5 Reasons Why Moms Don't Ask for Help

When I say that I hate asking for help, it’s not a joke. I physically hate asking for help. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible outcomes, my stomach gets twisted along with my words and sometimes I even start to sweat. Growing up, I was conditioned by my circumstances that asking for help was a waste of time. As I got older, I figured out how to do things on my own. I came to view help as a weakness or a lack of creativity. 

This carried view into adulthood and I had no idea how out of control my issues with help were until I had children. After my son Zachary was born, I soon learned how to juggle all the tasks that needed to be done. I knew that I should be getting more help than what I was receiving but I wasn’t about to ask for it. That was beneath me. That was weakness. After my daughter Sadie was born, I felt like all the balls I had been juggling on my own were starting to fall one by one. Emotionally, I was unraveling. Physically, I was a hot mess. Mentally, I was depleted. I lacked value in myself as a mother, a wife, a friend and a woman.

I finally addressed this issue with my husband. (I share more about this story in my Faithfulness blog.) My problem was not him, it was me. I had such a hard time asking for help that he just assumed I was able to handle it all. “I can’t read your mind, Pam. You need to ask me for help sometimes.” That’s easier said than done. What if he lets me down? What if when I ask for help, things get worse, or I get an excuse, or I am viewed as a bad mom?

Around this time, my dear friend presented me with a challenge. She told me that I needed to ask for help every day for the entire month of August. During this time, I was to write down the request, how I felt about it, the other person’s response and then reflect on the aftermath. After she told me this, I had a minor panic attack. I immediately began coming up with a mental list as to why I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge. Then I realized that I NEEDED to do this challenge BECAUSE it made me feel so uncomfortable. So I agreed to this help challenge, and wouldn’t you know it, my August was a challenging month which meant lots of “opportunities” to ask for help. 

The beginning of the month, we did a lot of traveling. One trip was to see my family in Michigan while Troy was at a wedding in Minnesota. I knew that I was going to need to ask for help a lot during that weekend because I was caring for Zachary and Sadie alone, and in an environment that was not our home. I had to unpack all the gear, clothes, toys and food we would need, all by myself. I had to feed, bathe and play with the kids, all by myself. I knew if I was going to finish the weekend with my wits in tact, I was going to need to ask for help. My sister and her husband decided to meet up with us at the cabin that weekend and I probably asked Laura to help me at least 20 times. She either held, clothed, changed a diaper, fed, cleaned or occupied one of my kids almost all weekend. She even helped me repack the car. I felt cared for and less stressed out knowing that I wasn't doing everything alone. I realized my own limitations and was only too glad to ask Laura for help, but I also know that Laura always cheerfully comes to my aide.

After the weekend with my family, my husband rejoined us for a week at the beach with his family. When it was time to move the kids into their bedtime routines, I asked my sister-in-law if she would hold Sadie in the sink while I washed her. I had some anxiety about asking for help, but Tricia was glad to have some extra time with Sadie. I was feeling pretty good about asking for help, so I went out on a limb and asked if she would help me bathe Sadie for the rest of the week (bonus points!!!) and she said yes.  Once again, I felt proud of myself for not trying to bathe Sadie alone and risk having to schedule rotator cuff surgery on a five month old.

The rest of the week I asked for general help from my husband and his famly. The last day of our trip, I was packing the car and got overheated. Sadie wouldn’t stop crying for Troy and so we switched jobs, but I was so sweaty and light headed that I couldn’t really hold her. I asked my mother-in-law to take Sadie - well I really just handed the sweet babe to her without giving her a chance to say no. She immediately took her and I felt like she did so out of concern for me which made me feel cared for. My mother-in-law even got me some water and told me to relax.

When we got back from our vacation, I needed to go to the grocery store. While there, I was reaching for a bottle of salad dressing and it was too high. I looked over at a tall man who was nearby and thought of my friend’s challenge. I knew I should ask him for help but I felt weird about it, so I stood there arguing with myself and probably looking like a fool. He offered to help me before I had the chance to ask him. I feel like I cheated and sheepishly put the dressing in my cart and slinked away to the next aisle.

Throughout the month, there were a number of times I asked for help. I asked a friend to hold Sadie when my cat escaped out the front door - normally, I would have run down the street, jostling Sadie to grab the cat. I asked Troy to take care of the dinner dishes a couple of nights - which is a much healthier alternative to complaining about doing everything myself. I even asked Zachary to help me get some of Sadie’s toys out for her - which is important for their relationship and for family life. I know this may seem like simple requests, but these are exactly the kind of things that I would juggle all by myself instead of simply asking for help. Then the last full week in August, my husband decided “we” should potty train Zachary. That week I asked for help a lot. I would ask for advice from a friend who was potty training her daughter. I asked Troy to figure out dinners for a majority of the nights, I asked Troy to either care for Sadie or watch Zachary like a hawk as he toddled around my house naked from the waist down and proceeded to mark his territory around my house. Before I knew it, the month was over and so was my challenge. 

So, what did I learn from this experience? First of all, I learned that I need to have this challenge every day even though August is done and over. I need to be asking for more help so that I don’t get fried. Being a mom and is a 24/7/365 job. There are no lunch or coffee breaks, there is no clock out time and there is no vacation. If I don’t ask those who care about me to lend a hand sometimes, I am going to snap and the thing is that I really can’t do it all. I don’t want my kids to think they can’t ask for help when they really need it but if I am their example and they never see me asking for help, what I am I really teaching them? Secondly, most people don’t mind helping. As I reflected on this month, I realized that I am not the only mom who struggles with asking for help. I think that there are five reasons why moms have a hard time doing something so simple.

1. We assume people won’t help when we ask. When I sat down to write this piece, I finally told my husband all about the challenge. I didn’t want to say anything before because I thought it would taint the experiment and I wanted to see the real response he would give me. The thing is that his real response was genuine. He truly didn’t mind helping me. He didn’t do it so I would write nice things about him; he helped me because he cares about me. The real kicker is that Troy told me that he didn’t even notice me asking for more help which he said should put my mind at ease because he knows I feel guilty about it.

2. We actually think we can do it all. I am a control freak which is one of the reasons why my friend challenged me to this asking for help thing. I think I can do it all and honestly, I can – for a very short period of time. After all, isn’t that what we see all over Pinterest and Facebook? Moms looking stylish while crafting gorgeous monogrammed wreaths for their front door only after they finished assembling their child’s funny face lunch made only with organic fruits and veggies? I mean if she can do it, then I should too, right? Wrong. All moms struggle with putting too much on their plate and getting burnt out. Even Organic-Veggie-Mom probably cried when her toddler threw the plate on the floor and demanded macaroni and cheese. It is vitally important for us moms to learn two phrases and use them:

                “No, I can’t work that into my life right now.” 

                “I need help.”

3. We don’t want others to think we are weak. By asking for help, we are admitting that we can’t do something on our own which can feel like a form of weakness but this myth is something that we need to debunk right now. Think of someone who is strong - physically, mentally or vocationally. That person did not obtain such a high level of success alone. Someone was there coaching and directing and yes, helping them achieve their goals. The same is true with us moms. The beauty of the tribe of motherhood is that we all get it. We all know that this job is so hard. You’re not weak when you ask for help. You’re human.

4. We have had people in our past who have let us down. Everyone has baggage when it comes to failed relationships but we have to remember that what was true in our past does not dictate what will be true in our future. We all have two classifications of people, those who we can depend on and those who we can’t. We need to tap into that first group and ask for help sometimes. Those who really care about us won’t meet us with an excuse, they won’t judge us for being a bad mom, and they want to see us succeed as a parent.

5. We don’t know how people can help us. Sometimes our problems seem so big that they swallow us whole. We have no idea how to claw our way out and so we assume that others won’t be able to help us either. I have found that if you start with your personal goal, those who care about you can help you work backwards. A few months ago, I was taking on too much alone. By then end of the night, I would end up in the shower, crying, because I knew tomorrow would be a rerun of that day. I stepped back and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy my family. I wanted to look at my children and not feel like they were holding me back. I didn’t want my joy to be taken from me. So I talked about it with a close friend and my husband and with their help I came up with a plan which involved asking for help . . . a lot. 

We have been entrusted to love and care for these little people who know us as “Mommy”. This exercise has taught me to sit back and reflect on how I want my children to see me. I do not want them to see me as a person who gets burnt out because I say yes to everything. I want them to see me as someone who recognizes limitations and has the courage to reach out and ask for help. So, if you see me struggling at the grocery store to reach for a bottle of salad dressing, this time I hope you also see me turn to the tallest person in the aisle and ask for help.

** Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**

Faithfulness

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22

This post is the hardest one I have had to write so far because I am about to get real with you - like brutally honest and somewhat embarrassed to be admitting all of this - real with you. The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me with this last week completely knocking me to my knees. I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. As a mother, I had zero patience with Zachary and Sadie. Their needs felt like boxes on my "to do" list. I would groan when Zachary would want to be held while I was nursing Sadie or when Sadie would cry while I tried to eat dinner. As a wife, I realized that I was creating a contractual marriage instead of a covenanted marriage. My husband has started to become my roommate and instead of focusing on all that he does for our family, I was focusing on what he wasn't doing for me. As a woman, I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and lamented about how this was the best I could do. All around, I was selfish with my husband and children. I wanted to know who was going to take care of me? When was I going to get doted on? When was it my turn to have fun or relax? As a writer, I was prideful about my blog posts. I judged my "success" of them by how many post viewings I had. Or I worried that people would think that I was a crazy religious zealot. I cried often, feeling like I was stuck in my own prison of self-pity. In my despair, I was unable to act on the parent goals that I had written about during this series.

I wasn't completing tasks with joy or looking for joy in my trials.

I wasn't stopping in my tracks to pray.

I wasn't practicing gratitude.

I wasn't letting go of worry.

I wasn't practicing patience.

I wasn't forgiving.

I realized that I was feeling such despair because of two people; "The Doer" and "The Creeper." The first person who was destroying my joy was "The Doer," who was . . . . me. I am a control freak. I think that I know what works best for me and my family and so I juggle everything by myself. I can't let Troy -or anyone else- help me because it won't get done the way I would do it. I hate asking for help because it means I can't do something. I hate asking for help because I am worried that I will be met with an excuse. I hate asking for help because I feel guilty that someone is doing something that I am physically capable of doing. So instead of reaching out to someone, I add it to my pile of stuff and make it work - and it does work, for a short amount of time. But then I become an enabler to all of those around me. They see me juggling just fine on my own so the offer to help is non-existent, which fuels my stress and the attitude I take on as a martyr.

The second person who was beating me down was "The Creeper." The Creeper is the one who tells you that you can't do something that you know you should. There are times when each of us are called by God to do something to further his kingdom. Maybe you were called to be brave and reach out to someone you didn't know. Maybe you were called to give a substantial amount of time to a cause. Or maybe you were called to write a bunch of blogs about how to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. The point is that when we are obedient to the Lord, we become a target for evil. Satan wants nothing more than to derail us from sharing God's love. My friend, Becca calls Satan "The Creeper" because he slowly creeps in and whispers things like,  

"Your kids are so needy. Just yell at them and then ignore them. You should make Zachary feel guilty for hitting you. Those kids shouldn't get to play with you. You're much too busy with more important things. Who else is going to get the laundry done, the kitchen cleaned and dinner on the table? You are totally unappreciated."

"Wow, it must be so nice for your husband to be sitting there without any kids to care for. What does he know about "work"? You're the one who deserves a break. Don't bother serving him until he serves you."

"How's the blog coming along? I wonder how many people read it? Oh wow, that post didn't get many viewings - people are probably getting tired of all your "God talk." You're not going to keep writing about God are you? You know that all your non-Christian friends are going to unfollow you on Facebook because you keep posting this propaganda. I can name five people off the top of my head who think you're a Bible thumper."

"Geeze, have you looked in a mirror today? You look like a hot mess. You probably won't ever lose all that fat around your belly. Your kids totally ruined your body. Remember when you used to be firm? Well, it's not like you were ever that firm, but you definitely looked better before kids. Why can't you look more like so-and-so who can wear a bikini? She always looks so put together with stylish clothes and beautiful hair. She has THREE kids and you only have TWO, so what is your excuse? You look frumpy in everything you put on. Could you at least put a little eye-liner on? There is no way your husband wants to be intimate with you looking like this. You're lucky you had him for this long."

I heard The Creeper say all of these disgusting lies to me. Many times a day. Most nights, I would cry in the shower and hope that tomorrow would be better, but it only got worse. The Creeper knows your innermost insecurities. He knows the buttons to press to send you deeper and deeper into the pit of despair where he hopes to slowly destroy you, your family and - most importantly - your relationship with God. The Creeper comes in and gives you a plethora of excuses as to why you can't fulfill God's purpose in your life.

I know, without a doubt, that my purpose right now, is to raise our children to love the Lord. In doing so, they need to see their parents love them in a way that reflects the love of Christ and they need to see what a God-centered marriage looks like. That means that another purpose for my life is to love, honor and respect Troy. I have also been given a purpose to use my passion for writing to encourage mothers who may feel like I do. These are all very important tasks that the Lord has given me and so of course Satan is going to attack me on all these accounts. I am listening to what my Heavenly Father is telling me to do and that threatens Satan. He likes to tell us that we aren't good enough to be of use to God, but even he knows that is a lie. We are empowered, gifted and prompted by the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit who encompasses all the fruits we are studying; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. God sees us as precious and valuable.

Something needed to change and quickly. The whole time I kept looking to Troy to try and fix me but  he didn't know what going on in my head - which is something that I do often. I want my husband just to take care of the problem, but unless I communicate that problem, my man can't help. I couldn't let my joy be robbed anymore. I sat down and talked with Troy. Well, I really more sobbed at him. I am surprised he was able to understand everything I was saying through my tears (it was actually ugly bawling). I told him that I was sorry for my selfishness and for trying to do everything by myself. I told him I was going to start asking for help (which he has been telling me to do for a while now) and I already had a few things that I needed him to do:

1. I need Troy to pray for me EVERY DAY.   Being a mom is super hard which Troy (and all of you) will definitely attest too. I need to know that my life partner is supporting me through prayer every day so that when the morning takes a turn for the worse with a sudden toddler temper tantrum combined with a baby blow out diaper, I know that I am covered in prayer. I also need to be praying for Troy everyday so when he is stressed at work he knows that he is covered in prayer.

2. I need Troy and I to pray together EVERY DAY.   During the toughest times in our marriage, we have prayed out loud together, but once things went back to easy living, we stopped. I need to be praying with my husband everyday about things that are specific to our marriage, our parenting and our struggles.

3. I need to have quality family time.   This means that while the kids are awake, NO PHONES. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Pinterest. No surfing the web or playing games. We can answer calls or send and receive texts but anything else needs to be done during a nap time or after bed time. We have already seen our first baby turn into a two year old in what seemed like overnight. I know that kids grow fast. I don't want us to miss anything and our phones are overpowering and destroying our family time. When Troy was on his phone, I would feel lonely and isolated even when he was home because he wasn't there mentally. Or when I was on my phone, I was missing out on sweet Sadie's gummy smiles or Zachary's new learned skills because I was checking my Twitter feed. It was gross and it had to stop.

After I bawled my eyes out, Troy held me for a very long time and as I calmed down, I realized that I felt better because now it was out in the open. Now my issues could start to be resolved. Now my hurts could start to be healed. As Troy hugged me, I thought about how his faithfulness to me as his wife was much like that of the Lord's faithfulness to me as His daughter. Even though I let The Doer and The Creeper come in and start to destroy the blessings and purposes that God gave me, the Lord never left me. Even though I felt helpless and alone, the Lord was always with me. And when I repented, He opened his arms even wider to me. God is always and forever faithful to us. Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." I love that visual.

My only goal in this life is to live in a way that when I meet my Creator in Heaven, he tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matthew 25:21) In order to be faithful to my Lord, I need to respond to his calling. And when I respond to his calling, I need to prepare myself for attacks from the evil one. And when The Creeper creeps in, I need to resist him, repent and turn my eyes back to the Lord, who is always faithful.

Weekly Parent Goals:

**This week, these goals are specific to me. As you can see from above, I have a lot of homework to do to dig myself out of the pit of self-pity. These goals are going to take much longer than a week. They are going to take a lifetime to work on as the ebb and flow of joy and brokenness wage through my life. Of course the Holy Spirit will speak into your heart if any of these goals resonate with your God given purpose.**

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to control my mind and create a clean heart.

Romans is probably the most underlined books in my Bible. In chapter one, we learn that the Holy Spirit convicts cleanly. He doesn't use crushing words of shame. If we are feeling guilty, we need to know that it is not from the Lord. Guilt is not a motivational tool used by the Lord because it undermines grace. When I start to find myself sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of despair, I need to ask the Lord to control my mind so that I am only thinking thoughts of the Lord. With that, I also need to ask the Lord to hit my restart button on my heart. My friend gave me a verse to meditate on while I was wallowing in my self pity. Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." This verse has been my reminder to ask the Lord to get rid of the filth and guilt and selfishness that I have carried in my heart and regain the joy that I have in knowing that I am a part of my Creator's family. This has been a very hard task for me to work on. Bitterness is ugly and it takes root on your heart and holds on tight. I have been reciting this verse many times, daily.

2. Have a marriage that reflects a covenant, not a contract.

Laura and Eric

We went to visit my sister and her husband over the fourth of July. I love watching how Laura and Eric interact. The word I would use to describe their marriage is 'thoughtful.' I told Eric over the weekend that he reminded me of my Pepa because he used to treat my grandma like a queen and Eric does that for Laura. Eric tried to scoff off the complement by saying that he is actually selfish because he just wants people to do the stuff for him that he does for others. But that is actually very far from selfish. One of the commands that Jesus made in the Sermon on the Mound was "Do to others as you would have done to you" (Luke 6:31). So all this time that I was bemoaning what Troy wasn't doing for me, I should have been doing those things for him. This means that if I want Troy to rub my feet more, I need to start rubbing his feet. If I want Troy to hug me more, I need to hug him more. If I want Troy to do sweet things for me more, I need to do sweet things for him. I was "keeping score" in our marriage.  Troy is the best thing that ever happened to me. Why on earth would I stoop so low as to keep score and possibly ruin one of God's greatest blessings to me? I love Troy but love is an action which means that I have to choose to do it. So my life's goal is love on Troy first . Do things for him first. Rub his feet first. (He is going to remind me of these foot rubs after reading this post!) Hug him first. Love him first.

3. Ask for help. 

We were not meant to do life alone. God created Eve for Adam because "it was not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). This is because we are supposed to help each other. I need to get over whatever baggage I have when it come to asking for help and just do it. I need to let go of the control issues I have and accept that when someone helps me, it will be different than how I would do it, and that's okay. More than that, I need to celebrate those moments when I actually have the courage to ask for help - even if the response is not what I was hoping for. Asking for help shows that we are aware of our limitations - which is good. We aren't meant to do it all.

This week's application for kids:

1. Blessing your kiddos.

Mary Ruth Swope wrote a book called The Power of Blessing Your Children. The book contains many blessings that you can read to your children. In her forward she writes about the power of blessing our children and that this power helps us to live successful lives for the Lord. She writes "We cannot allow Satan to rob us of this wonderful privilege." Of the many blessings she has listed in her book, there is one on faith, but I wanted to make this blessing more personal to the story I shared, so I wrote my own blessing this week on faithfulness. 

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless with you with the ability to clearly know God's purpose for your life and the obedience to follow through with it. I bless you with the power to ignore Satan's desire to rob you of your joy and derail you from the Lord's plans. 

I bless you with the knowledge of God's undying faithfulness for you and know that he will never leave you of forsake you. I bless you with the love of the Lord and to show your faithfulness to Him.

2. Weekly Scripture Challenge.
Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week and encourage your children to learn this verse too!

 "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

Psalms 36:5 

**I realize that this post was unlike the other fruits of the Spirit posts. I did not go into great detail on what the Bible says about faithfulness. I did not include an activity to teach faithfulness to our children. I certainly did not keep this post short and simple. What I did do was write with brutal honesty on how God is faithful to me (and everyone) even though we screw up.  I felt it was more important for you to know that I do not have all the answers and that I fail on a daily basis. I felt that this post was better spent sharing my struggles as I attempt to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. I also feel like living our purposes given to us by God is a life-long lesson in showing our children our faithfulness to the Lord and his faithfulness to us. Thank you for your understanding and hopefully kind and nonjudgmental thoughts.**