The Civil War Between Pam and her Legs

The day before yesterday, Troy and I went to the health club. I didn't much feel like doing cardio, and knew I was about due for a leg workout. Now, if you are me or Troy (which would be very weird if you were) and you hear the words "leg workout" you immediately start sweating. It is also very important to point out that leg workouts need to be planned because you will be out of commission for a couple of days. So, if you are planning on playing basketball or disc golf with the guys tomorrow, a leg workout today is not a good idea. You folks are lucky because I am about to share the Carlson's Leg Workout. After a few of these, you'll have stellar legs which you will not be able to use because you'll be in too much pain.

Our leg workouts have evolved a little since we have become gym rats but they all start the same, traveling lunges. I grab two fifteen pound dumbbells (Troy has more weight, but that is because he is so strong and dreamy) and find a low traffic area in the gym. Then I do ten traveling lunges (traveling lunges are when you start standing with your legs together and take a big step forward with your right leg, then you dip your body down, keeping your torso perpendicular to the floor and your right knee makes a 90 degree angle. Then you stand back up and bring your left leg forward to meet your right leg so your stance looks the same as when you started, just one step away) turn around and do ten more. That is one set. Then I do two more sets.

Next, I do squats of some kind. Lately, I like finding those resistance bands that you Velcro to your ankles and a medicine ball. With my legs together, I start by taking a sideways step with my right leg so my legs are apart. Then, holding the medicine ball, I squat down, come back up and bring my left leg together with my right leg. I do ten steps leading with the right leg and ten steps leading with the left leg. That is one set. Then I do two more sets. Now you know our leg workout secrets. It's like having a trainer in your house with you. I am imaging the trainers from Biggest Loser reading these paragraphs and beaming with pride because I am sure that they send their free time reading my blog.

By the time I am finishing up my last set of traveling squats, I am making grunting noises and honestly fearful that my squat stance combined with my fatigue and stress of the exercise is creating a perfect storm for flatulence. My only hope is that nobody walks by because it truly is out of my control at this point. When I finish, I am staggering over to my water bottle, mostly because I am tired, but also because I haven't found the strength to un-Velcro the straps from my ankles so I mimic a convict shuffling into court with his ankle restraints. When I go to sit on the floor to rest and remove the straps, I realize that my legs no longer have the strength they did when I first entered the health club. They now have the strength of Jell-o. I catch my breath and gulp down water as on-lookers judge me for sitting on my rump at the health club. These also tend to be the same people who only walk the track and missed me doing the workouts I mentioned above. At this point, I think, "eh, that's good enough" and then I finish with some light cardio.

The next morning, I wake up and get ready for the day. Everything seems fine until I sit down in the afternoon for more than thirty minutes. When I stand back up, suddenly everything is tight and uncomfortable. I know, this is only the beginning of the civil war about to be unleashed. My leg muscles have decided to revolt against me. Since I made the workout so challenging, they are retaliating by making simple things like walking, impossible. This continues for the rest of the day. At bed time, you hope relief is in sight, but more often than not the next day is more challenging than the first. Troy and I often have slow down for the other person when walking. The slower person will say something about the leg workout and the faster person nods with empathy and slows the pace.

This obviously has an effect on daily life. I have been working on a few sewing projects and started to walk (slowly) upstairs to get to work, when I realized that there was something in my purse I needed to complete a project. I literally stood on the stairs for a minute to decide if I should get it myself, ask Troy to bring it to me, or maybe just forget the sewing project all together. I ending up getting it on my own, wincing all the way down as I took each step and then wincing as I went back up the stairs.

The funny thing is, I know my legs, while incapacitated for the time being are getting stronger. The soreness almost makes me feel like my legs are ripped like the Hulk. I strut (in my mind anyway, in real life I am shuffling while making muffled grunting noises) around the house like a super model on the runway. Then when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I am surprised that my "bulging" muscles are not quite so bulging. In fact, they look the same as they did the evening before I did my leg workout. How can this be?

Anywho, I am currently on day two of my civil war with my legs. Thankfully I already know that the north wins. Sorry legs, there will be no seceding the country of Pam Land. I win in the end.

Boo-yah.