Love

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."  

Galatians 5:22

In my previous blog post, I wrote about how I felt gentle nudging to write about the fruit of the Spirit and to break down each of the characters and talk about how they relate to us rearing our children. Our first attribute is love. The concordance in my Bible lists 326 verses that contain the word "love." That must mean that love is a pretty big deal. It is also interesting to note that in Bible times, it was harder for a writer to get an important message across since tools such as bold font or italics were still far into the future. Important words/phrases/messages were relayed through repetition (thus the 326 verses about love) and the most important person/topic/idea was often listed first, as in our theme verse. As if that wasn't enough to stress the importance of love, Paul spells it out for us in 1 Corinthians 13:13 when he wrote, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Love is the reason why God saved us from our sins. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life." I have heard that verse my entire life, but when I sit and really reflect on that, I realize what a heavy verse that is. As a parent, I can't even imagine how heart-wrenching it must have been for the Father to watch his Son suffer for mankind. But Jesus was going to conquer death because He loves us that much to sacrifice Himself. While studying this topic, I wanted to focus on how Jesus showed love while He was on earth. While there are many, many ways, I narrowed it down to five: quality time, discipline, forgiveness, prayer and serving.

Quality Time. Throughout the Gospels, we read about how Jesus was almost always with His disciples. Even when He was teaching to large crowds, He would often withdraw with His disciples (Mark 3:7, 13). With His Twelve, He ate, traveled, preached, healed and fished. The night that He was betrayed by Judas, Jesus knew what was going to happen and spent His last night with His disciples where the first communion was served. If you love someone, then you need to spend quality time with them to cultivate the relationship. The same is true with our kids. Obviously we love them, but sometimes that quality time piece is easy to drop. Between soccer, Girl Scouts, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, and so on, we sometimes lose that one-on-one time with our wee ones. Being a list-oriented person who bases the success of a day on the tasks completed, this is a tough one for me. Especially since reading Baby Beluga for the tenth time doesn't really thrill me. One way I make sure I get quality time with my kids is at bedtime. I leave my phone downstairs. I talk and coo at Sadie while I bathe and nurse her. After she is down for the night, I get Zachary ready for bed and when he is in his jammies, we snuggle in the chair in his room while he brushes his teeth. I scratch his back or his legs and we talk about the day. I think he looks forward to it too because he knows he has my undivided attention and I honestly feel like my heart grows bigger during this time.

Discipline. Sometimes it is hard to understand why discipline is a form of love - especially if you are the one being disciplined, but all discipline should be rooted in love. Jesus would rebuke His disciples (the biggest offender was Peter) not because He wanted to show them how He was right but because He loved them and wanted what was best for them. Hebrews 12:6 says, "because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." When I tell Zachary not to climb up the backrest of our kitchen chairs, it's not because I don't want him to have fun, it's because I don't want him to fall and get hurt. Unfortunately, sometimes Zachary needs to learn that lesson the hard way - yep, he fell off the chair and nailed his head, but don't we do the same thing? Don't we do what we think is best sometimes instead of what God knows is best? And then we fall and nail our heads and realize we should have done it God's way to begin with. I often think about this when I am disciplining Zachary. I get so frustrated with him when he doesn't listen to me, but how often does God get frustrated with me for the same offense? Revelation 3:19 says, "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent." 

Forgiveness. This word feels heavy and light all at the same time, it just depends on whether you are the one giving or receiving the forgiveness. Jesus told a parable about a servant who owed his master a great deal of money. After pleading for his life, the servant was pardoned by his master and his debt was canceled. That same servant left his master and ran into a fellow servant who owed him a small amount of money. He demanded the debt be paid and refused the man mercy when he could not pay and threw him in prison. The master found out what happened and was furious. He called the servant and said, "You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" (Matthew 18:23-35). Shouldn't we have mercy on our fellow servants just as the Lord has mercy on us?

I know it is hard. I know about the excuses; I have used them myself. "She really hurt me." "That is just unforgivable." "You don't know what happened." "He will just do it again." What if the excuses we use not to forgive others, God used not to forgive us? After all, he gave his Son - a HUGE sacrifice. He could easily say, I am not going to let my Son's death pardon the pride that Pam Carlson exhibited last week. He could, but he doesn't. Not only are we called to forgive (Mark 11:25), we should want to because it is so freeing! Grudges are heavy, ugly and unbecoming. We can't let our children think this is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Model forgiveness for your kids when you are in a conflict. Use the words "I forgive you" the first time they tell you they are sorry. I heard a story about a boy who did something rotten to his mother and when he finally mustered up the courage to apologize, her response was, "I already forgave you." What a beautiful thing to say. Imagine the weight that must have lifted off his shoulders hearing that. 

Prayer. Jesus knew that in order to get the most out of His time on earth and complete His Father's will, He needed to talk to the Father and He needed to do it often. He would pray alone and He would pray with others. Jesus prayed to offer up praise to his Father (Matthew 11:25-26), He prayed for protection over His disciples - which also includes Christians today - (John 17:6-26), He prayed for forgiveness of those who wronged Him (Luke 23:34), and He prayed as an example as to how we should pray (Matthew 6:13). Just as Jesus modeled this for his disciples, we need to do the same for our kiddos. How are our kids going to know how to pray if they never see Mom or Dad talking to the Lord?

Serving. I would venture to say that moms reading this last one just let out an audible scoff because if anyone knows anything about serving, it's moms. Serving is what we do from the minute we wake up in the morning, until the moment we lay our heads down at night - which is not a break because we are still "on call" and especially if there is a little baby who requires nightly feedings. Many days "serving yourself" means going to the bathroom alone while your littles are napping - if you're lucky. But take heart because you are in company! Mark 10:45 says, "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a random for many." So the way I see it, we are already mimicking our Lord by serving our families; however, many of us - myself included - just need a little attitude adjustment. 

Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." I don't know about you but I often feel like my kids are my human masters, so instead of begrudgingly completing a task - which I often do - I need to think about how I am completing that task for the Lord. When I am folding laundry, I need to think about how I have working arms to fold laundry and be grateful for the clean clothes that I can put on my family's backs and put a smile in my heart as I fold laundry for the Lord. When I am unloading the dishwasher, I need to think about how those dishes held food that fed my family and be thankful that I don't know what true hunger is and I need to put a smile in my heart as I put away the dishes for the Lord. When I am changing a diaper, I need to be grateful that my kids' bodies are working properly and I don't have to spend time in hospitals because they are healthy. I need to be grateful that I can afford diapers and that I can be the one changing their diaper and not someone at a daycare facility. I need to put a smile in my heart and change those poopy diapers for the Lord! I know it seems silly, but I have done this and I am telling you, it not only make the task more pleasant I know it pleases the Lord to know that we are using our abilities to glorify him even with something mundane.

Now that we have delved into love, let's talk about how we can apply what we have learned to our parenting and to our kids.


This week's parent goal: To consciously love on your kids each day.
1. What can you do to intentionally spend quality time with each of your kids?

Maybe mornings are your best time and you can read Clifford books in bed with your kids before you start your day. Maybe you have a one-on-one lunch date while the baby is sleeping. Maybe you stagger bedtimes so you can have snuggles while your kids brush their teeth. Figure out what works best for your family and your personalities and get that time in every day. You'll never look back on your life and think, "I wish I held my babies less."

2. Take the time to explain the "why" of the discipline consequence.

When I was a kid, I always hated when grown ups would answer my "why's" with "Because I said so!" Would you accept that answer if your boss/neighbor/friend said that to you? No, so why do we expect our kids to be pacified with that answer? Explaining a consequence takes more time and patience, but it shows the child that you care about them, not about your power over them. It is also important to note that the timing of this conversation is crucial. When Zachary hits me and I put him in time out, while he is screaming in anger is not a good time to explain that hitting hurts Mommy and it is not how we solve problems. I wait until he is calm so he can actually listen to my words.

3. Model forgiveness.

If our children don't see us forgiving, they will not be inclined to forgive either. A great opportunity to model forgiveness is after you have explained the "why" of the discipline consequence. That is generally when I tell Zachary that I love him and I forgive him. After I give him a hug and we go on with our day, I don't continue to hold his past poor judgement over his head. That will only teach him that I haven't forgiven him, which will in turn teach him that he can't trust my words. I want to be more like that mom who said, "I have already forgiven you" because that is how Jesus answers us when we repent. Let's do the same to our kids.

4. Let your kids play a more active role in prayer times.

When we pray, we always ask Zachary who he wants to pray and he will choose someone. Then we ask him what he wants to pray for. His prayer requests are generally the same everyday: Dada, Aunt Worwah, Eric, Trish-AH, Brucie-Bruce (and then he often goes back and repeats everyone in case I forgot) Then when he is ready, he closes his eyes and prepares his heart for prayer. My heart melts every single time we pray and we do so quite often throughout the day. I think he likes to pray because first of all, he saw Troy and I pray before he could talk and secondly, because he is a participant of the prayer. Ask your kids who should pray, or take turns. Make it fun and do a popcorn prayer where whoever is praying, when finished says "Popcorn, Dad!" now it is Dad's turn to pray. Teach you kids early that talking to the Lord is a vital part of our daily routine.

5. Fold your clothes for the Lord!

Remember that the Lord blessed you with special abilities that are unique to you. When you are completing a task think about how you can be grateful for what you are doing and put a smile in your heart and do it for the Lord.

This week's application for kids:

1. Blessing your kiddos.
A friend told me about a great book by Mary Ruth Swope called The Power of Blessing Your Children. In her forward she explains why she wrote this book of blessings. Her last paragraph says this:

                  "We can expect God to do great and marvelous deeds when we call forth the promises of   His Word for our loved one. As you bless your children in the name of the Lord, you will see God fill their lives with good things and bring full salvation even to your children's children. (See Psalm 102:17-18)"

Use this blessing Swope wrote about love on your kids this week.

"In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless you with the will to love God with all your heart and with the ability to do so all the days of your life.

I also bless you with a deep desire to love both your parents with true affection for as long as you live. Loving God first and your parents next will undoubtedly lead to your loving yourself and your neighbors as yourself. I bless you with this kinds of love.

I bless you with the understanding to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you. I flood you with the knowledge of how precious you are to God, to your family and to your friends."

2. Try an activity that explains love to your kids.

Zachary is only two and Sadie is three months, so I needed something that wasn't going to take a lot of preparation or create a huge mess that would be overwhelming. I took a piece of red construction

A quick activity that is a good visual on love.

paper and cut out a large heart. I asked Zachary what it was and he smiled and attempted to say the shape name. I told him that a heart is a symbol of love and I told him that Mama loves him very much. Then I got out a marker and told him some of the things that I loved about him and wrote them on the heart. I hung the heart up on the bulletin board in our kitchen as a reminder. Then I told Zachary that Jesus loves all these things about him too, and much much more! Try something with your kids that is a visual reminder of how much you love them and how much more God loves them.

3. Weekly Scripture Challenge

Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week. Encourage your children to do so too!

"Love one another as I have loved you."

John 13:34

Be sure to share your experiences with this topic. What did you learn about yourself/your kids/the Lord? What activities did you do with your kids to teach them about love? I would love to hear them!

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Welp, we did it. Troy and I became parents. Zachary Troy was born at 3:33PM on May 30, 2013 and he shares a birthday with his Grandpa Paul who turned 60 that same day. I will be using this post to shamefully share pictures of our handsome little boy. This week, he had his three month birthday and I feel like I have learned so much since pre-parenting days and I thought I would bestow some of that wisdom onto you.

There are so many things that I thought I knew going into this whole child-rearing thing that turned out to be utterly wrong. When my mom came to stay with us to help Troy and me, we laughed about all the things I told my mom while I was pregnant. She said she would get off the phone after hearing how I was going to do things, and tell my dad about how I was just going to have to figure it out the hard way. What a nice mom for doing it that way and not laughing in my face! Seriously, she totally deserves a gold sticker for everything she did for Troy, Zachary and I while she was here. Which brings me to my first lesson learned:

1. I needed my mommy. Before Zachary was born, Troy and I decided that my mom would only come for a week. After all, babies are small. All they do is eat, poop and sleep. We can handle it. My mom thought that we would need her for two weeks, but we knew better. So we made the arrangements with my parents for my mom to stay with us for a week and that was the plan. As that week started to come to an end, my mom called my dad to figure out when he would come to pick her up and I started to get panic attacks. Finally in a fit of tears, I asked - nay, begged - Troy to allow my mom to stay another week, to which of course, he said yes. My mom was very gracious and glad to stay another week. There were still plenty of tears when we had to part though and I continued to call her with questions.

 

This sweet boy loved to sleep during the day, not the night.

2. The first night home is like pulling an all-nighter in college, but the test date never comes. When we were in the hospital, Troy and I took advantage of the nursery. Every three hours, the nurse would wheel in our beautiful baby to eat and then I would ring the call button and the nurse would bring the baby back to the nursery and I would sleep until the next feeding. When we got home, we spent our first night alone. Both of our parents were still in hotels for the weekend and Troy and I figured we could handle things for a night. WRONG. That sweet, adorable, little baby didn't want to have anything to do with sleeping while it was dark. He wanted to cry and fed and be held - all-night-long. We ignorantly thought he was blissfully sleeping while in the nursery at the hospital (HA! HA! HA!). We were such fools.

I am super embarrassed by this photo, but I post it for you.

3. I will still look 8 months pregnant when I leave the hospital. This one was a real downer folks. I spit out an 8 pound, 5 ounce baby, and because I was induced and pumped full of liquid, I was actually MORE swollen when I left the hospital than when I got there - which is saying a lot because my feet resembled that of Fat Bastard's from Austin Powers before I even delivered. I have included a picture just so you get the idea. I look at pictures of myself when we brought home Zachary and it's gross. Now some ladies, leave the hospital gracefully with a mild post-preggo-pooch, like Kate Middleton. Some ladies leave the hospital looking how they did in college, like my friend Krista (Krista, I am sure you'll protest, but you looked smokin' hot after giving birth and you should embrace it.) I however, was not in that small group . . . there was nothing small about me.

4. "Exhausted Mom" jokes have a new meaning and will suddenly become cruelly hilarious. I have never experienced true exhaustion before. Let me tell you, it turns you into a crazy person. Straight up, cra-cra. I would sit on the couch and be fine one minute and start bawling for no reason the next. A lot of that has to do with the insane hormones that are raging through your body and the fact that you just performed something short of a miracle - birth, but a lot of that comes from lack of sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and I would hate everyone I knew who was sleeping. My only friend was my sister who works the night shift at her dispatch job at the airport. When I would hear people without children say they are tired, I wanted to punch them in the face. Not figuratively either, but I would literally clench my fist and get a solid foot stance ready.

5. I will inevitably parent in such a way that makes me look like a monster to "someone" "somewhere." Every Thursday night I have a weekly Skype date with my dear friend Becca. Not only is she one of my closest friends, I consider her an emotional and spiritual mentor. She and I are very similar and so I often ask for her advice because most of the time, what she has done is a great option for me. When Zachary was two months old, he was still feeding and sleeping whenever he wanted to, which made scheduling anything impossible. I was Skyping with Becca then and just broke down in tears due to my #4 lesson. She basically gave me a prescription on what I should do to get Zachary on a sleeping schedule, which was very similar to Baby Wise. You know what, it worked like a charm and Zachary slept all night long! Of course, that first night Troy and I were half asleep all night, just waiting to hear an explosion of cries that never came. Baby Wise is controversial because for some parents, they believe that "crying it out" is cruel, but other parents (like myself and Troy) can see the benefits of babies learning how to soothe themselves back to sleep. Regardless of which camp you're in, you will always get flack from someone on the other side, which is unfortunate because let's be honest, if you're a parent, you need all the support you can get, so why can't we all just get along? :)

Reading Z his Baby Bible before bedtime.

6. I needed the Lord . . . more.  I would be leaving out a HUGE lesson if I didn't mention this. When Zachary was born, I became so much more aware of mortality, which is morbid, I know, but it's true. At every feeding I would pray that the Lord would watch over my sweet, little boy and that he would grow up to be happy and healthy, but more importantly, that he would grow up to love the Lord too. I would also pray for myself that I would have the strength to get through the day with my lack of sleep and that my husband would know how much I loved him even though I wasn't able to give him much attention. Some nights, Zachary and I would cry together, not knowing what was wrong with the other person and I would look to the Lord for comfort. Having a baby has proven to be the most challenging thing Troy and I have ever done and together, we have turned to prayer for guidance and support. It gave us peace that cannot be matched. Here are some of my favorite verses that I recited during this time:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."" Mark 6:31

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest in your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

7. My baby is obviously the cutest baby on the planet. When I first saw Zachary for the first time, I loved him immediately and thought he was so cute. Not in the all-babies-are-cute kind of way, but I thought Zachary was so cute that it was obvious to everyone who ever laid eyes on him. People would comment on his cuteness and I wouldn't even be gracious about it, I would just say, "I know!" My mom warned me about this. She said that after I had kids, I would wonder how I ever thought any one else kids were "the cutest." She was right. Zachary is the cutest and I am going to throw down the gauntlet and challenge anyone to show me a cuter baby. I will of course judge Zachary's cuteness with his competitor. I will probably be biased. You will probably lose.

Love this.

Love this, too.

 8. I love my husband more than I thought I could. Here's were it gets a little mushy, friends. I have known Troy forever and if you would have told Little High School Pammy Kohler that she was going to get to marry Troy Carlson, she probably would have done an awkward giggle and started sweating profusely but she definitely wouldn't have believed you. Troy is my very best friend and I am so blessed to be married to him, but after having our son, it has been even more fun to see him in his new role. When I was pregnant, he was very protective of me. I remember getting a lecture on the importance of being careful going up and down our rickety basement steps. After Zachary was born, he would have a glass of water ready for me at every feeding, do all kinds of housework and hug me when I was having a moment of the "baby blues." Since acts of service is my love language, I felt very loved. When I see him with Zachary, it just melts my heart. The other night he read Zachary his bedtime story, and I as I watched my favorite men snuggling close to each other, my eyes started to water. Every night, we take turns praying over Zachary and when it is his turn to pray, my heart gets a little warmer. Basically, what I am trying to say is that Troy was smokin' hot before he was a dad, now he is pretty much exuding a nuclear-like heat. Ow! Ow!

9. What to Expect When You're Expecting should not be used as a syllabus. I read that book like it was the childbirth Bible everyone claims it to be. Each milestone month during my pregnancy, I would bone up on how my baby was growing, what I can expect from my body and doctor's appointments and how to make my husband feel like he is more involved in the process. Then the last chapter was about what I can expect once the baby is born and what the first week will look like. Let me tell you . . . they left A LOT of stuff out. Like how the week after you give birth, you could be one of the lucky ones who is in so much pain that getting in and out of chairs makes tears spring from your eyes. Or how sometimes circumcisions don't "work" and your child will be one of the lucky ones who will have to have his REDONE when he is one. Or how that gross line that runs up your belly will take FOREVER to lose, along with your baby weight. Who am I kidding? When I am pregnant with baby #2, I will read it again.

10. I am still a neat freak, OCD and an A-type personality. This can be seen by the fact that I needed to have an even number of lessons learned in this blog and 10 seemed like a good number. When I was pregnant, people would always tell me that I would change when I became a mother and that I couldn't be as "rigid" as I was before. You could call these people the messy, B-Type personalities who don't understand me anyway. To a certain extent, this is true, however, I am still me and I still like schedules, plans and things in order. Look at it this way, if you were standing at a riverbank and wanted to change the flow of the river, all you would have to do would be to throw a pebble in the river. It would change the flow because where the pebble is now, water once was able to flow freely. The river is still flowing in the same direction, the pebble just made a slight change in the flow. That is how I feel about motherhood. Zachary is my sweet little pebble. He has changed some things, obviously, but the river doesn't suddenly start flowing in the reverse direction, and I haven't changed who I am at my core, which is a neat freak, who has OCD and an A-type personality, I'm just a mom now too.

Even though being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the best. That little boy melts my heart multiple times a day, every day. I love how he has truly made us a family. I know there will be many more lessons to learn as we go.

Love/Hate Relationships

I had three goals for myself for the month of January since I was going to have more free time without any grad classes (Second semester starts in February). The first was to write an exorbitant amount of terribly witty blogs for my undying fans. The second was to sew a new swanky wardrobe with the new sewing machine my parents gave me for Christmas. The third was to get my scrapbook up to date on the vacations that Troy and I took. As you can see this is only my fifth blog for the month. I did take out my sewing machine and read the instruction manual cover to cover, but not even a stitch was sewn. And I did make some progress on the scrapbook, although I am still a whole year behind. So, basically, I am 0 for 3.

January was a month of reflection for me as I reveled in the time sans text books, research papers and lesson plans. I did think a lot about topics to write about for Nonsense. Though many of my ideas are still peculating, I do have one thought that may be refined enough to tide you over. This month I realized that I there are things in life that I love and hate at the same time. I call them, my Love/Hate Relationships.

This idea first came to my mind a couple of weeks ago. I was all snuggled in my warm bed, relaxing under the weight of the blankets and thinking to myself that I am so in love with this moment right now. I let the weight of the day sink into my mattress and rested my head carelessly on my Martha Stewart feather pillow. I realized that this moment would be fleeting. In what would feel like mere minutes, my alarm clock would be calling out to me, forcing me to greet the day. That was when I realized that I loved and hated that moment all at once. I loved how comfortable and quiet it was, but hated how short it would feel when the early morning alarm went off.

My next example takes you down a rabbit hole, but stay with me. I was casually looking at my rear end in the mirror, when I noticed that it didn't look quite so bumpy or gross as I last remembered. I will be honest in telling you that I may have lingered a longer glance than was necessary, but I felt like there was a noticeable difference. I had read in a magazine that if you rub lotion in a circular motion, it helps to reduce the appearance of cellulite. I thought it was a bunch of baloney at first but figured, why not give it a try. Fast forward to my derriér stare. My first thought as I looked in the mirror was, "Hmm, I guess that lotion rubbing really works." I am sure it didn't have anything to do with the endless squats, lunges and miles I have run for the past six months. The next time I was doing my lunges after my epiphany, I found my next Love/Hate Relationship. Squats and lunges. They destroy me. There are mornings that I have a hard time getting out of bed after a lower body workout. But my butt doesn't lie, therefore I also love them.

Reality T.V. has got to be the world's best example of a love/hate relationship. As I am typing, Jersey Shore keeps flashing me and I have a cramp in my neck from craning my head every few minutes to catch a glimpse. Am I slowing lowering my intelligence by watching this program? Most definitely. Will that stop me from finishing the episode? Probably not. Reality T.V. is taking over our minds. Whether you're addicted to the Bachelor, Kate plus 8, Sarah Palin's Alaska or American Idol, you love it. But isn't there a small part of you that also hates it at the same time? While you are sitting on your rump watching the boob-tube, everyday people are being filmed for television. Love/Hate Relationship.

So there you go. Love/Hate Relationships are those things you love and hate at the same time. You're welcome for that. Post your own Love/Hate Relationships. If you wanna . . . or don't. I'll probably Love/Hate them.