes when I am out, I see something cool and want to buy it for Zachary or Sadie - not because they necessarily deserve it but because I love them and I want to make them happy. Our Heaven Father is the same way. Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Talk about the ultimate gift! And a GOOD one at that! Romans 8:32 shows how good God is. He could have kept his most precious Son at his side. He could have spared Jesus from a gruesome death, but he didn't. And Jesus was willing to go because God knew that this was what was best for his kids. He wanted to have a relationship with us but we messed everything up with our ugly sin. So the best gift we ever got was that of Christ who came and repaired our relationship with the Father.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

 Weekly Parent Goals:
1. Learn what gifts your Father has given you.

I am a  personality test junkie. I have taken the Myers Briggs, Strengths Finder, Love Languages and Spiritual Gifts quizzes. I am fascinated by how we are all so different. Knowing the gifts that we have been given by our Father helps us to know how we can further aide the Body of Christ through acts of service. It can also help us in our marriages and our parenting by using our strengths to help us instead of focusing on where we are lacking. Click on the link below to learn more about your spiritual gifts that God has given you!

Spiritual Gifts Test


2. Thank the Father for his good gifts to you.

We moms know how frustrating it can be when we do something nice for our little people without a simple thank you. It is always nice to be recognized for doing something nice. We owe all that we have and all that we are to our Heavenly Father, so it is vital that we thank him for all the blessings he has given us. Practice thanking him periodically during the day. When you wake up, thank him for another day, sun for a pool day or rain for your plants. Thank him for the meals that are on your table. Thank him for your family. Thank him for making the flowers look and smell so lovely. Thank him for giving you a hunky spouse (a little shout out to Troy Carlson!) The possibilities are endless. Not only does thanking the Lord make you aware of what he has done for you, it is a great way to pull yourself out of a lousy or crabby mood.

This week's application for kids:
1. Bless your kiddos.

In my previous posts I have used blessings written by Mary Ruth Swope in her book, The Power of Blessing Your Children. She says in her book, "One thing should be clear: we have the ability to influence both our personal lives and the future of our nation through the powerful act of speaking blessings. It is a foundation stone for successful family and community living." Of the many blessings she has listed in her book, there is not one general blessing on goodness, but there is a section where the reader can write his/her own blessings, so I wrote my own blessing this week on goodness.

In the name of Jesus:

I bless you with the awareness of God's faithful goodness. May you always be able to recognize his great love for you through the gifts he has given you. Be sure not to compare your gifts with others, as we were all created for different but intentional purposes.

I bless you with the ability to actively and cheerfully thank the Lord for what he has given you, both tangible and not. I also bless you with the ability to give good gifts to others with your time and resources.

May you always know that God's goodness and love will always follow you all the days of your life.

2. Try and activity that explains goodness to your kids.

Just as our Heavenly Father gives us good gifts, we try to give good gifts to our children. This week, give your children a good gift. For example, maybe your daughter loves playing dress up. Pull out your good dishes, put on fancy dresses and have a tea party. Eat little cakes and talk in silly accents as you sip your tea. Maybe you give her a cheap feather boa from the party store to wear. Or maybe your son like to play war games (as many boys do) outside. Get a bucket and fill it with water balloons and a couple of water guns and have a water fight in the back yard. We like to take Zachary swimming. Our community pool is half off after 5pm. It is an inexpensive way to show our son goodness. Your gift could be something simple and cheap like a feather boa or water balloons, but the real gift is your time and recognition of a game or activity that your child loves. When you're done playing, relax together and ask your child why he/she think you did that activity. Tell them it is because you love them and you love to see them happy. In the same way our Heavenly Father loves them too - even more than Mommy and Daddy - and he loves to give them good gifts too. Talk about the gifts the Lord has given your children. Maybe your child is a gifted reader/artist/athlete, or maybe your child is compassionate/driven/organized. These are all gifts that the Lord has given us. Help your children recognize that they were "wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) by the Father.

3. Weekly Scripture Challenge.
Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week. Encourage your children to do so also!  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:17

Be sure to share your experiences with this topic. What did you learn about yourself/your kids/the Lord? What activities did you do with your kids to teach them about goodness? I would love to hear them!