Christmas can make you do funny things when you're a parent. No other time during the year will people drive to the mall, put their beloved children on a stranger's lap and take a picture of their kiddos with a man who hasn't shaved since 1975 and wears his red, fuzzy pajamas all day. Parents love to see the reactions of their kids when they meet Santa and Troy and I were no exception. We knew we had to document Zachary's first Christmas with a trip to see ole' St. Nick. We decided to wait until we went home to Chicago and take him to Orland Square Mall where we had gone as kids to see Santa. We dressed him up all cute, bundled him up against the cold and headed to the retail mecca of my hometown. We looked on the lower level of the mall where Santa had always been in years past but we couldn't find him. Troy thought we should look upstairs and lo and behold, there he was in all his wonder. I was relieved because by this point, I am sweating up a storm since I was wearing my Ugg boots, my winter coat, I was holding a 6 month old who was as equally bundled up and then hoofing it all over the mall. I breathed a sigh of relief as I commented that the line was short. We would be able to get in and get out and then go grab some lunch. That's when I had my movie moment.
Remember in the movie The Christmas Story, when Ralphie and his brother go and visit Santa and the "little helpers" are anything but helpful? They grab kids by their arms, shove them on Santa and then heave them down the slide. Or how about in the movie Elf when Zoey Deschanel's character acts like Ben Stein in a green mini dress? Look, I understand that these mall jobs are not exactly what these people probably had in mind for their lives. I don't know of anyone who dreams of being a mall elf. I am sure they are just trying to pick up some odd jobs to pay for school or rent, but can't they be a little more cheerful? While this may not be their dream job, they are interacting with children who are excited to see Santa.
My movie moment was somewhat similar to what I have described although this mall Santa didn't push Zachary down a slide with his boot. After seeing the short line and mentioning to Troy my great relief while pitting out from heat exhaustion, Santa's little helper turned to me. With a pimply straight face and a monotone voice she said, "Actually this is the last family that Santa is going to see right now. In 15 minutes he is going to take an hour break to go feed his reindeer."
She actually said that to us.
I was so hot and hungry and Zachary's window of opportunity was quickly closing. If we waited an hour and 15 minutes for Santa to "feed his reindeer" we would have a meltdown on our hands, and Zachary would probably pitch a fit too. So, we opted to come back the following day, Christmas Eve.
After thinking about the mall elf, I figured there were two ways I could have approached this young woman. My first thought was to ask her to talk to me like an adult and just tell me that Santa was going to go out by the Sears entrance and have his ciggy break and hit of whiskey off his flask. The second option was suggested by our friend Tim, who said I should have played along and gotten really excited about the reindeer and asked if I could help feed them. Oh man, how I loved that idea. I wish I had the guts to do that. There is no way I could get through that without laughing, but if I could it would have been glorious.
As it turned out, we did get pictures with Santa. We thought Zachary would cry because he is going through an I-only-want-my-mommy-and-daddy phase, but he was so mesmerized by Kris Kringle's beard that it turned out great. He eventually smiled for the camera and Troy and I were suckered into buying the cheapest photo package they had - which we accidentally left at my parents house. Then 30 seconds after we got Zachary off Santa's lap, he spit up all down his outfit.
So, all in all, it would say it was a big success even with the grumpy mall elves.
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