Faithfulness

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22

This post is the hardest one I have had to write so far because I am about to get real with you - like brutally honest and somewhat embarrassed to be admitting all of this - real with you. The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me with this last week completely knocking me to my knees. I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. As a mother, I had zero patience with Zachary and Sadie. Their needs felt like boxes on my "to do" list. I would groan when Zachary would want to be held while I was nursing Sadie or when Sadie would cry while I tried to eat dinner. As a wife, I realized that I was creating a contractual marriage instead of a covenanted marriage. My husband has started to become my roommate and instead of focusing on all that he does for our family, I was focusing on what he wasn't doing for me. As a woman, I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and lamented about how this was the best I could do. All around, I was selfish with my husband and children. I wanted to know who was going to take care of me? When was I going to get doted on? When was it my turn to have fun or relax? As a writer, I was prideful about my blog posts. I judged my "success" of them by how many post viewings I had. Or I worried that people would think that I was a crazy religious zealot. I cried often, feeling like I was stuck in my own prison of self-pity. In my despair, I was unable to act on the parent goals that I had written about during this series.

I wasn't completing tasks with joy or looking for joy in my trials.

I wasn't stopping in my tracks to pray.

I wasn't practicing gratitude.

I wasn't letting go of worry.

I wasn't practicing patience.

I wasn't forgiving.

I realized that I was feeling such despair because of two people; "The Doer" and "The Creeper." The first person who was destroying my joy was "The Doer," who was . . . . me. I am a control freak. I think that I know what works best for me and my family and so I juggle everything by myself. I can't let Troy -or anyone else- help me because it won't get done the way I would do it. I hate asking for help because it means I can't do something. I hate asking for help because I am worried that I will be met with an excuse. I hate asking for help because I feel guilty that someone is doing something that I am physically capable of doing. So instead of reaching out to someone, I add it to my pile of stuff and make it work - and it does work, for a short amount of time. But then I become an enabler to all of those around me. They see me juggling just fine on my own so the offer to help is non-existent, which fuels my stress and the attitude I take on as a martyr.

The second person who was beating me down was "The Creeper." The Creeper is the one who tells you that you can't do something that you know you should. There are times when each of us are called by God to do something to further his kingdom. Maybe you were called to be brave and reach out to someone you didn't know. Maybe you were called to give a substantial amount of time to a cause. Or maybe you were called to write a bunch of blogs about how to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. The point is that when we are obedient to the Lord, we become a target for evil. Satan wants nothing more than to derail us from sharing God's love. My friend, Becca calls Satan "The Creeper" because he slowly creeps in and whispers things like,  

"Your kids are so needy. Just yell at them and then ignore them. You should make Zachary feel guilty for hitting you. Those kids shouldn't get to play with you. You're much too busy with more important things. Who else is going to get the laundry done, the kitchen cleaned and dinner on the table? You are totally unappreciated."

"Wow, it must be so nice for your husband to be sitting there without any kids to care for. What does he know about "work"? You're the one who deserves a break. Don't bother serving him until he serves you."

"How's the blog coming along? I wonder how many people read it? Oh wow, that post didn't get many viewings - people are probably getting tired of all your "God talk." You're not going to keep writing about God are you? You know that all your non-Christian friends are going to unfollow you on Facebook because you keep posting this propaganda. I can name five people off the top of my head who think you're a Bible thumper."

"Geeze, have you looked in a mirror today? You look like a hot mess. You probably won't ever lose all that fat around your belly. Your kids totally ruined your body. Remember when you used to be firm? Well, it's not like you were ever that firm, but you definitely looked better before kids. Why can't you look more like so-and-so who can wear a bikini? She always looks so put together with stylish clothes and beautiful hair. She has THREE kids and you only have TWO, so what is your excuse? You look frumpy in everything you put on. Could you at least put a little eye-liner on? There is no way your husband wants to be intimate with you looking like this. You're lucky you had him for this long."

I heard The Creeper say all of these disgusting lies to me. Many times a day. Most nights, I would cry in the shower and hope that tomorrow would be better, but it only got worse. The Creeper knows your innermost insecurities. He knows the buttons to press to send you deeper and deeper into the pit of despair where he hopes to slowly destroy you, your family and - most importantly - your relationship with God. The Creeper comes in and gives you a plethora of excuses as to why you can't fulfill God's purpose in your life.

I know, without a doubt, that my purpose right now, is to raise our children to love the Lord. In doing so, they need to see their parents love them in a way that reflects the love of Christ and they need to see what a God-centered marriage looks like. That means that another purpose for my life is to love, honor and respect Troy. I have also been given a purpose to use my passion for writing to encourage mothers who may feel like I do. These are all very important tasks that the Lord has given me and so of course Satan is going to attack me on all these accounts. I am listening to what my Heavenly Father is telling me to do and that threatens Satan. He likes to tell us that we aren't good enough to be of use to God, but even he knows that is a lie. We are empowered, gifted and prompted by the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit who encompasses all the fruits we are studying; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. God sees us as precious and valuable.

Something needed to change and quickly. The whole time I kept looking to Troy to try and fix me but  he didn't know what going on in my head - which is something that I do often. I want my husband just to take care of the problem, but unless I communicate that problem, my man can't help. I couldn't let my joy be robbed anymore. I sat down and talked with Troy. Well, I really more sobbed at him. I am surprised he was able to understand everything I was saying through my tears (it was actually ugly bawling). I told him that I was sorry for my selfishness and for trying to do everything by myself. I told him I was going to start asking for help (which he has been telling me to do for a while now) and I already had a few things that I needed him to do:

1. I need Troy to pray for me EVERY DAY.   Being a mom is super hard which Troy (and all of you) will definitely attest too. I need to know that my life partner is supporting me through prayer every day so that when the morning takes a turn for the worse with a sudden toddler temper tantrum combined with a baby blow out diaper, I know that I am covered in prayer. I also need to be praying for Troy everyday so when he is stressed at work he knows that he is covered in prayer.

2. I need Troy and I to pray together EVERY DAY.   During the toughest times in our marriage, we have prayed out loud together, but once things went back to easy living, we stopped. I need to be praying with my husband everyday about things that are specific to our marriage, our parenting and our struggles.

3. I need to have quality family time.   This means that while the kids are awake, NO PHONES. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Pinterest. No surfing the web or playing games. We can answer calls or send and receive texts but anything else needs to be done during a nap time or after bed time. We have already seen our first baby turn into a two year old in what seemed like overnight. I know that kids grow fast. I don't want us to miss anything and our phones are overpowering and destroying our family time. When Troy was on his phone, I would feel lonely and isolated even when he was home because he wasn't there mentally. Or when I was on my phone, I was missing out on sweet Sadie's gummy smiles or Zachary's new learned skills because I was checking my Twitter feed. It was gross and it had to stop.

After I bawled my eyes out, Troy held me for a very long time and as I calmed down, I realized that I felt better because now it was out in the open. Now my issues could start to be resolved. Now my hurts could start to be healed. As Troy hugged me, I thought about how his faithfulness to me as his wife was much like that of the Lord's faithfulness to me as His daughter. Even though I let The Doer and The Creeper come in and start to destroy the blessings and purposes that God gave me, the Lord never left me. Even though I felt helpless and alone, the Lord was always with me. And when I repented, He opened his arms even wider to me. God is always and forever faithful to us. Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." I love that visual.

My only goal in this life is to live in a way that when I meet my Creator in Heaven, he tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" (Matthew 25:21) In order to be faithful to my Lord, I need to respond to his calling. And when I respond to his calling, I need to prepare myself for attacks from the evil one. And when The Creeper creeps in, I need to resist him, repent and turn my eyes back to the Lord, who is always faithful.

Weekly Parent Goals:

**This week, these goals are specific to me. As you can see from above, I have a lot of homework to do to dig myself out of the pit of self-pity. These goals are going to take much longer than a week. They are going to take a lifetime to work on as the ebb and flow of joy and brokenness wage through my life. Of course the Holy Spirit will speak into your heart if any of these goals resonate with your God given purpose.**

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to control my mind and create a clean heart.

Romans is probably the most underlined books in my Bible. In chapter one, we learn that the Holy Spirit convicts cleanly. He doesn't use crushing words of shame. If we are feeling guilty, we need to know that it is not from the Lord. Guilt is not a motivational tool used by the Lord because it undermines grace. When I start to find myself sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of despair, I need to ask the Lord to control my mind so that I am only thinking thoughts of the Lord. With that, I also need to ask the Lord to hit my restart button on my heart. My friend gave me a verse to meditate on while I was wallowing in my self pity. Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." This verse has been my reminder to ask the Lord to get rid of the filth and guilt and selfishness that I have carried in my heart and regain the joy that I have in knowing that I am a part of my Creator's family. This has been a very hard task for me to work on. Bitterness is ugly and it takes root on your heart and holds on tight. I have been reciting this verse many times, daily.

2. Have a marriage that reflects a covenant, not a contract.

Laura and Eric

We went to visit my sister and her husband over the fourth of July. I love watching how Laura and Eric interact. The word I would use to describe their marriage is 'thoughtful.' I told Eric over the weekend that he reminded me of my Pepa because he used to treat my grandma like a queen and Eric does that for Laura. Eric tried to scoff off the complement by saying that he is actually selfish because he just wants people to do the stuff for him that he does for others. But that is actually very far from selfish. One of the commands that Jesus made in the Sermon on the Mound was "Do to others as you would have done to you" (Luke 6:31). So all this time that I was bemoaning what Troy wasn't doing for me, I should have been doing those things for him. This means that if I want Troy to rub my feet more, I need to start rubbing his feet. If I want Troy to hug me more, I need to hug him more. If I want Troy to do sweet things for me more, I need to do sweet things for him. I was "keeping score" in our marriage.  Troy is the best thing that ever happened to me. Why on earth would I stoop so low as to keep score and possibly ruin one of God's greatest blessings to me? I love Troy but love is an action which means that I have to choose to do it. So my life's goal is love on Troy first . Do things for him first. Rub his feet first. (He is going to remind me of these foot rubs after reading this post!) Hug him first. Love him first.

3. Ask for help. 

We were not meant to do life alone. God created Eve for Adam because "it was not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). This is because we are supposed to help each other. I need to get over whatever baggage I have when it come to asking for help and just do it. I need to let go of the control issues I have and accept that when someone helps me, it will be different than how I would do it, and that's okay. More than that, I need to celebrate those moments when I actually have the courage to ask for help - even if the response is not what I was hoping for. Asking for help shows that we are aware of our limitations - which is good. We aren't meant to do it all.

This week's application for kids:

1. Blessing your kiddos.

Mary Ruth Swope wrote a book called The Power of Blessing Your Children. The book contains many blessings that you can read to your children. In her forward she writes about the power of blessing our children and that this power helps us to live successful lives for the Lord. She writes "We cannot allow Satan to rob us of this wonderful privilege." Of the many blessings she has listed in her book, there is one on faith, but I wanted to make this blessing more personal to the story I shared, so I wrote my own blessing this week on faithfulness. 

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless with you with the ability to clearly know God's purpose for your life and the obedience to follow through with it. I bless you with the power to ignore Satan's desire to rob you of your joy and derail you from the Lord's plans. 

I bless you with the knowledge of God's undying faithfulness for you and know that he will never leave you of forsake you. I bless you with the love of the Lord and to show your faithfulness to Him.

2. Weekly Scripture Challenge.
Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus for the week and encourage your children to learn this verse too!

 "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

Psalms 36:5 

**I realize that this post was unlike the other fruits of the Spirit posts. I did not go into great detail on what the Bible says about faithfulness. I did not include an activity to teach faithfulness to our children. I certainly did not keep this post short and simple. What I did do was write with brutal honesty on how God is faithful to me (and everyone) even though we screw up.  I felt it was more important for you to know that I do not have all the answers and that I fail on a daily basis. I felt that this post was better spent sharing my struggles as I attempt to parent with the fruits of the Spirit. I also feel like living our purposes given to us by God is a life-long lesson in showing our children our faithfulness to the Lord and his faithfulness to us. Thank you for your understanding and hopefully kind and nonjudgmental thoughts.**

Grace

I have a wet spot on my jeans that is either breast milk, spit up or pee. I just folded a clean shirt that has a stain on the stomach from when my toddler wiped his clementine juice on me and the acid bleached the color. The top of the same shirt has a barbacoa juice stain from when I tried to eat a taco while nursing my infant. (That stain was worth it.) I have worn my hair in a messy bun for I don't even know how many days and I am drinking another cup of coffee because my morning caffeine and adrenaline rush has left me wondering how I am going to do this again after the best time of the day - Nap Time.

My babies, discussing who will have a melt down first.

Everyone has heard the phrase that being a parent is hard work, but nobody really knows what "hard" means until those little ones belong to you. My son, Zachary will be two the end of May but he started his terrible twos about two weeks before my daughter Sadie was born in the beginning of March. That's right, I have two children under the age of two years. The past six weeks, all I have been able to think about is how I wish I knew how easy I really had it when I was only parenting one child; and how I can win an all expense paid trip to a Sandals Resort. When Troy is home, we can each take a kid but while my husband is vacationing (this is his term for working), I am struggling with a zone defense with two little ones who I swear are working together to ensure that I never eat, go to the bathroom or shower.

Being a parent is something that I am certain is a purpose for my life. I take this job very seriously because Troy and I are raising Zachary and Sadie to love the Lord and do amazing things for Him when they grow up. However, being that this is such an important job, the stakes are higher so the fails can feel stronger. With Sadie being my second, I wanted to try some things differently this time around. One of them being that I wanted her to sleep in her own room sooner than we did with Zachary. We had been having her sleep in a Rock and Play which is great because it feels like a hug and is more comforting to infants as opposed to the straight and flat crib. The first night I tried to get her to sleep in her crib was an epic fail. She and I were up until 4 am, battling this out. I would lay her down, trudge back to my room and the moment I laid down, she would start crying again. I can remember standing at her changing table, bawling and hearing a loud voice telling me that I was a failure. I couldn't even get my baby to sleep in a bed that was made for babies. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. With tears streaming down my face, I wondered how I would be able to tackle bigger issues if I can't even get Sadie to sleep in her bed. Then, I heard a softer, gentler voice that somehow overlapped the obtrusive negative one and I heard, "Pam, you're tired and you need rest. Put Sadie back in the Rock and Play tonight and try again tomorrow. Give yourself some grace."

Grace.

How many of us need to be reminded to give ourselves some grace? I need this reminder daily, if not every hour. We are not meant to have all the answers and we are going to screw up on a daily basis, but we have a parent who is the Ultimate Father and He is going to help us get through our troubles so there is no need to worry about whether or not I can get Sadie to sleep in her crib or anything else for that matter. Worrying is counterproductive and a waste of time. Matthew 6:26-27 says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Who of you can add a single hour to his life by worrying?" Did you read that right? You are valuable in the Lord's eyes. Valuable. He is going to take care of us because He loves us.

A few nights after I was reminded to give myself grace, I found myself at Sadie's crib again. I had just spent the whole day dealing with a toddler who throws a hissy fit if I give him the red spoon instead of the green one. I had snapped, sassed and even spanked Zachary that day. I cried when my kids cried and I was a hot mess, on the inside and out. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the week, let alone the rest of their lives. As I held my sleeping daughter in my arms and listened to her rhythmic breathing, I offered up a prayer as honest and raw as I was at that moment. I simply told the Lord that I understood that my purpose was to raise these babies and that I didn't expect Him to make my days easier. I know the Lord isn't a genie; if He made things easy, then Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross. He does things because we are supposed to learn from our experiences or come along others with an empathetic point of view having lived them. But I was screwing things up. I was not being a good parent, spouse, or person and I did not want to do life this way. I simply asked that He equip me for this role. I needed more patience, more love and more wisdom. 

The next day looked exactly like the one previous. Zachary threw himself on the floor because I didn't understand that he wanted to watch Dinosaur Train and not Sesame Street. Sadie had a blow out and vomited at the same time, going through her second outfit of the day. Troy came home from work late and I smelled like rotten breast milk and body odor, but the day felt different. I felt different. I knew the Lord had answered my prayers. I felt him equipping me for my role. I was able to speak to Zachary with more patience. I was empathetic to Sadie's cries. I was grateful for a husband who provides so well for our family.

I am not saying that I am no longer a hot mess. For example, today was a hard day. I had to write this blog in stages because Zachary decided that he only wanted to take an hour nap today. As I write this, I have hunkered down in our den and closed the doors to hide away and do something grown up and for myself for the first time in days. My days aren't easier and I don't always feel strong enough to get through the day without tears, but I know that the Lord is working within me. My grandpa always wrote Bible verses on index cards to study. One of my favorite cards has the following verse, Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with the righthand of my righteousness." Good grief, thank goodness for that! Because I need strength and I need help. Can I get an Amen?!

So, if there are any mamas out there who are crying in the middle of the night - or heck, in the middle of the day - and wonder how you will survive, take heart. You are not alone. God comforts us with strength by adding to our resources. His way is not to widdle down the problem but to build up the ability to cope with it. Basically, He has your back. Ask Him to equip you for your role as a parent. He loves you and will help you. 

Just remember to give yourself some grace.