Jumbotrons

This week, Troy and I had the opportunity to go to the Twins/White Sox game at the brand, spanking, new Target Field. This field is pretty much fabulous. Everything is clean and sparkly. If you dropped your soft pretzel on the floor, the five second rule might actually apply here. Anywho, at Target Field there is a humongous jumbotron.

Why are jumbotrons so awesome? I have a few theories. One is that we are nothing more than mutated homosapeion gnats who are drawn to the bright lights of the screen. The only difference is that there are a select few of us who are actually zapped when we touch the screen. This is because security takes us down before we can get our grubby little hands on it and you may or may not get a zap from a tazer. Another theory is the Carly Simon point of view that we are so vain. We like to see our faces magnified times twenty and not only that; we want everyone in the tri-county area to see it too. Regardless of why we love the jumbotrons, the fact of the matter is that we do.

My favorite thing about the jumbotron is that moment when the people on the screen realize that they are being projected across the field. Maybe they are chowing down on nachos, gabbing with friends, or intently watching the game. Suddenly, a fellow fan nudges them and points to the big screen and realization sets in. Their countenance changes completely and now they are waving wildly and flashing a toothy grin to the camera. That is my favorite moment, especially if they are showing the kiddos or grandmas and grandpas. So cute.

Let me tell you something important about the misuse of the jumbotron: engagements. Without fail, every game I go to, some shumk decides to propose to his lady friend via the jumbotron. Idiots. For those of you who have already done this, stop reading this blog. You need to immediately go out and purchase flowers for your wife and then ask for a re-do proposal. If, by chance there are guys out there who are actually thinking about doing this, let me sway your decision. No woman wants to be proposed to at a game. They don’t want to see, “Melanie, will you marry me? Love, Jeff,” on the jumbotron. They want to be somewhere romantic, not surrounded by thirty thousand drunken people. She wants to giggle as you wipe off the little bit of chocolate off her face from the fondue you prepared, not use her sleeve to wipe off the mustard from her hotdog for the whole stadium to see. If you are one of the few men who after reading this, STILL think your girlfriend would love this kind of proposal, you are completely daft, and should know that if your woman would truly love that, she might play for the other team, if you know what I mean.

Troy used to tease me that he would propose on the jumbotron. I flat out told him I would say no. He would laugh and I would tell him exactly what I just told you. No girl wants that. Ironically, we went to a White Sox game on the afternoon that we got engaged and he teased me about proposing at that game, per his usual manor. Thankfully, he did it in a room where we were surrounded by candles and flowers. Instead of nachos and beer, we had fondue and champagne. Now, that is how you woe your lady! Whew! What a guy, huh? Yeah, he’s a keeper.

Back to the jumbotron, there is one romantic item that this giant television has which is pretty awesome . . . the kiss cam! Ever since Troy and I were dating, I have been secretly praying that we would get on the kiss cam. We haven’t. I know that’s hard to believe since there are only tens of thousands of other spectators, but still.

So, there you go folks. A few items of note to take away from this blog:

1. Don’t try to touch the jumbotron. You might get a jolt from the human bug zapper.
2. Love the moment of realization that you are famous for .9 seconds.
3. DO NOT PROPOSE ON THE JUMBOTRON.
4. Always be prepared for the kiss cam.

Over and out.