When I say that I hate asking for
help, it’s not a joke. I physically hate
asking for help. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible outcomes, my
stomach gets twisted along with my words and sometimes I even start to sweat.
Growing up, I was conditioned by my circumstances that asking for help was a
waste of time. As I got older, I
figured out how to do things on my own. I came to view help as a weakness or a
lack of creativity.
This carried view into adulthood
and I had no idea how out of control my issues with help were until I had
children. After my son Zachary was born, I soon learned how to juggle all the
tasks that needed to be done. I knew that I should be getting more help than what
I was receiving but I wasn’t about to ask
for it. That was beneath me. That was
weakness. After my daughter Sadie was born, I felt like all the balls I had
been juggling on my own were starting to fall one by one. Emotionally, I was
unraveling. Physically, I was a hot mess. Mentally, I was depleted. I lacked value in myself as a mother, a wife,
a friend and a woman.
I finally addressed this issue
with my husband. (I share more about this story in my Faithfulness blog.) My problem was not him, it was me. I had such a hard time asking
for help that he just assumed I was able to handle it all. “I can’t read your
mind, Pam. You need to ask me for help sometimes.” That’s easier said than
done. What if he lets me down? What if when I ask for help, things get worse,
or I get an excuse, or I am viewed as a bad mom?
Around this time, my dear friend
presented me with a challenge. She told me that I needed to ask for help every day for the entire
month of August. During this time, I was to write down the request, how I felt
about it, the other person’s response and then reflect on the aftermath. After she
told me this, I had a minor panic attack. I immediately began coming up with a
mental list as to why I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge. Then I realized
that I NEEDED to do this challenge BECAUSE it made me feel so uncomfortable. So
I agreed to this help challenge, and wouldn’t you know it, my August was a
challenging month which meant lots of “opportunities” to ask for help.
The beginning of the month, we
did a lot of traveling. One trip was to see my family in Michigan while Troy was at a wedding in Minnesota. I knew that I was going to need to ask for help a lot during that weekend because I was caring for Zachary and Sadie alone, and in an environment that was not our home. I had to unpack all the gear, clothes, toys and food we would need, all by myself. I had to feed, bathe and play with the kids, all by myself. I knew if I was going to finish the weekend with my wits in tact, I was going to need to ask for help. My sister and her husband decided to meet up with us at the cabin that weekend and I probably asked Laura to help me at least 20 times. She either held, clothed, changed a diaper, fed, cleaned or occupied one of my kids almost all weekend. She even helped me repack the car. I felt cared for and less stressed out knowing that I wasn't doing everything alone. I realized my own limitations and was only too glad to ask Laura for help, but I also know that Laura always cheerfully comes to my aide.
After the weekend with my family, my husband rejoined us for a week
at the beach with his family. When it was time to move the kids into their bedtime routines, I
asked my sister-in-law if she would hold Sadie in the sink while I washed her.
I had some anxiety about asking for help, but Tricia was glad to have some extra time with Sadie. I was feeling pretty good about asking
for help, so I went out on a limb and asked if she would help me bathe Sadie
for the rest of the week (bonus points!!!) and she said yes. Once again, I felt proud of myself for not
trying to bathe Sadie alone and risk having to schedule rotator cuff surgery on
a five month old.
The rest of the week I asked for
general help from my husband and his famly. The last day of our trip, I was
packing the car and got overheated. Sadie wouldn’t stop crying for Troy and so
we switched jobs, but I was so sweaty and light headed that I couldn’t really
hold her. I asked my mother-in-law to take Sadie - well I really just handed the
sweet babe to her without giving her a chance to say no. She immediately took
her and I felt like she did so out of concern for me which made me feel cared
for. My mother-in-law even got me some water and told me to relax.
When we got back from our vacation,
I needed to go to the grocery store. While there, I was reaching for a bottle
of salad dressing and it was too high. I looked over at a tall man who was
nearby and thought of my friend’s challenge. I knew I should ask him for help
but I felt weird about it, so I stood there arguing with myself and probably
looking like a fool. He offered to help me before I had the chance to ask him.
I feel like I cheated and sheepishly put the dressing in my cart and slinked
away to the next aisle.
Throughout the month, there were
a number of times I asked for help. I asked a friend to hold Sadie when my cat
escaped out the front door - normally, I would have run down the street, jostling
Sadie to grab the cat. I asked Troy to take care of the dinner dishes a couple
of nights - which is a much healthier alternative to complaining about
doing everything myself. I even asked Zachary to help me get some of Sadie’s
toys out for her - which is important for their relationship and for family
life. I know this may seem like simple requests, but these are exactly the kind
of things that I would juggle all by myself instead of simply asking for help. Then
the last full week in August, my husband decided “we” should potty train
Zachary. That
week I asked for help a lot. I would ask for advice from a friend who was potty
training her daughter. I asked Troy to figure out dinners for a majority of the
nights, I asked Troy to either care for Sadie or watch Zachary like a hawk as
he toddled around my house naked from the waist down and proceeded to mark his
territory around my house. Before I knew it, the month was over and so was my
challenge.
So, what did I learn from this
experience? First of all, I learned that I need to have this challenge every
day even though August is done and over. I need to be asking for more help so
that I don’t get fried. Being a mom and is a 24/7/365 job. There are no lunch
or coffee breaks, there is no clock out time and there is no vacation. If I
don’t ask those who care about me to lend a hand sometimes, I am going to snap
and the thing is that I really can’t
do it all. I don’t want my kids to think they can’t ask for help when they
really need it but if I am their example and they never see me asking for help,
what I am I really teaching them? Secondly, most people don’t mind helping. As
I reflected on this month, I realized that I am not the only mom who struggles
with asking for help. I think that there are five reasons why moms have a hard
time doing something so simple.
1. We assume people won’t help when we ask. When I sat down to
write this piece, I finally told my husband all about the challenge. I didn’t
want to say anything before because I thought it would taint the experiment and I
wanted to see the real response he
would give me. The thing is that his real response was genuine. He truly didn’t mind helping me. He didn’t do it so I
would write nice things about him; he helped me because he cares about me. The
real kicker is that Troy told me that he didn’t even notice me asking for more
help which he said should put my mind at ease because he knows I feel guilty
about it.
2. We actually think we can
do it all. I am a control freak which is one of the reasons why my friend
challenged me to this asking for help thing. I think I can do it all and
honestly, I can – for a very short period of time. After all, isn’t that what
we see all over Pinterest and Facebook? Moms looking stylish while crafting gorgeous
monogrammed wreaths for their front door only after they finished assembling
their child’s funny face lunch made only with organic fruits and veggies? I
mean if she can do it, then I should too, right? Wrong. All moms struggle with
putting too much on their plate and getting burnt out. Even Organic-Veggie-Mom
probably cried when her toddler threw the plate on the floor and demanded
macaroni and cheese. It is
vitally important for us moms to learn two phrases and use them:
“No, I
can’t work that into my life right now.”
“I need
help.”
3. We don’t want others to think we are weak. By asking for help,
we are admitting that we can’t do something on our own which can feel like a
form of weakness but this myth is something that we need to debunk right now.
Think of someone who is strong - physically, mentally or vocationally. That
person did not obtain such a high level of success alone. Someone was there
coaching and directing and yes, helping them achieve their goals. The same is
true with us moms. The beauty of the tribe of motherhood is that we all get it.
We all know that this job is so hard. You’re not weak when you ask for help.
You’re human.
4. We have had people in our past who have let us down. Everyone has baggage when it comes to failed relationships but we
have to remember that what was true in our past does not dictate what will be
true in our future. We all have two classifications of people, those who we can
depend on and those who we can’t. We need to tap into that first group and ask
for help sometimes. Those who really care about us won’t meet us with an
excuse, they won’t judge us for being a bad mom, and they want to see us
succeed as a parent.
5. We don’t know how people can
help us. Sometimes our problems seem so big that they swallow us whole. We
have no idea how to claw our way out and so we assume that others won’t be able
to help us either. I have found that if you start with your personal goal,
those who care about you can help you work backwards. A few months ago, I was
taking on too much alone. By then end of the night, I would end up in the
shower, crying, because I knew tomorrow would be a rerun of that day. I stepped
back and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy my family. I wanted to
look at my children and not feel like they were holding me back. I didn’t want
my joy to be taken from me. So I talked about it with a close friend and my
husband and with their help I came up with a plan which involved asking for
help . . . a lot.
We have been entrusted
to love and care for these little people who know us as “Mommy”. This exercise
has taught me to sit back and reflect on how I want my children to see me. I do
not want them to see me as a person who gets burnt out because I say yes to everything.
I want them to see me as someone who recognizes limitations and has the courage
to reach out and ask for help. So, if you see me struggling at the grocery
store to reach for a bottle of salad dressing, this time I hope you also see me
turn to the tallest person in the aisle and ask for help.
** Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**
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