Grace

I have a wet spot on my jeans that is either breast milk, spit up or pee. I just folded a clean shirt that has a stain on the stomach from when my toddler wiped his clementine juice on me and the acid bleached the color. The top of the same shirt has a barbacoa juice stain from when I tried to eat a taco while nursing my infant. (That stain was worth it.) I have worn my hair in a messy bun for I don't even know how many days and I am drinking another cup of coffee because my morning caffeine and adrenaline rush has left me wondering how I am going to do this again after the best time of the day - Nap Time.

My babies, discussing who will have a melt down first.

Everyone has heard the phrase that being a parent is hard work, but nobody really knows what "hard" means until those little ones belong to you. My son, Zachary will be two the end of May but he started his terrible twos about two weeks before my daughter Sadie was born in the beginning of March. That's right, I have two children under the age of two years. The past six weeks, all I have been able to think about is how I wish I knew how easy I really had it when I was only parenting one child; and how I can win an all expense paid trip to a Sandals Resort. When Troy is home, we can each take a kid but while my husband is vacationing (this is his term for working), I am struggling with a zone defense with two little ones who I swear are working together to ensure that I never eat, go to the bathroom or shower.

Being a parent is something that I am certain is a purpose for my life. I take this job very seriously because Troy and I are raising Zachary and Sadie to love the Lord and do amazing things for Him when they grow up. However, being that this is such an important job, the stakes are higher so the fails can feel stronger. With Sadie being my second, I wanted to try some things differently this time around. One of them being that I wanted her to sleep in her own room sooner than we did with Zachary. We had been having her sleep in a Rock and Play which is great because it feels like a hug and is more comforting to infants as opposed to the straight and flat crib. The first night I tried to get her to sleep in her crib was an epic fail. She and I were up until 4 am, battling this out. I would lay her down, trudge back to my room and the moment I laid down, she would start crying again. I can remember standing at her changing table, bawling and hearing a loud voice telling me that I was a failure. I couldn't even get my baby to sleep in a bed that was made for babies. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. With tears streaming down my face, I wondered how I would be able to tackle bigger issues if I can't even get Sadie to sleep in her bed. Then, I heard a softer, gentler voice that somehow overlapped the obtrusive negative one and I heard, "Pam, you're tired and you need rest. Put Sadie back in the Rock and Play tonight and try again tomorrow. Give yourself some grace."

Grace.

How many of us need to be reminded to give ourselves some grace? I need this reminder daily, if not every hour. We are not meant to have all the answers and we are going to screw up on a daily basis, but we have a parent who is the Ultimate Father and He is going to help us get through our troubles so there is no need to worry about whether or not I can get Sadie to sleep in her crib or anything else for that matter. Worrying is counterproductive and a waste of time. Matthew 6:26-27 says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Who of you can add a single hour to his life by worrying?" Did you read that right? You are valuable in the Lord's eyes. Valuable. He is going to take care of us because He loves us.

A few nights after I was reminded to give myself grace, I found myself at Sadie's crib again. I had just spent the whole day dealing with a toddler who throws a hissy fit if I give him the red spoon instead of the green one. I had snapped, sassed and even spanked Zachary that day. I cried when my kids cried and I was a hot mess, on the inside and out. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the week, let alone the rest of their lives. As I held my sleeping daughter in my arms and listened to her rhythmic breathing, I offered up a prayer as honest and raw as I was at that moment. I simply told the Lord that I understood that my purpose was to raise these babies and that I didn't expect Him to make my days easier. I know the Lord isn't a genie; if He made things easy, then Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross. He does things because we are supposed to learn from our experiences or come along others with an empathetic point of view having lived them. But I was screwing things up. I was not being a good parent, spouse, or person and I did not want to do life this way. I simply asked that He equip me for this role. I needed more patience, more love and more wisdom. 

The next day looked exactly like the one previous. Zachary threw himself on the floor because I didn't understand that he wanted to watch Dinosaur Train and not Sesame Street. Sadie had a blow out and vomited at the same time, going through her second outfit of the day. Troy came home from work late and I smelled like rotten breast milk and body odor, but the day felt different. I felt different. I knew the Lord had answered my prayers. I felt him equipping me for my role. I was able to speak to Zachary with more patience. I was empathetic to Sadie's cries. I was grateful for a husband who provides so well for our family.

I am not saying that I am no longer a hot mess. For example, today was a hard day. I had to write this blog in stages because Zachary decided that he only wanted to take an hour nap today. As I write this, I have hunkered down in our den and closed the doors to hide away and do something grown up and for myself for the first time in days. My days aren't easier and I don't always feel strong enough to get through the day without tears, but I know that the Lord is working within me. My grandpa always wrote Bible verses on index cards to study. One of my favorite cards has the following verse, Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with the righthand of my righteousness." Good grief, thank goodness for that! Because I need strength and I need help. Can I get an Amen?!

So, if there are any mamas out there who are crying in the middle of the night - or heck, in the middle of the day - and wonder how you will survive, take heart. You are not alone. God comforts us with strength by adding to our resources. His way is not to widdle down the problem but to build up the ability to cope with it. Basically, He has your back. Ask Him to equip you for your role as a parent. He loves you and will help you. 

Just remember to give yourself some grace.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Welp, we did it. Troy and I became parents. Zachary Troy was born at 3:33PM on May 30, 2013 and he shares a birthday with his Grandpa Paul who turned 60 that same day. I will be using this post to shamefully share pictures of our handsome little boy. This week, he had his three month birthday and I feel like I have learned so much since pre-parenting days and I thought I would bestow some of that wisdom onto you.

There are so many things that I thought I knew going into this whole child-rearing thing that turned out to be utterly wrong. When my mom came to stay with us to help Troy and me, we laughed about all the things I told my mom while I was pregnant. She said she would get off the phone after hearing how I was going to do things, and tell my dad about how I was just going to have to figure it out the hard way. What a nice mom for doing it that way and not laughing in my face! Seriously, she totally deserves a gold sticker for everything she did for Troy, Zachary and I while she was here. Which brings me to my first lesson learned:

1. I needed my mommy. Before Zachary was born, Troy and I decided that my mom would only come for a week. After all, babies are small. All they do is eat, poop and sleep. We can handle it. My mom thought that we would need her for two weeks, but we knew better. So we made the arrangements with my parents for my mom to stay with us for a week and that was the plan. As that week started to come to an end, my mom called my dad to figure out when he would come to pick her up and I started to get panic attacks. Finally in a fit of tears, I asked - nay, begged - Troy to allow my mom to stay another week, to which of course, he said yes. My mom was very gracious and glad to stay another week. There were still plenty of tears when we had to part though and I continued to call her with questions.

 

This sweet boy loved to sleep during the day, not the night.

2. The first night home is like pulling an all-nighter in college, but the test date never comes. When we were in the hospital, Troy and I took advantage of the nursery. Every three hours, the nurse would wheel in our beautiful baby to eat and then I would ring the call button and the nurse would bring the baby back to the nursery and I would sleep until the next feeding. When we got home, we spent our first night alone. Both of our parents were still in hotels for the weekend and Troy and I figured we could handle things for a night. WRONG. That sweet, adorable, little baby didn't want to have anything to do with sleeping while it was dark. He wanted to cry and fed and be held - all-night-long. We ignorantly thought he was blissfully sleeping while in the nursery at the hospital (HA! HA! HA!). We were such fools.

I am super embarrassed by this photo, but I post it for you.

3. I will still look 8 months pregnant when I leave the hospital. This one was a real downer folks. I spit out an 8 pound, 5 ounce baby, and because I was induced and pumped full of liquid, I was actually MORE swollen when I left the hospital than when I got there - which is saying a lot because my feet resembled that of Fat Bastard's from Austin Powers before I even delivered. I have included a picture just so you get the idea. I look at pictures of myself when we brought home Zachary and it's gross. Now some ladies, leave the hospital gracefully with a mild post-preggo-pooch, like Kate Middleton. Some ladies leave the hospital looking how they did in college, like my friend Krista (Krista, I am sure you'll protest, but you looked smokin' hot after giving birth and you should embrace it.) I however, was not in that small group . . . there was nothing small about me.

4. "Exhausted Mom" jokes have a new meaning and will suddenly become cruelly hilarious. I have never experienced true exhaustion before. Let me tell you, it turns you into a crazy person. Straight up, cra-cra. I would sit on the couch and be fine one minute and start bawling for no reason the next. A lot of that has to do with the insane hormones that are raging through your body and the fact that you just performed something short of a miracle - birth, but a lot of that comes from lack of sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and I would hate everyone I knew who was sleeping. My only friend was my sister who works the night shift at her dispatch job at the airport. When I would hear people without children say they are tired, I wanted to punch them in the face. Not figuratively either, but I would literally clench my fist and get a solid foot stance ready.

5. I will inevitably parent in such a way that makes me look like a monster to "someone" "somewhere." Every Thursday night I have a weekly Skype date with my dear friend Becca. Not only is she one of my closest friends, I consider her an emotional and spiritual mentor. She and I are very similar and so I often ask for her advice because most of the time, what she has done is a great option for me. When Zachary was two months old, he was still feeding and sleeping whenever he wanted to, which made scheduling anything impossible. I was Skyping with Becca then and just broke down in tears due to my #4 lesson. She basically gave me a prescription on what I should do to get Zachary on a sleeping schedule, which was very similar to Baby Wise. You know what, it worked like a charm and Zachary slept all night long! Of course, that first night Troy and I were half asleep all night, just waiting to hear an explosion of cries that never came. Baby Wise is controversial because for some parents, they believe that "crying it out" is cruel, but other parents (like myself and Troy) can see the benefits of babies learning how to soothe themselves back to sleep. Regardless of which camp you're in, you will always get flack from someone on the other side, which is unfortunate because let's be honest, if you're a parent, you need all the support you can get, so why can't we all just get along? :)

Reading Z his Baby Bible before bedtime.

6. I needed the Lord . . . more.  I would be leaving out a HUGE lesson if I didn't mention this. When Zachary was born, I became so much more aware of mortality, which is morbid, I know, but it's true. At every feeding I would pray that the Lord would watch over my sweet, little boy and that he would grow up to be happy and healthy, but more importantly, that he would grow up to love the Lord too. I would also pray for myself that I would have the strength to get through the day with my lack of sleep and that my husband would know how much I loved him even though I wasn't able to give him much attention. Some nights, Zachary and I would cry together, not knowing what was wrong with the other person and I would look to the Lord for comfort. Having a baby has proven to be the most challenging thing Troy and I have ever done and together, we have turned to prayer for guidance and support. It gave us peace that cannot be matched. Here are some of my favorite verses that I recited during this time:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."" Mark 6:31

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest in your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

7. My baby is obviously the cutest baby on the planet. When I first saw Zachary for the first time, I loved him immediately and thought he was so cute. Not in the all-babies-are-cute kind of way, but I thought Zachary was so cute that it was obvious to everyone who ever laid eyes on him. People would comment on his cuteness and I wouldn't even be gracious about it, I would just say, "I know!" My mom warned me about this. She said that after I had kids, I would wonder how I ever thought any one else kids were "the cutest." She was right. Zachary is the cutest and I am going to throw down the gauntlet and challenge anyone to show me a cuter baby. I will of course judge Zachary's cuteness with his competitor. I will probably be biased. You will probably lose.

Love this.

Love this, too.

 8. I love my husband more than I thought I could. Here's were it gets a little mushy, friends. I have known Troy forever and if you would have told Little High School Pammy Kohler that she was going to get to marry Troy Carlson, she probably would have done an awkward giggle and started sweating profusely but she definitely wouldn't have believed you. Troy is my very best friend and I am so blessed to be married to him, but after having our son, it has been even more fun to see him in his new role. When I was pregnant, he was very protective of me. I remember getting a lecture on the importance of being careful going up and down our rickety basement steps. After Zachary was born, he would have a glass of water ready for me at every feeding, do all kinds of housework and hug me when I was having a moment of the "baby blues." Since acts of service is my love language, I felt very loved. When I see him with Zachary, it just melts my heart. The other night he read Zachary his bedtime story, and I as I watched my favorite men snuggling close to each other, my eyes started to water. Every night, we take turns praying over Zachary and when it is his turn to pray, my heart gets a little warmer. Basically, what I am trying to say is that Troy was smokin' hot before he was a dad, now he is pretty much exuding a nuclear-like heat. Ow! Ow!

9. What to Expect When You're Expecting should not be used as a syllabus. I read that book like it was the childbirth Bible everyone claims it to be. Each milestone month during my pregnancy, I would bone up on how my baby was growing, what I can expect from my body and doctor's appointments and how to make my husband feel like he is more involved in the process. Then the last chapter was about what I can expect once the baby is born and what the first week will look like. Let me tell you . . . they left A LOT of stuff out. Like how the week after you give birth, you could be one of the lucky ones who is in so much pain that getting in and out of chairs makes tears spring from your eyes. Or how sometimes circumcisions don't "work" and your child will be one of the lucky ones who will have to have his REDONE when he is one. Or how that gross line that runs up your belly will take FOREVER to lose, along with your baby weight. Who am I kidding? When I am pregnant with baby #2, I will read it again.

10. I am still a neat freak, OCD and an A-type personality. This can be seen by the fact that I needed to have an even number of lessons learned in this blog and 10 seemed like a good number. When I was pregnant, people would always tell me that I would change when I became a mother and that I couldn't be as "rigid" as I was before. You could call these people the messy, B-Type personalities who don't understand me anyway. To a certain extent, this is true, however, I am still me and I still like schedules, plans and things in order. Look at it this way, if you were standing at a riverbank and wanted to change the flow of the river, all you would have to do would be to throw a pebble in the river. It would change the flow because where the pebble is now, water once was able to flow freely. The river is still flowing in the same direction, the pebble just made a slight change in the flow. That is how I feel about motherhood. Zachary is my sweet little pebble. He has changed some things, obviously, but the river doesn't suddenly start flowing in the reverse direction, and I haven't changed who I am at my core, which is a neat freak, who has OCD and an A-type personality, I'm just a mom now too.

Even though being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the best. That little boy melts my heart multiple times a day, every day. I love how he has truly made us a family. I know there will be many more lessons to learn as we go.