Bravely Stepping into the Role God Has Planned for You

My son, Zachary, is two and half years old and has recently discovered the movie, The Incredibles. “Mommy! Dada! Snuggle and watch Incredibles?” is what we hear almost every day.  Zachary loves to watch this super hero family because they are the good guys, they save the world, and they are brave. Brave. Sometimes this is a word that we would only use to describe our super hero cartoons. Maybe we would use it to describe someone who puts their life on the line like those in the military, law enforcement or firefighters. Brave might be a descriptor for those who are persecuted, grieving a loved one or fighting cancer. Brave is not always a word we would use to label ourselves in everyday life; however, brave is exactly what we are called to be. Today, we are going to debunk three myths[1] that many of us wrestle with when it comes to stepping into our roles God has planned for us.

Myth #1: I am not good enough.

Oh my, how I have said this to myself so many times. After my son was born, I had a hard time believing that I could make a difference, especially when it came to kingdom work. After all I was “just a stay at home mom” and it was challenging enough just keeping my clothes free from breastmilk, spit-up and that nasty baby poop that smells like sour Greek yogurt. I would image that God’s heart breaks when he sees us feel this way about ourselves. He dearly loves us. He designed us and sustains us so of course we are good enough, but sometimes we have a hard time accepting this truth.  Moses – spoiler alert - wasn’t a mom, but he felt this way too. When God told him to lead His people out of Egypt, Moses actually said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) God straight up tells Moses what his purpose is, and Moses decides to tell the All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Creator of the universe that he is going to take a hard pass. But our patient Father knew that Moses was nervous – after all, He knit Moses in his mother’s womb[2], so God tells Moses, “I will be with you.” (Exodus 3:12) What can we take from Moses self-doubt? We are absolutely equipped to fulfill the purpose that God has planned for us because HE planned it for US. We ARE good enough.

Myth #2: I am not strong enough.

Everyone is wired with a defense mechanism when we are in trouble. It is called ‘flight or fight.’ When those hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you know something funky is about to go down, you either clench your fists and stand your ground, or you road-runner your rear out of there. I am a flighter, not a fighter. Sometimes this is a good thing, a more safe choice. Other times it means not standing up for what is right which makes me responsible for the wrong. I want to do what is right, but I think that I am just not strong enough. What can I do? Gideon felt this way too. After Moses listened to God’s calling and realized he was good enough, he led the Israelites out of Egypt. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before this people group forgot about how God answered their prayers and delivered them from slavery. They started whining about not getting to their destination quick enough and decided to worship fake gods, which did not sit well with THE God. God figured that since the Israelites didn’t need Him, He would hand them over to a group of people called the Midianites. These people were trouble. They ransacked camps, crops and livestock. The Israelites decided that they needed God again and pleaded with Him to save them….again. God chose Gideon to save the people from the Midianites; however, Gideon gives the Lord the “but God, I am not strong enough” spiel. “How can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest and I am the least in my family.” (Judges 6:15) Once again, our patient Father knew that Gideon was scared, because He created Gideon too, so God tells him, “I will be with you.” (Judges 6:16) We were wired to do the job that God calls us to do because God created us. He knows what we can accomplish because He made us. We ARE strong enough because HE planned it for US.

Myth #3: I am not grace-filled enough.

Pride is a sneaky thing. It tells us that we are better than our neighbor because our kids are better-behaved. Pride allows us to look down on others who don’t have as high of an education as we do. Pride gives us permission to deem what others “deserve.” Pride is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Moms play a part in this ugliness. I have seen (and sometimes, shamefully been a part of) quips on social media about stances on breastfeeding, vaccinations, schooling, discipline, etc. Sometimes we think that we are “helping” others by sharing what we do, but what we are doing is throwing our pride around and making it look like we are extending grace, but that is the last thing we are actually doing. Jonah struggled with this too. Yep, that guy that got swallowed by a whale. He chose not to follow God’s calling for his life, and his reason was pride. God told Jonah to go to Nineveh to preach against the people’s wickedness, but Jonah doesn’t want to save the people of Nineveh because they weren’t Israelites and he knew that if he went there, God would change the hearts of those people. Doesn’t this sound familiar – not wanting to help someone because they may not be like us or make us uncomfortable? Jonah’s heart was hardened to the Ninevites, but three days in the belly of a whale can change a man, so he did in fact go to Nineveh and the people repented as Jonah feared they would. Later, Jonah decided to have a little chat with the Holy One who apparently – in Jonah’s eyes – needed a little hand slap. “But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the Lord, ‘O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity.’” (Jonah 4:1-2) Jonah is actually mad that God is so forgiving. God lets Jonah rant and then He says to him, “Have you any right to be angry? (vs. 4) Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (vs 10-11) God basically tells Jonah, to chill out. He wants Jonah to understand that lives are at stake here - and apparently cattle, maybe He was craving a good burger. God knows it’s hard for us to extend grace because he made us. However, that little fact does not get us off the hook. We have been forgiven for every wrong and so we need to extend that same grace to others. We may not feel that we are grace-filled enough, but we are called to love others as ourselves[3]. Being grace-filled is something that we have to practice. We can ask the Lord to help us love others the way He loves them. By doing so, we CAN be grace-filled enough.

Your homework was to reflect on your skills and gifts. I asked you to group items together to see if any patterns could be made. More importantly, I told you to spend time in prayer, asking God what He wants you to do with the gifts He has given you. Some of you reading this know what your purpose is right now. While it is exhilarating, it can be scary too. Following Jesus is anything but comfortable. Maybe you have been believing the myths above. Maybe you think you’re not good enough, like Moses thought. Maybe you think you’re not strong enough, as Gideon did. Or maybe you think you aren’t grace-filled enough like Jonah.  The big take away from debunking these three myths is that all these guys were equipped by the Lord and none of these guys were alone. God was with them and He is with you. Don’t let Satan come in and convince you that God’s power is not enough. Remember, God sees you as His treasured and precious baby girl. He won’t leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” You’ve got this! You can do this! You ARE good enough. You ARE strong enough. You ARE grace-filled enough, because you are not alone and you have been created for a specific purpose. God won’t let you fail at what He has called you to do.

Maybe you have done your homework but you feel like you don’t have a clear direction of what God’s purpose is for you right now. I would encourage you to take this time to volunteer in an area that gives you joy. If one of your skills was baking; make some cookies for a lonely neighbor. If you like to read; offer to read with kids at your local elementary school (as a former teacher, you should know that staff loves this! Call the office and tell them you want to volunteer and you will be placed somewhere quickly!) My husband’s aunt grows a garden and its sole purpose is to give the flowers away to spread a little cheer.  If you like to garden, try that! You may find that the giving of your time lends itself to learning your purpose. Stay willing and flexible. Continue to make notes in your notebook and pray for God’s leading. God’s timing is perfect but often not the same as our timeline. He will use you.

The time has come for us to bravely step into our roles. Remember, we were not created with “a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:6) When we exhibit that spirit of power, we get to be super heroes who are fighting for the Lord. Thankfully, this does not entail spandex suits, but it is awe-inspiring to see someone following Jesus. Go on, ladies, be brave.

**Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**

 

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[1] Posthuma, P. (2015). B.L.E.S.S. Saying Yes [Sermon] Montgomery Community Church, Cincinnati, Ohio http://www.mcc.us/information/weekly-media

[2] Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb.”

[3] Matthew 22:37-39 “Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Identifying Who God Called You to Be

Life is full of surprises, good and bad. As much as that sounds like a lame fortune cookie message, sometimes we forget that it is all a mixed bag. When I look back on my life, some of the surprises I got were awesome, like marring my husband. I honestly thought I would never get married. I thought I was too awkward and self-deprecating to be able to land a stud like the one I married. Some of the surprises were heart-wrenching like when my grandma died. My heart broke into what felt like a million pieces and even though that was over a year ago, I still grieve for her and miss her terribly. Some of the surprises were scary like when we had to relocate from Minneapolis to Cincinnati and we knew nobody. But all of these surprises where part of God’s plan and they all played a role in my life to mold me into the kind of person that He needs me to be to further his kingdom.

You play a vital role in furthering God’s kingdom too. Don’t look behind you, I’m talking about you! Yes, you. I know your life is messy. I know you’ve done things you wish you could take back. I have too. None of us are squeaky clean and yet God views us as valuable. These past few months, I have been learning about how much God loves me - us. Even though we feel, as mamas, that we have to be strong; we still get to be God’s baby girl. Can you just take a minute to let that nugget of truth sink down deep inside you? We are His baby girls. We are treasured by God. Treasured. This fact means that God has plans for our life that will also have value and while our purpose for this life may seem small, the ripple effects are going to be huge. Sometimes those divine plans can seem ambiguous. After all, I am a thirty-something mom who has been out of the work-force for almost three years – you better believe I too have wondered how I can further God’s kingdom. So the question becomes, what does God want to do with my life?

We are going to work through this question with a series of three articles that will unpack information to help us determine what God’s plan for our life is that will honor His kingdom. First, we are going to focus on identifying who God made us to be because we need to know ourselves and our strengths before we can determine how we can be used. This is going to require some self-reflection, so if you are struggling with figuring out God’s will for your life, don’t just hastily read through this. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, grab a notebook, get comfortable and allow yourself to really reflect on the fabulous woman that you are.

In your notebook, I want you to write MY FANTASTIC SKILLS. Yes, put that adjective, ‘fantastic,’ in your title. As women, we have a tendency to belittle our strengths, but God did not create us to be timid. 1 Timothy 1:7 says, “God did not give me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” You are not “just a single mom” or “just a stay at home mom” or “just not good enough.” Remember, you are God’s baby girl and because of that, you have a lot to offer. I am going to help you get started with your list of skills. Underneath your title of MY FANTASTIC SKILLS, I want you to write “A desire to be a better mama and woman” because that much is already true if you are partaking in this exercise. Now it’s your turn. I want you to take some time and write down attributes/skills/feelings that you positively display. I know it feels strange to write about yourself in this way, but give it a try. I promise there is a method to my madness. If I were to do this exercise, my list may look like this:

MY FANTASTIC SKILLS

-desire to be a better mama and woman

-organized

-empathetic

-good story teller

-welcoming hostess

-easily amused

-make delicious guacamole

-responsible

-nice handwriting

-planning

-writing

After you have made your list, study what you wrote. You should be able to make connections to many of the items on your list. If we use my list as an example, we can gather that I probably have decent administrative skills based on words I used like, ‘organized’, ‘responsible’, ‘planning’, ‘writing’, and even ‘welcoming hostess’. Or you may have looked at this list and thought maybe I have some teaching skills based on many of the same words like, ‘organized’, ‘responsible’, ‘planning’, ‘writing,’ but adding to that, ‘good story teller’ and ‘empathetic’. Group your words together and see what patterns you can make based on what skills you wrote, then give each group a title.

Everyone has skills. Everyone is good at something. Every one of you who did this exercise had at least one thing to write under your skills because remember, I started you off with one. These are things that come from simply being made in God’s image. Genesis 1:27“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God is good; therefore we have good in us. However, those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior also have been given spiritual gifts. Romans 12:6-8 tells us, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously if it is leadership, let him govern diligently, if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.” Spiritual gifts are different from the positive qualities that everyone possesses. They are reserved only for those who choose to follow the Lord and should be used to further His kingdom. Some of you are sitting on the fence, wondering what God’s will for your life is and yet you haven’t made that commitment to give your heart to the Lord.

If you want to know God’s will for your life; if you want to receive a spiritual gift; if you want to revel in the grace and forgiveness that only God can give, then consider that our Heaven Father, the One who considers you His baby girl, is calling you to walk more closely with Him. If you don’t have a personal relationship with Him, maybe that nudging you feel is Him pleading with you to let him into your life. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus wants to take your yolk. He wants to give you rest. But he also want you to make that choice. All it takes is a simple conversation between you and God. You could say is something like this:

Lord, thank you for loving me so much that you consider me your baby girl. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Please forgive me for things I have done wrong and help me to make choices that are honoring to you in the future. Please come into my heart and help me every day to walk closer to you and to do your will.

If you prayed that prayer, you need to know that a huge party is going on heaven right now because of you! You are now a permanent part of the family of Christ and you can never be snatched out of the hand of Jesus – no matter what!! The Bible says so! John 10:28 “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.” Woo-hoo!!

Now, let’s get on to the gifts! The next part is going to take a little chunk of time, so set some aside in the midst of your busy day to sit down and take the Spiritual Gifts test. (http://www.spiritualgiftstest.com/test/adult) When you are finished you should have at least one gift that is predominate but you may even have two or three. In your notebook, underneath MY FABULOUS SKILLS, I want you to write MY SPIRITUAL GIFTS and then list the gifts that you were given based on the assessment.

Reflect on your skills and your gifts. Maybe even make a list of how you are currently using your gifts and skills or how you would like to use them. Then spend some time in prayer. Ask God to tell you what he wants you to do with what he has given you. It is okay to ask - in fact, it is encouraged! 1 John 4:14-15 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him.” He is always pleased when we want to know how to bring glory to Him and to further His kingdom. This is your homework until the next time we meet. Use your notebook to write down nudging that you think may be from God. There are no wrong answers here; just the opportunity to reflect on identifying who God made you to be.

**Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**
 

A Time to Take and a Time to Give

The year before we got married, my husband fulfilled his goal of running in the Chicago marathon.  After months of training, race day came and we drove downtown early that morning to get him all set up at the start line. His family and I moved around the city to cheer him on at different parts of the race. Everywhere we went, a slew of volunteers were helping to make sure the race ran smoothly and did everything they could to help these runners finish the race. There were bands playing, spectators cheering and people handing out cups of Gatorade. I would watch Troy run down the vehicle vacant streets of Chicago, reaching out for a cup of Gatorade to quench his thirst and give him the boost his body needed to go a few more miles. If one was to strip down race day and categorize the people, we could find two groups: the takers and the givers.

The takers would be the runners. They took the opportunity to run in this race. They took the kindness of the city to shut down the roads so the path would be safe. They took the cups of Gatorade. They took the cheers of the side-liners. They ‘took’ to complete the task; finishing the race.

The givers were those who helped the runners finish. These people gave their time. They gave up their sleep to be prepared. They gave their support. They ‘gave’ to complete the task; finishing the race.

As mothers, we have our own marathon to run. We have been charged with the most important job anyone can have, raising our babies. Our goal is the same as the runners; we need to finish the race too. That morning, as I cheered for my soon-to-be husband, I saw many runners who had to drop out of the race. They couldn’t finish those 26.2 miles physically or mentally. I have seen moms drop out of the race too. To be honest, I have dropped out of the race myself. Mentally, I couldn’t hack this mommy marathon.

After my son was born, I was still new to Cincinnati. I didn’t have any friends in the area. I wasn’t connected to a group and I was a stay at home mom so I couldn’t find camaraderie at work. Though I was extremely appreciative of my many blessings, I was desperately lonely. Each day that went by, I became more isolated and I felt like my joy was being slowly stripped away. Of course, I had my husband, but I am going to let you in on a little secret, men and women are totally different creatures.  Men don’t always respond to the needs of women the way women would like. Shocker, I know. This is almost always a communication issue which is a whole different topic of conversation, but my point is that women can relate better to each other because their experiences are similar.  So having a group of women to support us while we parent is crucial. I decided to join a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at my church. The first meeting I attended was another game changer for me. I have shared with you in my It Takes a Village blog post, that I confessed to my small group that I was lonely and my joy tank was near empty. I also told them that as much as I loved and appreciated being a stay at home mom, I wasn’t sure if I wanted that title to define me; I guess I was still mourning my professional life. Instead of looking at me with judgement, those women rallied around me and loved on me for the next nine months of MOPS. They gave me encouragement. They gave me a renewed view on the importance of my role as a mother. They gave me advice. They gave me the impression that I was not alone. They gave. I was in a season of my life where it was a necessity for me to take.  

By the end of the year, I felt empowered.  This was great, because by then, I was a mama of two children under the age of two. I was approached by our MOPS coordinator to join the steering team for the following year. I knew I wanted to take a leadership role in MOPS, but I thought that would be farther into the future. I just had a baby; now wasn’t a good time - but if we are always waiting for a good time to give back, we will never find that time. I decided I needed to join the leadership team for MOPS, because I had to bless other moms the way these moms had blessed me. I had reached a stronger place in my race and now it was my turn to give.

We all have ebb and flow in our lives. Some seasons show us that we need to revel in a time of taking. We need to work on our own personal growth as I did my first year in MOPS. Other seasons need to be a time of shepherding and giving back when a healthier place has been reached. It is important to note that these roles of the Taker and Giver will dance back and forth depending on our situations but one thing is true, it is important for all of us to be both the Taker and the Giver in our lives.

For those of you reading this now who are in a season of self-doubt or loneliness, look around you. Are there people who are trying to hand you a cup of Gatorade as you determine whether or not you are even going to stick in this race? Accept their cup. TAKE. This is your place of need and that’s okay! There is no shame is reaching out to those who want to help you. They are doing so because someone reached out to them.

Maybe you are reading this and you are thinking that you are in a good place now. You find that you don’t need to take as much as you once did. I encourage you to look around and see where you can contribute. GIVE. Give of your time, your wisdom, your leadership, your talents, your encouragement and your stories.

Remember, regardless of where you are on race day, the goal is the same. We all just want to finish, but we can’t do it alone. We need others around us and we need to determine if this is our time to take or our time to give.

**Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**

When Quitting is Winning

My son, Zachary, turned two at the end of May, and consequently my husband and I started to get a few inquiries about when we were going to potty train him. Having just birthed our daughter in March and still struggling for daily survival, I would just wave my hand and tell these well wishers that potty training wasn't even on my radar. Although, we had been prepping for potty training. Zachary would follow my husband or me into the bathroom and we would talk about what we were doing. We bought a couple of potty chairs and put them in the bathrooms.  Zachary would sometimes want to sit on them and read books. Other times, he would even go pee-pee. (Since my daily dialogue is with a toddler, please forgive me for referring to bodily waste as 'pee-pee' and 'poo-poo.') That was the extent of our potty training. As far as the signs of 'readiness' went, Zachary didn't show any. He wouldn't grab himself if he had to go or tell us when he was going. He would also wake up wet from his naps. He couldn't pull down his pants - although this is probably due to the fact that he wears cloth diapers so it makes his rear end very "J.Lo-ish" 

We would hear about parents who potty trained their kids - some as young as 18 months! - in three days regardless of their child's readiness signs. Consider me intrigued. I am a disciplined and scheduled person, so a three day potty training boot camp seemed like something I could accomplish. Having only one kid in diapers also sounded pretty awesome, especially since we use cloth diapers.  Therefore, I am washing diapers every other day with both kids now using them. I even thought that maybe Zachary would have a leg up on using the potty since he knows what cloth diapers feel like when he wets them, which I hoped he would transfer to understand as accidents. 

There was a week this summer where we had absolutely nothing on the calendar, which was very unusual. Troy thought we should give this potty training thing a try. After I teased him about how "we" is actually only me since he would be scampering off to work each day, he told me that I could veto the idea.  I will admit though, I was seduced by the thought of having Zachary out of diapers. Besides, with all these other moms potty training their kids in three days, I knew I could too. 

The next day we started our boot camp. I didn't have any supplies like underwear or bribes, but I figured I didn't need them. I decided to just let Zachary run around naked from the waist down and pump him full of juice so he would have lots of chances to use the potty. His reward for going pee-pee in the potty was a big cheer from me, because after all, I wanted his behavior to be intrinsic, not rewards based. (Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!) After he had three accidents in a row, I figured out that he needed to sit on the potty about every 25 minutes. He would go when I would prompt him and we would have a dance party in the bathroom before he flushed his business down the big toilet. I decided I would keep track of the accidents, so that I could see his progress throughout the next three days. He had about ten accidents each day. On day three, Troy came home with a bag of M&M's which certainly peaked Zachary's interest in using the potty. He could now get his "nummies" but he still wasn't telling us when he had to go.

After a week and a half of our three day boot camp, and about 75 accidents later, I was exhausted. Zachary wasn't himself either (although how can you be when you're running around 1/2 naked with your man-bits out for everyone to see?). Sadie wasn't getting the attention she needed either because I was always on edge and waiting for the next accident. Fed up, I decided to put Zachary back in his diapers. I was dreading telling Troy that I couldn't potty train Zachary. I knew he would be supportive, but I felt like a failure. After I put a diaper on Zachary, we went downstairs to play, and the toddler I saw running around the house with his toy lawn mower was a different toddler that I saw for the last 12 days. He was happy again!

I then realized that it didn't matter what Parent's magazine/Pinterest/friends/family said about when Zachary should be potty trained. The fact was, he just wasn't ready. I watched him show off for me and cheerfully call "Mommy!" as he ran around, and I realized, that I was able to exhale and smile as well. I could let Zachary play independently without worry of an accident, and actually give Sadie some attention. All three of us seemed much more relaxed and happy. The rest of the afternoon was so pleasant that by the time Troy came home from work, I was certain I had made the right decision to quit potty training.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way that moving forward is actually taking a step back. Zachary wasn't ready to be that big kid using the potty yet, and part of me is grateful for that. Tomorrow he will be taller than me, driving a car and going to college, so if today he wants to go pee-pee in his diaper, that's fine with me. When he is ready, then he will tell us. 

How many times do we try to shove a square peg in a round hole when it comes to our kids? We see what peers are doing and the accomplishments of their children and wonder if our kids are lagging. Most of the time our sweet kids are just trying to be kids and simply aren't ready for the next big thing. That's what we realized with Zachary. Often times, we rush through stages of our lives to try and get to the finish line. I have found that when it comes to anything of value in life, quitting our own agendas seems to make us winners - that and finding a good carpet cleaning company.

5 Reasons Why Moms Don't Ask for Help

When I say that I hate asking for help, it’s not a joke. I physically hate asking for help. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible outcomes, my stomach gets twisted along with my words and sometimes I even start to sweat. Growing up, I was conditioned by my circumstances that asking for help was a waste of time. As I got older, I figured out how to do things on my own. I came to view help as a weakness or a lack of creativity. 

This carried view into adulthood and I had no idea how out of control my issues with help were until I had children. After my son Zachary was born, I soon learned how to juggle all the tasks that needed to be done. I knew that I should be getting more help than what I was receiving but I wasn’t about to ask for it. That was beneath me. That was weakness. After my daughter Sadie was born, I felt like all the balls I had been juggling on my own were starting to fall one by one. Emotionally, I was unraveling. Physically, I was a hot mess. Mentally, I was depleted. I lacked value in myself as a mother, a wife, a friend and a woman.

I finally addressed this issue with my husband. (I share more about this story in my Faithfulness blog.) My problem was not him, it was me. I had such a hard time asking for help that he just assumed I was able to handle it all. “I can’t read your mind, Pam. You need to ask me for help sometimes.” That’s easier said than done. What if he lets me down? What if when I ask for help, things get worse, or I get an excuse, or I am viewed as a bad mom?

Around this time, my dear friend presented me with a challenge. She told me that I needed to ask for help every day for the entire month of August. During this time, I was to write down the request, how I felt about it, the other person’s response and then reflect on the aftermath. After she told me this, I had a minor panic attack. I immediately began coming up with a mental list as to why I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge. Then I realized that I NEEDED to do this challenge BECAUSE it made me feel so uncomfortable. So I agreed to this help challenge, and wouldn’t you know it, my August was a challenging month which meant lots of “opportunities” to ask for help. 

The beginning of the month, we did a lot of traveling. One trip was to see my family in Michigan while Troy was at a wedding in Minnesota. I knew that I was going to need to ask for help a lot during that weekend because I was caring for Zachary and Sadie alone, and in an environment that was not our home. I had to unpack all the gear, clothes, toys and food we would need, all by myself. I had to feed, bathe and play with the kids, all by myself. I knew if I was going to finish the weekend with my wits in tact, I was going to need to ask for help. My sister and her husband decided to meet up with us at the cabin that weekend and I probably asked Laura to help me at least 20 times. She either held, clothed, changed a diaper, fed, cleaned or occupied one of my kids almost all weekend. She even helped me repack the car. I felt cared for and less stressed out knowing that I wasn't doing everything alone. I realized my own limitations and was only too glad to ask Laura for help, but I also know that Laura always cheerfully comes to my aide.

After the weekend with my family, my husband rejoined us for a week at the beach with his family. When it was time to move the kids into their bedtime routines, I asked my sister-in-law if she would hold Sadie in the sink while I washed her. I had some anxiety about asking for help, but Tricia was glad to have some extra time with Sadie. I was feeling pretty good about asking for help, so I went out on a limb and asked if she would help me bathe Sadie for the rest of the week (bonus points!!!) and she said yes.  Once again, I felt proud of myself for not trying to bathe Sadie alone and risk having to schedule rotator cuff surgery on a five month old.

The rest of the week I asked for general help from my husband and his famly. The last day of our trip, I was packing the car and got overheated. Sadie wouldn’t stop crying for Troy and so we switched jobs, but I was so sweaty and light headed that I couldn’t really hold her. I asked my mother-in-law to take Sadie - well I really just handed the sweet babe to her without giving her a chance to say no. She immediately took her and I felt like she did so out of concern for me which made me feel cared for. My mother-in-law even got me some water and told me to relax.

When we got back from our vacation, I needed to go to the grocery store. While there, I was reaching for a bottle of salad dressing and it was too high. I looked over at a tall man who was nearby and thought of my friend’s challenge. I knew I should ask him for help but I felt weird about it, so I stood there arguing with myself and probably looking like a fool. He offered to help me before I had the chance to ask him. I feel like I cheated and sheepishly put the dressing in my cart and slinked away to the next aisle.

Throughout the month, there were a number of times I asked for help. I asked a friend to hold Sadie when my cat escaped out the front door - normally, I would have run down the street, jostling Sadie to grab the cat. I asked Troy to take care of the dinner dishes a couple of nights - which is a much healthier alternative to complaining about doing everything myself. I even asked Zachary to help me get some of Sadie’s toys out for her - which is important for their relationship and for family life. I know this may seem like simple requests, but these are exactly the kind of things that I would juggle all by myself instead of simply asking for help. Then the last full week in August, my husband decided “we” should potty train Zachary. That week I asked for help a lot. I would ask for advice from a friend who was potty training her daughter. I asked Troy to figure out dinners for a majority of the nights, I asked Troy to either care for Sadie or watch Zachary like a hawk as he toddled around my house naked from the waist down and proceeded to mark his territory around my house. Before I knew it, the month was over and so was my challenge. 

So, what did I learn from this experience? First of all, I learned that I need to have this challenge every day even though August is done and over. I need to be asking for more help so that I don’t get fried. Being a mom and is a 24/7/365 job. There are no lunch or coffee breaks, there is no clock out time and there is no vacation. If I don’t ask those who care about me to lend a hand sometimes, I am going to snap and the thing is that I really can’t do it all. I don’t want my kids to think they can’t ask for help when they really need it but if I am their example and they never see me asking for help, what I am I really teaching them? Secondly, most people don’t mind helping. As I reflected on this month, I realized that I am not the only mom who struggles with asking for help. I think that there are five reasons why moms have a hard time doing something so simple.

1. We assume people won’t help when we ask. When I sat down to write this piece, I finally told my husband all about the challenge. I didn’t want to say anything before because I thought it would taint the experiment and I wanted to see the real response he would give me. The thing is that his real response was genuine. He truly didn’t mind helping me. He didn’t do it so I would write nice things about him; he helped me because he cares about me. The real kicker is that Troy told me that he didn’t even notice me asking for more help which he said should put my mind at ease because he knows I feel guilty about it.

2. We actually think we can do it all. I am a control freak which is one of the reasons why my friend challenged me to this asking for help thing. I think I can do it all and honestly, I can – for a very short period of time. After all, isn’t that what we see all over Pinterest and Facebook? Moms looking stylish while crafting gorgeous monogrammed wreaths for their front door only after they finished assembling their child’s funny face lunch made only with organic fruits and veggies? I mean if she can do it, then I should too, right? Wrong. All moms struggle with putting too much on their plate and getting burnt out. Even Organic-Veggie-Mom probably cried when her toddler threw the plate on the floor and demanded macaroni and cheese. It is vitally important for us moms to learn two phrases and use them:

                “No, I can’t work that into my life right now.” 

                “I need help.”

3. We don’t want others to think we are weak. By asking for help, we are admitting that we can’t do something on our own which can feel like a form of weakness but this myth is something that we need to debunk right now. Think of someone who is strong - physically, mentally or vocationally. That person did not obtain such a high level of success alone. Someone was there coaching and directing and yes, helping them achieve their goals. The same is true with us moms. The beauty of the tribe of motherhood is that we all get it. We all know that this job is so hard. You’re not weak when you ask for help. You’re human.

4. We have had people in our past who have let us down. Everyone has baggage when it comes to failed relationships but we have to remember that what was true in our past does not dictate what will be true in our future. We all have two classifications of people, those who we can depend on and those who we can’t. We need to tap into that first group and ask for help sometimes. Those who really care about us won’t meet us with an excuse, they won’t judge us for being a bad mom, and they want to see us succeed as a parent.

5. We don’t know how people can help us. Sometimes our problems seem so big that they swallow us whole. We have no idea how to claw our way out and so we assume that others won’t be able to help us either. I have found that if you start with your personal goal, those who care about you can help you work backwards. A few months ago, I was taking on too much alone. By then end of the night, I would end up in the shower, crying, because I knew tomorrow would be a rerun of that day. I stepped back and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy my family. I wanted to look at my children and not feel like they were holding me back. I didn’t want my joy to be taken from me. So I talked about it with a close friend and my husband and with their help I came up with a plan which involved asking for help . . . a lot. 

We have been entrusted to love and care for these little people who know us as “Mommy”. This exercise has taught me to sit back and reflect on how I want my children to see me. I do not want them to see me as a person who gets burnt out because I say yes to everything. I want them to see me as someone who recognizes limitations and has the courage to reach out and ask for help. So, if you see me struggling at the grocery store to reach for a bottle of salad dressing, this time I hope you also see me turn to the tallest person in the aisle and ask for help.

** Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**

Self-Control

"The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is now law."

Galatians 5:22

I used to be a salty-loving kind of a gal. Get a plate of chili-cheese fries in front of me and I would fight you for them. I never really understood all the jokes and memes about women's obsession with chocolate - and then I got pregnant. Suddenly, sweets - especially chocolate - was a round the clock craving. After I had Sadie, lots of friends dropped off meals for us and many of these meals had a dessert, so I had become accustomed to eating some kind of sugar almost every day. When the meals stopped (and so too, the desserts) my cravings did not. One time, I actually made my Mema's chocolate-chocolate chip cookies from scratch because I wanted something sweet so badly. I thought about buying a bag of Hershey Kisses and just having one or two a day, but I knew I would eat the whole bag in one sitting. I had a problem. I had no self-control when it came to sweets in the house. I had to quit cold turkey. No sweets in the house until I could control myself.

While the idea of self-control of chocolate and sweets is amusing, I realized this week that I had a lot of work to do with self-control but it was much bigger and more important than chocolate. You read about how I had (and sometimes still have) a problem when it came to asking for help and I was (and sometimes still am) allowing Satan to creep in and fill my head with filthy lies about my parenting, my marriage, myself and my relationship with the Lord. I realized this week as I was prepping for this final installment of the fruits of the Spirit, that I needed to have more self-control when it came to those issues. I needed to make sure that I was not allowing myself to sink back into self-pity.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "Like a city whose walls are broken through, is a person who lacks self-control." When Satan breaks through our walls and we allow ourselves to believe the blatant lies of The Creeper, our city - our hearts - become compromised. Instead of rejecting these lies, we let them fester and they slowly start to destroy us. We have the strength within us to defeat The Creeper whose only plan for our lives is destruction, but this requires the control of our thoughts and actions.

Romans 8:6 tell us, "The mind of a sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." The good news is that as Christians, the Holy Spirit lives within us as well as all the qualities that the Spirit has - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. When we tap into these attributes, in this case we are specifically focusing on self-control, we have the power (and the responsibility) to tell Satan, "No! We will not believe your lies any longer!" Titus 2:11-12 says, "For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

So just as I had to put the kibosh on sweets in the house, I also need to take responsibility for not allowing the Creeper to come in and sabotage my heart. Just as I need to show restraint for sweets, I need to show restraint on allowing my mind to become polluted with filth. I need to lean on God's Spirit to help me control my thoughts and remind me that I am valuable to Him and His purposes in my life.

Weekly Parent Goal:
1. Ask the Holy Spirit to control our mind and create a clean heart.

This was one of my personal goals that I listed in the Faithfulness post but this time, I have a different spin on it. We learned in Romans 8:6 that the Spirit can control our mind and do so with peacefulness. When those negative thoughts come into our minds - and all parents hear them -  we need to stand up to The Creeper and tell him to beat it! We need to control our minds to reject the filth he is trying to spread across our thoughts and focus instead on our Father who loves us. We need to ask the Lord to help us control our minds and focus on His plans, not Satan's or our own.

This week's application for kids:
1. Blessing your kiddos.

Kids are naturally impulsive and the same it true for their words. This blessing from Mary Ruth Swope in The Power of Blessing your Children is a blessing of pleasant words which takes a great deal of self-control not only for our little ones, but for adults too. Pray this blessing over your kids:

In the name of Jesus Christ:

I bless you with an understanding of how important it is in life to set a guard over your mouth and to keep watch over the words that come from your lips. You will not speak negative and hurtful words that cause pain and wound spirits. 

May you learn quickly that a soft answer turns away wrath and that words thoughtfully spoken bring great rewards with them. You will learn to express pleasant words, profitable advice, and kind speech in all your conversations.

2. Try and activity that explains self-control to your kids.
Literary Example

One of my favorite books to read to my students was My Mouth is a Volcano! by Julia Cook. It talks about a boy who has a hard time interrupting which is something that most kids can understand. This book a great way to teach children how to engage in polite conversation and understand that everybody's words are important and should be heard. It is a great way to teach kids about self-control when it comes to their words.

Sesame Street Clip

I don't know why we pay for cable. If there was a package that only offered ESPN, HGTV and PBS, it would be called the Carlson Bundle. Zachary loves PBS and next to Dinosaur Train, Sesame Street is his favorite. I love how they have celebrities on the show to help explain the word of the day. in this clip, Ian McKellen and Cookie Monster are showing an example for the word "restrain" which ties in nicely with self-control. After I watched this with Zachary, we talked about how sometimes we have to wait - even if we really really want to do something. However, he is two so I know this is something we have to discuss every day - let's be honest, sometimes every minute.

Excuse for Sweets

Bring on another baking activity! Making cookies or brownies is a great way to show self-control because you have to wait for the end result. Plus, you get to eat something delicious. After you have baked your delicious treats, talk about how we have to show self-control by not eating all of the treats at once. If we did that, we would have a stomach ache and sweets are a once in a while treat so we wouldn't get the nutrients we need from eating only cookies. Talk about other ways we have to show self-control.

3. Weekly Scripture Challenge.

Though this scripture is a little longer than the ones I have posted in the past, I think this verse is a great reminder to us about the power that we have inside us. So this week's verse is the same that I mentioned above. Try to memorize this verse this week as a reminder of our focus this week and encourage your children to do so too!

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

Titus 2:11-12  

***I can hardly believe that two months ago I simply said "Yes" to God. He gently nudged me to write a series of blogs about how to parent with the fruits of the Spirit as a way to encourage moms but I had no idea that He would be working in me too. I have been stretched, broken, healed and exhilarated as I went through this journey. You as readers have also been a blessing to me with your words of encouragement and also your willingness to share your hearts with me. Thank you! It is amazing how simple this task was. All I was asked to do was to write - which is something I love. I did not know that I would come out stronger and feeling more loved and valued than ever before. My prayer for you is that when you feel that nudging from the the Lord, that you would emphatically say "Yes!" and allow the Lord to work through you. 

Maybe for some of you that nudging might be to open your hearts to Jesus. Maybe He has been calling you to reach out to Him. If you were reading this series and don't have a personal relationship with the Lord, I encourage you to take His gift of salvation. It is for everyone, no matter what your past may look like. We are all sinners and no one is deserving of His mercy, but He gave it to us anyway when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. There are no strings attached. His love is for all of us. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." By accepting Jesus into your heart, not only will you get the ultimate gift of spending eternity with Him in heaven, but you will also be filled with the Holy Spirit who will never leave you, who will help you in times of trouble and who will fill you with all the attributes that we talked about during this journey: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Mary Ruth Swope has a prayer of salvation at the end of her book. Pray this prayer in faith and receive Jesus in your heart:

Heavenly Father, I come to You in the name of Jesus. I am a sinner. I ask You to forgive me of my sin. I confess that Jesus is Lord. And I believe in my heart that You raised Him from the dead. Thank You for coming into my heart, for giving me Your Holy Spirit as You have promised, and for being Lord over my life. Amen.