When Quitting is Winning

My son, Zachary, turned two at the end of May, and consequently my husband and I started to get a few inquiries about when we were going to potty train him. Having just birthed our daughter in March and still struggling for daily survival, I would just wave my hand and tell these well wishers that potty training wasn't even on my radar. Although, we had been prepping for potty training. Zachary would follow my husband or me into the bathroom and we would talk about what we were doing. We bought a couple of potty chairs and put them in the bathrooms.  Zachary would sometimes want to sit on them and read books. Other times, he would even go pee-pee. (Since my daily dialogue is with a toddler, please forgive me for referring to bodily waste as 'pee-pee' and 'poo-poo.') That was the extent of our potty training. As far as the signs of 'readiness' went, Zachary didn't show any. He wouldn't grab himself if he had to go or tell us when he was going. He would also wake up wet from his naps. He couldn't pull down his pants - although this is probably due to the fact that he wears cloth diapers so it makes his rear end very "J.Lo-ish" 

We would hear about parents who potty trained their kids - some as young as 18 months! - in three days regardless of their child's readiness signs. Consider me intrigued. I am a disciplined and scheduled person, so a three day potty training boot camp seemed like something I could accomplish. Having only one kid in diapers also sounded pretty awesome, especially since we use cloth diapers.  Therefore, I am washing diapers every other day with both kids now using them. I even thought that maybe Zachary would have a leg up on using the potty since he knows what cloth diapers feel like when he wets them, which I hoped he would transfer to understand as accidents. 

There was a week this summer where we had absolutely nothing on the calendar, which was very unusual. Troy thought we should give this potty training thing a try. After I teased him about how "we" is actually only me since he would be scampering off to work each day, he told me that I could veto the idea.  I will admit though, I was seduced by the thought of having Zachary out of diapers. Besides, with all these other moms potty training their kids in three days, I knew I could too. 

The next day we started our boot camp. I didn't have any supplies like underwear or bribes, but I figured I didn't need them. I decided to just let Zachary run around naked from the waist down and pump him full of juice so he would have lots of chances to use the potty. His reward for going pee-pee in the potty was a big cheer from me, because after all, I wanted his behavior to be intrinsic, not rewards based. (Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!) After he had three accidents in a row, I figured out that he needed to sit on the potty about every 25 minutes. He would go when I would prompt him and we would have a dance party in the bathroom before he flushed his business down the big toilet. I decided I would keep track of the accidents, so that I could see his progress throughout the next three days. He had about ten accidents each day. On day three, Troy came home with a bag of M&M's which certainly peaked Zachary's interest in using the potty. He could now get his "nummies" but he still wasn't telling us when he had to go.

After a week and a half of our three day boot camp, and about 75 accidents later, I was exhausted. Zachary wasn't himself either (although how can you be when you're running around 1/2 naked with your man-bits out for everyone to see?). Sadie wasn't getting the attention she needed either because I was always on edge and waiting for the next accident. Fed up, I decided to put Zachary back in his diapers. I was dreading telling Troy that I couldn't potty train Zachary. I knew he would be supportive, but I felt like a failure. After I put a diaper on Zachary, we went downstairs to play, and the toddler I saw running around the house with his toy lawn mower was a different toddler that I saw for the last 12 days. He was happy again!

I then realized that it didn't matter what Parent's magazine/Pinterest/friends/family said about when Zachary should be potty trained. The fact was, he just wasn't ready. I watched him show off for me and cheerfully call "Mommy!" as he ran around, and I realized, that I was able to exhale and smile as well. I could let Zachary play independently without worry of an accident, and actually give Sadie some attention. All three of us seemed much more relaxed and happy. The rest of the afternoon was so pleasant that by the time Troy came home from work, I was certain I had made the right decision to quit potty training.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way that moving forward is actually taking a step back. Zachary wasn't ready to be that big kid using the potty yet, and part of me is grateful for that. Tomorrow he will be taller than me, driving a car and going to college, so if today he wants to go pee-pee in his diaper, that's fine with me. When he is ready, then he will tell us. 

How many times do we try to shove a square peg in a round hole when it comes to our kids? We see what peers are doing and the accomplishments of their children and wonder if our kids are lagging. Most of the time our sweet kids are just trying to be kids and simply aren't ready for the next big thing. That's what we realized with Zachary. Often times, we rush through stages of our lives to try and get to the finish line. I have found that when it comes to anything of value in life, quitting our own agendas seems to make us winners - that and finding a good carpet cleaning company.

5 Reasons Why Moms Don't Ask for Help

When I say that I hate asking for help, it’s not a joke. I physically hate asking for help. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible outcomes, my stomach gets twisted along with my words and sometimes I even start to sweat. Growing up, I was conditioned by my circumstances that asking for help was a waste of time. As I got older, I figured out how to do things on my own. I came to view help as a weakness or a lack of creativity. 

This carried view into adulthood and I had no idea how out of control my issues with help were until I had children. After my son Zachary was born, I soon learned how to juggle all the tasks that needed to be done. I knew that I should be getting more help than what I was receiving but I wasn’t about to ask for it. That was beneath me. That was weakness. After my daughter Sadie was born, I felt like all the balls I had been juggling on my own were starting to fall one by one. Emotionally, I was unraveling. Physically, I was a hot mess. Mentally, I was depleted. I lacked value in myself as a mother, a wife, a friend and a woman.

I finally addressed this issue with my husband. (I share more about this story in my Faithfulness blog.) My problem was not him, it was me. I had such a hard time asking for help that he just assumed I was able to handle it all. “I can’t read your mind, Pam. You need to ask me for help sometimes.” That’s easier said than done. What if he lets me down? What if when I ask for help, things get worse, or I get an excuse, or I am viewed as a bad mom?

Around this time, my dear friend presented me with a challenge. She told me that I needed to ask for help every day for the entire month of August. During this time, I was to write down the request, how I felt about it, the other person’s response and then reflect on the aftermath. After she told me this, I had a minor panic attack. I immediately began coming up with a mental list as to why I wouldn’t be able to do the challenge. Then I realized that I NEEDED to do this challenge BECAUSE it made me feel so uncomfortable. So I agreed to this help challenge, and wouldn’t you know it, my August was a challenging month which meant lots of “opportunities” to ask for help. 

The beginning of the month, we did a lot of traveling. One trip was to see my family in Michigan while Troy was at a wedding in Minnesota. I knew that I was going to need to ask for help a lot during that weekend because I was caring for Zachary and Sadie alone, and in an environment that was not our home. I had to unpack all the gear, clothes, toys and food we would need, all by myself. I had to feed, bathe and play with the kids, all by myself. I knew if I was going to finish the weekend with my wits in tact, I was going to need to ask for help. My sister and her husband decided to meet up with us at the cabin that weekend and I probably asked Laura to help me at least 20 times. She either held, clothed, changed a diaper, fed, cleaned or occupied one of my kids almost all weekend. She even helped me repack the car. I felt cared for and less stressed out knowing that I wasn't doing everything alone. I realized my own limitations and was only too glad to ask Laura for help, but I also know that Laura always cheerfully comes to my aide.

After the weekend with my family, my husband rejoined us for a week at the beach with his family. When it was time to move the kids into their bedtime routines, I asked my sister-in-law if she would hold Sadie in the sink while I washed her. I had some anxiety about asking for help, but Tricia was glad to have some extra time with Sadie. I was feeling pretty good about asking for help, so I went out on a limb and asked if she would help me bathe Sadie for the rest of the week (bonus points!!!) and she said yes.  Once again, I felt proud of myself for not trying to bathe Sadie alone and risk having to schedule rotator cuff surgery on a five month old.

The rest of the week I asked for general help from my husband and his famly. The last day of our trip, I was packing the car and got overheated. Sadie wouldn’t stop crying for Troy and so we switched jobs, but I was so sweaty and light headed that I couldn’t really hold her. I asked my mother-in-law to take Sadie - well I really just handed the sweet babe to her without giving her a chance to say no. She immediately took her and I felt like she did so out of concern for me which made me feel cared for. My mother-in-law even got me some water and told me to relax.

When we got back from our vacation, I needed to go to the grocery store. While there, I was reaching for a bottle of salad dressing and it was too high. I looked over at a tall man who was nearby and thought of my friend’s challenge. I knew I should ask him for help but I felt weird about it, so I stood there arguing with myself and probably looking like a fool. He offered to help me before I had the chance to ask him. I feel like I cheated and sheepishly put the dressing in my cart and slinked away to the next aisle.

Throughout the month, there were a number of times I asked for help. I asked a friend to hold Sadie when my cat escaped out the front door - normally, I would have run down the street, jostling Sadie to grab the cat. I asked Troy to take care of the dinner dishes a couple of nights - which is a much healthier alternative to complaining about doing everything myself. I even asked Zachary to help me get some of Sadie’s toys out for her - which is important for their relationship and for family life. I know this may seem like simple requests, but these are exactly the kind of things that I would juggle all by myself instead of simply asking for help. Then the last full week in August, my husband decided “we” should potty train Zachary. That week I asked for help a lot. I would ask for advice from a friend who was potty training her daughter. I asked Troy to figure out dinners for a majority of the nights, I asked Troy to either care for Sadie or watch Zachary like a hawk as he toddled around my house naked from the waist down and proceeded to mark his territory around my house. Before I knew it, the month was over and so was my challenge. 

So, what did I learn from this experience? First of all, I learned that I need to have this challenge every day even though August is done and over. I need to be asking for more help so that I don’t get fried. Being a mom and is a 24/7/365 job. There are no lunch or coffee breaks, there is no clock out time and there is no vacation. If I don’t ask those who care about me to lend a hand sometimes, I am going to snap and the thing is that I really can’t do it all. I don’t want my kids to think they can’t ask for help when they really need it but if I am their example and they never see me asking for help, what I am I really teaching them? Secondly, most people don’t mind helping. As I reflected on this month, I realized that I am not the only mom who struggles with asking for help. I think that there are five reasons why moms have a hard time doing something so simple.

1. We assume people won’t help when we ask. When I sat down to write this piece, I finally told my husband all about the challenge. I didn’t want to say anything before because I thought it would taint the experiment and I wanted to see the real response he would give me. The thing is that his real response was genuine. He truly didn’t mind helping me. He didn’t do it so I would write nice things about him; he helped me because he cares about me. The real kicker is that Troy told me that he didn’t even notice me asking for more help which he said should put my mind at ease because he knows I feel guilty about it.

2. We actually think we can do it all. I am a control freak which is one of the reasons why my friend challenged me to this asking for help thing. I think I can do it all and honestly, I can – for a very short period of time. After all, isn’t that what we see all over Pinterest and Facebook? Moms looking stylish while crafting gorgeous monogrammed wreaths for their front door only after they finished assembling their child’s funny face lunch made only with organic fruits and veggies? I mean if she can do it, then I should too, right? Wrong. All moms struggle with putting too much on their plate and getting burnt out. Even Organic-Veggie-Mom probably cried when her toddler threw the plate on the floor and demanded macaroni and cheese. It is vitally important for us moms to learn two phrases and use them:

                “No, I can’t work that into my life right now.” 

                “I need help.”

3. We don’t want others to think we are weak. By asking for help, we are admitting that we can’t do something on our own which can feel like a form of weakness but this myth is something that we need to debunk right now. Think of someone who is strong - physically, mentally or vocationally. That person did not obtain such a high level of success alone. Someone was there coaching and directing and yes, helping them achieve their goals. The same is true with us moms. The beauty of the tribe of motherhood is that we all get it. We all know that this job is so hard. You’re not weak when you ask for help. You’re human.

4. We have had people in our past who have let us down. Everyone has baggage when it comes to failed relationships but we have to remember that what was true in our past does not dictate what will be true in our future. We all have two classifications of people, those who we can depend on and those who we can’t. We need to tap into that first group and ask for help sometimes. Those who really care about us won’t meet us with an excuse, they won’t judge us for being a bad mom, and they want to see us succeed as a parent.

5. We don’t know how people can help us. Sometimes our problems seem so big that they swallow us whole. We have no idea how to claw our way out and so we assume that others won’t be able to help us either. I have found that if you start with your personal goal, those who care about you can help you work backwards. A few months ago, I was taking on too much alone. By then end of the night, I would end up in the shower, crying, because I knew tomorrow would be a rerun of that day. I stepped back and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy my family. I wanted to look at my children and not feel like they were holding me back. I didn’t want my joy to be taken from me. So I talked about it with a close friend and my husband and with their help I came up with a plan which involved asking for help . . . a lot. 

We have been entrusted to love and care for these little people who know us as “Mommy”. This exercise has taught me to sit back and reflect on how I want my children to see me. I do not want them to see me as a person who gets burnt out because I say yes to everything. I want them to see me as someone who recognizes limitations and has the courage to reach out and ask for help. So, if you see me struggling at the grocery store to reach for a bottle of salad dressing, this time I hope you also see me turn to the tallest person in the aisle and ask for help.

** Originally written for Emerge Mothers Academy Parenting Class**