The Baby Spa

Apparently babies need a lot of stuff. Not that I would know first hand, but I am assuming this from the baby "necessities" that Target sells. Before my friends had children, I would walk down these isles because I knew I wouldn't buy anything. There I would find a plethora of pacifiers, diapers, burp cloths, car seats, pack and plays, etc, with each brand claiming to be the best for your baby. Most of the time, I would get overwhelmed and wander over to the book section. On my way out of the baby labyrinth, I would think to myself, when Troy and I have children, how on earth will we know what we need?! Now that I have gotten used to the idea of my peers procreating, I don't think that babies don't really need all that crap, except for maybe the car seat. That seems important, although a roll of duct tape seems cheaper.

I found out a few weeks ago that my friend, Ashley is pregnant. She is a fellow blog fan who enjoyed the post I wrote on the family stick figures people put on their car. She and our friend, Joanna have even taken pictures of the Baby on Board signs and sent them to me as a cruel joke, that I always find to be hilarious. Though it went against every fiber in my being, I will do almost anything to get a laugh, so Joanna and I decided to get her a Baby on Board window cling and a package of family stick figures to celebrate her little zygote.

Baby's R Us seemed like a good place to look for the Baby on Board sign, so I went there. (By the way, I never realized how completely ridiculous the name "Baby's R Us" is until I typed it.) I walked into this monstrous store reserved for all things baby and almost had a panic attack. Thankfully I found the newborn section before any hyperventilating set in. I found the Baby on Board sign without too much trouble. It was hard to miss since there was an entire isle designated for "baby safety," complete with mirrors that Mom or Dad can hang up all over the car so that they can always see when the baby barfs on the bib that says, "That's it, I'm calling Grandma!"

I perused a few of the isles to see what other crap new parents "needed" for their infants when I got to the Personal Care isle. This isle mostly housed bath tubs, which I will say is somewhat of a need, especially when infants can't hold their heads up on their own yet for you to just plop them in the sink for their baths. Most of the tubs where made of plastic and they were in a variety of colors. Then I saw it. I stopped dead in my tracks and read the packaging a second time to make sure I understood what they were selling. When I realized it was true, my mouth fell open. It was a Baby Spa, complete with jets and a sprayer head and it cost over fifty dollars. I openly shook my head in disgust at it.

In case you want to purchase one of these, it is called Lil' Luxuries Whirlpool, Bubbling Spa & Shower, (what a classy name) and if I find out you have one, our friendship may be pending. I decided right then that I was done looking around and supporting this conglomerate, so I left. I felt like I needed to process what I just saw so I called my sister and when it went straight to voice mail, I told her was I saw as though I were actually talking to her and not a vast abyss that was recording my story. I felt a little better.

Do today's parents really need all these gadgets? My great grandmother was born in a log cabin. As I was staring at the Baby Spa, I was wondering what her mother would have to say about all this stuff. I am well aware that I don't have children of my own and while I completely detest the "you'll understand when you have kids" cliche (also known as the futuristic "I told you so") I still have a hard time believing that we will need all that junk.

Now, we could buy that Baby Spa, or we could invest that money and compounded over the years, be able to send our kids to college. Sorry kids, your dad and I thought you needed a luxurious bath when you were so young you couldn't remember the soothing nature of the jets, so now we can't send you to college. Good luck at your Starbucks interview! Although if we forgo the car seats and go with the duct tape, maybe our kids can have their cake and eat it too. It's definitely something to look into.

Family Stick Figures

If you know my dad at all, you would know that saying he is a car buff would be an understatement. I grew up with my dad giving my sister and I basic "rules" for our cars. Number one, wash your car regularly. Number two, check your oil often. Number three, NEVER put stickers on your car. I will be honest, rules number one and two were not always on my radar. **Side Note: I hate checking my oil and would only do it when I got the 'Dad-Look.' Now that I live on my own, I don't even know the last time I personally checked my oil. Eek!** However, rule number three has always stuck with me. I would MAYBE put one sticker on my car if I thought it was super cool and worthy enough to break my rule. I feel the same way about tattoos. Needless to say I do not have a sticker on my car nor do I have a tattoo. It might be a fear of commitment of ink . . . that might be another blog topic.

Getting back to the issue at hand, I think in general bumper stickers devalue your car. It's a personal opinion . . . not to be confused with my personal taboo facts; i.e. socks with sandals, ketchup on hotdogs, etc. Lately Troy and I have been noticing the family stick figure stickers, generally on mini vans and the giant SUVs that scream, "I will plow you over if you make me late for my kid's soccer game." I am sure you've seen them. They are ridiculous. As if the bumper sticker that said, "My kid's on the Honor Roll at Orland Jr High School" wasn't geeky enough, the bumper sticker companies decided to up the ante. They have become more versatile now, too. I have seen sea turtles, smilie faces, even flip flops depicting each member of the family. Sometimes you'll even get their surname underneath. Giant white letters, letting you know who you can call by name should you decided to chuck water balloons at their car. "Take this middle, sized girl in the Smith Family!"

You can also get them custom designed so you can share with the perfect strangers you are driving past, some of your favorite hobbies. "Hmm, I see that the oldest Miller boy in that Dodge Caravan is interested in skiing. Wow, I will never get those five seconds back that I wasted thinking about that." Anyone who has a pet will know that you can't leave them out of the family equation, so you can choose your furry or slimy creature who has touched your heart - alive or dead, yes, I'm serious. Anything from the family favorite Fido to ferrets, hedgehogs and goats can be added as a decal. Which brings me to another question, who the heck has a hedgehog for a pet? Or a goat for that matter? So many comments, so little Google gigabytes to collect them.

I decided to look into designing a decal for my family. I made Troy a super hero because it's awesome and I think he would look great in a cape. I made me a hula dancer because I rock at the hula and then of course I had to add Olivia and Molly. I also wanted to include our beloved goldfish, McCain, may he rest in peace due to a stressful evening where my friend, Becca may have been the cause of his demise. The best part was designing the figures and I have to say, that was mildly amusing, but I am certainly not going to cough up the $38.75 plus shipping and handling to become another lame-o on the road with an overpriced sticker.

All this to say, when I see you driving down the road with your stick family plastered to your rear window, you should know I am making fun of you . . . openly. Does this make me a better person? Absolutely not. But it does help to build up my endorphins and is amusing for me. Just know when you order those stick figure stickers, baby on board signs, honor roll awareness stickers, etc, and stick them on your car, you are a heartbeat away from wearing white Keds, a jean skirt and a fanny pack, driving around in a mini van. If that isn't enough to snap you back to reality, heaven help you, it may be too late.