Lay Off, I'm Starving!

I am no Victoria Secret model, but if you were to look at me, I don't think your first thought would be, "That chick likes her food." However, if you were to say that, you would be right. I have always been a big fan of eating. I've never really been a picky eater (though I do have some texture issues - that's for another blog.) My mom tells me that when my sister and I were younger, if we were misbehaving, all she would have to do was threaten to send us to bed without any dinner. We (and by that I mean, mostly me) would dramatically beg for her to reconsider! Go to bed without dinner?! How cruel!! She never did do that, probably because her trick worked and we straighten up our act. 

As I have gotten older and more aware of what I consume, I am conscience of my eating habits. And since having Zachary I have had a few realizations on these eating habits, and friends, they are not pretty.

1. Drop the fry and nobody gets hurt. I like to share. In my mind, if you share then you really get twice the fun. I liked sharing my toys when I was a kid because then my sister Laura and I had twice the playthings. I like sharing meals with Troy because then we get twice as many foods to taste. I liked sharing clothes with roommates because my wardrobe was twice as big. There is one thing I have a really hard time sharing....french fries. French fries are one of my favorite foods. I know they are terrible for you, but I don't care. I love them. The worst is when you go out to eat with someone and you sit down and look at your glorious spread of golden fried potatoes and your meal-mate says, "I didn't order any fries because I thought I could have some of yours." In my head, I hear the buzzer from a basketball game and think about how I can politely tell that person to get his/her grubby hands away from my pile of fried goodness. I usually can't think of a good way to say it, so I turn into a prison inmate, hunched over my meal, consuming the best part (the fries) first. I'm not proud of this, but it's true. Look, if you want to preserve the meal and our relationship, order your own fries.

2. Get it while it's hot! I used to eat like a lady. I would cut my food in small bits, using the right utensils and sitting up straight. My main focus of meal time was to be graceful and enjoy the food. Now my main focus is getting something in my belly. Eating hot meals, while being the mama of a baby don't happen often. I am convinced that babies know when you are comfortable, hungry or have to go to the bathroom and that is the time they pitch a fit. So, when I can squeeze these things in, I do so and I do it in a hurry. I realized after having Zachary, I scarf down food like I am in a zombie apocalypse. We hosted Troy's family for Thanksgiving and we went out to dinner the Friday after. Zachary was doing great - until the food came. Troy's sister, Tricia snuggled with him so I could eat, but he was still crabby. I tried to eat quickly so that I could take him. I didn't notice how fast I was eating until I made eye contact with my mother-in-law who looked at me with big eyes and told me to slow down. I think she had started prepping herself to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on me. I realized I must look like I was challenging myself to a game of Chubby Bunny. (For those of you who don't know the game Chubby Bunny, you have to keep putting large marshmallows in your mouth and still be able to say the words "chubby bunny." If any marshmallows come out, you can't say the phrase, or you puke, you lose. Sweet game, huh?) Even when I am not with Zachary, and I am eating, I realize I eat like I am in a hot dog competition. I have to remind myself to slow down. So, if we go out to eat, I am truly sorry that you have to watch me. I am hoping that some day, graceful Pam comes back. Until then, I should probably not go out in public.

3. Vacancies Available. During the last few months of my pregnancy, I was hungry all the time because I could only eat small meals. My stomach was all squished thanks to Baby Carlson so not much could fit in there at once. Since Zachary's birth, because I am nursing, I am hungry 24/7 and normal sized meals feel like a snack. I think since he was born (on May 30), I have only felt full maybe three or four times. I feel like Mrs. Pac Man, but there are never enough dots to eat. What's a girl gotta do to get a bunch of bananas whilst running from the colored ghosts?! I have been drinking a lot of water and chewing a lot of gum to fool my stomach, but I don't think it's working. You know what would work? A large fry. Mmmm fries.

I could write another clever paragraph to wrap things up but I think this video would be the best closure for this post. I really don't need to write another word.