I'm Sorry, Mom

They say that the job of a mother is the most delayed gratifying job on the planet. Now that I have been a mom for almost a year I have quickly realized that "they" are correct. I have also used this year as a time to reflect about my own mom and her hardships. So, with Mother's Day coming up this weekend, I thought I would share a few apologies to my mom based on what I have learned and experienced during my first year as a mom. Pattie Kohler, this is for you.

Mom, I am sorry for my flatulence. Last night, after I gave my little man a bath, I was drying off his bottom and getting ready to put his diaper on when he let out a toot that I swear I could taste. After I finished gagging, I looked at his sweet face and realized that he had no idea that it is considered poor manners to fart in someone's face. Then I realized that Baby Pam probably did that to my mom. So, Mom, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I know when you looked at my chubby cheeks as a wee babe, I did not know what I was doing but I would like to apologize for that now. And while we are on the topic of bodily functions . . .

Mom, I am sorry for designing your outfits out of my pee/poop/spit up/split peas/rice

Baby Pamela got all the nasties clean off before Mom did.

cereal/formula/etc. There have been days this past year when I finally sat down after putting Zachary to bed and assessed myself, I realized I was wearing food from every meal Zachary consumed that day. There was no such thing as "I'll wear these jeans again tomorrow." In fact, I keep a Tide stick in the diaper bag for all the times Z has spit up on me. I have had to change clothes countless times because newborn poop is like something from out of this world and it cannot be contained by a mere diaper.  So Mom, I am sorry that as a baby I made you look like you just walked through a cafeteria during a food fight and I am sorry that I treated your clothes like a public restroom. That was very disrespectful and I humbly apologize.

Mom, I am sorry that I ruined your ta-tas. Yep, I went there. I am getting a little personal here folks, I wouldn't say that my girls were ever spectacular, but breastfeeding has completely ruined them. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed nursing. It is nice to be able to sit down for a little res-bit and snuggle with my baby - especially now that he moves around so much, but good grief! I need to tape them up like Roberta did in the movie Now and Then. (That reference will probably only make sense to girls who grew up during the 90's.) Not only are the ta-tas tainted but my whole body has completely changed like the width of my rib cage to my hips. I don't recognize this thing I am living in anymore. So Mom, I am sorry that as a baby I made you feel like an alien in your own body.

No pictures please, it was a rough night.

Mom, I am sorry I made you feel like an extra as a zombie in the Walking Dead. The first few months of being a new mom are probably similar to being in the trenches at war. You can't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time, you are always on guard, always hungry and weep for your former life. At least you get to snuggle with a cute baby instead of a musket. I definitely suffered from the Baby Blues but I think a lot of that was sleep deprivation. It wasn't until Zachary started sleeping through the night that I felt like a "normal" person again - and I use that word very loosely because I am still in survival mode. Thankfully, I did have you (I am speaking to my mom here since I don't believe my entire fan base was in my home the first few weeks after Zachary was born, but I wouldn't really call myself "lucid" at that point either, so I could be wrong; if so, then I am also speaking to those who were present.) to help me and allow me to get 4 hours of sleep (which was like heaven at the time). So Mom, I am sorry that as a baby I woke you up every three hours just so I could ruin your ta-tas. I was so inconsiderate to not think about how you just pushed a watermelon out of your body and would probably like to rest.

I know what my mom is saying as she is reading this. "It was all worth it and I would do it again." When we are in the difficult moments, it is good to remember that. The thing is that babies are rude and selfish little blobs that don't understand that people don't like to be bothered between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. But, there are so many things that make all the hard stuff worth it. Like the little teeny toes that poke out of the swaddling blanket, the gas-producing giggle that happens at a 3am feeding, the giant smile you get when you walk into the room, or when your sweet baby rests his head on your shoulder while he sucks his thumb. In those moments you forget about the hard stuff and your cup runneth over. You realize that Pattie is right, it's all worth it, but is doesn't hurt to hear a "thank you" and an "I'm sorry" every now and then.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I am sorry I was such a baby. Thank you for loving me.

I mean, it helped that I was so cute.